======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
The following is a Slack conversation between Eric and a co-worker the morning after a company happy hour.
Tom [9:44am]:Dude. My productivity is at an all-time low. Why are you here and not WFH?
Eric [9:45am]: Same. We should not have gone to that last bar. I have to lead a stupid fucking client meeting because the engineers can’t be trusted to interact with clients on their own.
Eric [9:45am]: Then again, considering I’m wearing the same shirt I spilled tequila on last night, neither should I. Why are you in the office?
Tom [9:49am]: Fucking engineers. I honestly don’t know why I’m here. I woke up feeling pretty good and thinking I beat the hangover, but it turns out I was still drunk. I told the intern to go get us Mickey D breakfast though so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tom [9:50am]: And wait. Why are you wearing the same shirt as yesterday? Where did you sleep last night, you dog? Thought you could just sneak that past me?
Eric [9:56am]: If that intern brings me a McGriddle I will kiss him on the mouth. I don’t even care if it gets me fired. And I slept at Rachel’s remember? You dropped me off in your Uber, you blackout king.
Tom [10:02am]: Oh shit, I don’t remember that at all. Fuuuck. I thought by 28 I’d be done with blacking out on weeknights. And shots. And hooking up with my ex. Oh wait, that last one’s you, you dumbass.
Eric [10:06am]: Dude, whatever. At least I didn’t try and make out with a co-worker at happy hour like Jeremy yesterday. It was like watching a fucking train wreck.
Tom [10:07am]: OH SHIT. I totally forgot about that. He got curved so hard by that marketing chick. What’s her name? Shannon? She just started like last week too, what a horrible first impression of the company. Did any of the bosses see? He might get fired for that shit, man.
Eric [10:09am]: Yeah man. I don’t know if anyone saw, but he should definitely lay low after that. He’s definitely WFH today. Idiot. I’d be shitting myself.
Tom [10:21am]: BREAKFAST A LA INTERN IS HERE
Eric [10:22am]: omw
Eric [1:14pm]: Dude I legit just started head bobbing at my desk. That breakfast is weighing me down. I’m gonna need an Adderall just to get through this afternoon meeting.
Tom [1:28pm]: Fuck an Adderall, I need some baby wipes. I just destroyed the upstairs bathroom worse than Jeremy destroyed his reputation yesterday. Linda in HR has been on the phone in her office for like an hour now. I think he might actually be getting canned.
Eric [1:40pm]: Fuck you, I was going to use that bathroom. Now I have to use the basement one with no cell service. I hope you get fired with Jeremy for that war crime.
Tom [1:51pm]: I hope I do too. Give me that severance and I’d be on a beach in the Caribbean within 48 hours. Jk. I have zero savings. I need this job.
Eric [3:48pm]: That meeting was a fucking nightmare. Not only did a client visibly recoil from the fragrance of well tequila that I’m wearing, but one of our engineers joked about how I was “probably hungover from our happy hour yesterday.” Luckily the clients were cool and joked about it, but I was ready to murder him.
Tom [3:51pm]: HAH. That’s amazing. Was it the one who wears sandals every day or the kid who threw up at our holiday party? I love engineers. They’re like genius antisocial toddlers.
Eric [3:54pm]: It wasn’t amazing at all. It was Seth. The skinny one who has his own Twitch channel? I didn’t know he threw up though, I’m definitely going to bring that up next time I see him.
Tom [4:02pm]: DUDE. Tina just messaged me and told me Jeremy got fired today. Apparently, he was already on thin ice with behavioral things. Holy shit. If I was him I would never drink again.
Eric [4:08pm]: Shiiiit. Management isn’t fucking around. I’m not him, and I still think I’ll never drink again after this hell of a day.
Tom [4:26pm]: Tina wants to know if we want to get drinks after work. Sounds like you’re a no?
Eric [4:27pm]: Ahh, fuck it. Hair of the dog may be what I need right now. Let’s dip out..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Tina tryna get the peena?
Always.
Checking in from the land of a thousand sups
V jelly that these guys aren’t worried about their messages being monitored by their bosses.
Literally leaving a paper trail for your employer. Smart thinking, boys.
Honestly, no one is going to look check his Slack convos unless they have a reason to and if they have a reason to, there’s bigger things to worry about.
This is generally true, but I still keep separate channels for gossip and shit talking. All it takes is one friend like Jeremy and suddenly you’re getting hauled into HR over a convo you had with him last week.
I don’t know what you talk about at work, but from the conversation in this piece, the only thing that’s troublesome is the Adderall reference. The other stuff, assuming you’re not in trouble otherwise, would probably result in an eye roll and a slap on the wrist.
True, but still gives me massive anxiety. The slack conversations that I had at my first job still haunt met 2 years later.
Engineers are genius antisocial toddlers hahaha great line
It’s a damn shame that our trolls don’t even have the honor to go by the moniker SkankHunt42 and photoshop penises into our mouths.
As an engineer, I’m feeling personally offended by many of these comments
As a fellow engineer, we both know we just don’t want to admit that most of them are justified
also sup?
Just because they’re true doesn’t mean they don’t sting a little when they are fired off one after another.
What’s the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. (The fact that I am laughing out loud at this terrrrrrrrrrible joke reinforces everything said about engineers.)
My only regret is I can only send one sup your way after that joke
As an Artilleryman, I support the building of more targets.
Geological Engineer Checking In
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Sending this to every engineer I know.
Another engineer checking in here. Gotta disagree with ya, T Swizle. These comments are extremely accurate.
Shouts to my other female engineers! These comments are accurate and painful at the same time. I like to think I’m not totally socialy awkward.
Its fun when a manager who doesn’t know anything about the product gets involved because they will say something stupid while trying to make it seem like the project is going well to the customer, then just point out they’re completely wrong and give them a shit eating grin as they glare at you.
I wish I was this close with anyone in my company… 5 min convo tops around here.
Also, why slack and not just iMessage like regular friends would do?
With CMV asking about dipping pens in the company ink contrasted with Nick’s implication about Jeremy getting fired, I don’t know which way to turn?
Had to think about WFH, then figured it out. Upset now because I can’t do that. Also, more Tom. Seems like a wildcard this story needs.
This hit too close to home