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At some point or another, we’ve all had to apply for a job. Any career advisor will tell you that the number one way to get off on the right foot in your job search is to have a good résumé. A good résumé is clear, concise, and direct. “Keep it simple, stupid” is a cliche, but it tends to be true. You only have so much space to communicate who you are as a potential employee; you can’t be wasting that valuable space. That’s why so many career advisors will tell you to remove “filler words.”
Phrases like “multitasker,” “goal-driven,” or “people person” are among those random phrases that everyone says about themselves but ultimately has no meaning. No potential boss looks at a résumé and says, “Oh, this guy is detail-oriented? We finally found one!” Everyone is detail-oriented, driven, enthusiastic, and a hard-worker on paper. It’s a bunch of meaningless bullshit we say to try to get hired before we spend eight hours working our hardest to hide our laziness.
Online dating is the ultimate job interview, and your bio is your résumé. Sure, the pictures matter, but when you’re trying to decide if you want to commit to at least drinks and possibly a whole evening to someone else, you gotta sure they’re not a creep. The bio, that limited space, is your opportunity to sell yourself. I bet that all of you are including these filler words and phrases on your dating résumé, not realizing how much better you can utilize that precious real estate. So let’s remove all the commonplace descriptors – we’ll all just assume that you’re into the same basic shit everyone else is into until proven otherwise. Here are a few of the things that don’t need to be said on your bios.
Wanderlust / Travelling / Adventures
My thoughts on traveling and vacations are simple – it’s boring, pointless, and expensive. However, I acknowledge I’m in the minority. Most normal people love jet-setting around the world to exotic locales, but telling a stranger that you love to travel is anything but exotic. Everyone has traveled somewhere exciting, has a trip planned, or has a bucket list for traveling. If the photos of you in Machu Picchu didn’t give it away, I’m betting the Paris backdrop in the next one did. This is a classic example of show, don’t tell. The photos are sufficient proof that you’re well traveled; we’ll assume it’s not photoshopped. The only reason to mention travel in your bio is if you’re a monster like me who avoids vacations, or if travel is a significant portion of your job that might cause some crazy scheduling issues. Also, no person is allowed to call themselves an adventurer if their name is not “Indiana Jones” or “Nathan Drake.”
Look, I love sports as much as the next guy. I love watching sports, I love playing them. For a guy to say “I like sports” is just above “I like naked girls” on the “well duh” list. Girls seem to think that they get extra credit for “being one of the guys” and liking sports, but this isn’t the 1960s. The idea that sports aren’t for girls is and has been dead for a while, so guys will assume that you have at least some interest in some sport (I’ve noticed it’s mostly hockey, which warms my cold heart). There’s no need to list which sport you’re a “die hard fan” of, or brag about being a “retired athlete.” You aren’t die hard just because you watch every one of your team’s games, and you aren’t a retired athlete unless you have your own Wikipedia page listing at least two seasons of stat lines. If you are vehemently opposed to sports, however, it might be worth mentioning just to ward off the jocks and jersey chasers. Otherwise, again, show your fandom. Photos of you rocking your jersey at a game tells us what we need to know.
Beer / Wine / Whiskey
If you’re over the age of 21, I assume that you can (and do) drink. I’m not one to judge what or how much, but if I meet an adult lady my baseline belief is that she is open to doing drinks for the first date. But so many waste bio space by pounding their chest for loving the typical alcohol of their gender (typically whiskey for boys, wine for girls), or bragging how they can drink with the other gender (guys being sophisticated “winos” and girls down for “drinking whiskey neat”). You know what, everyone, just save it. Unless you’re a wine/beer/liquor snob, most people don’t give a damn what you choose to poison your liver with. If you don’t drink, sure put that up there as a fair warning that your potential paramour should scout another location. Otherwise, surprise your date when you reveal your drink of choice. Unless it’s tequila. God, you tequila people are just monsters.
Sarcasm / Great Sense of Humor
Everyone thinks they’re funny. Most people are not. Some of us are gifted enough that we’re able to consistently make people laugh and gain some form of wide attention (looks at the crowd… sees glaring faces… anxiety begins to kick in… oh, God, I’ve been lied to my whole life whatdoIevenhavetoofferwhoamI). Gah. Okay, I’m back. Anyway, the point is humor is subjective, and it MUST be shown. You know who I know isn’t funny? The person who says (or has other people say), you won’t believe how funny he is. If you are actually funny, you will be funny in your profile. If you’re silly say something silly. If your humor is dark, say something creepy dotted with emojis. If you’re sarcastic like me, point out the irony that so many people claim to be fluent in this language on an internet lifestyle site. Because anyone who is actually “fluent in sarcasm” would spend 10 minutes deadpanning that they don’t get when someone else is acting ironically. Until you’ve had your friends actively hate you because of something you said jokingly that they thought you were saying in seriousness, you cannot claim sarcasm as a second language.
Good Food / A Night Out with Friends / At Home Watching Netflix
Whenever anyone on Tinder describes their Friday/Saturday night plans, 99% of the time one of these three activities will be mentioned. We all like going to nice restaurants, we all like hanging out with our friends, we all like watching mindless shows until we pass out. If that’s all you do with your weekends, you gotta get out and diversify. There’s nothing wrong with this being a holding pattern, but let people know what you really like to do if you had a free Friday night to do what you want. For me, it’s trying not to bomb while doing stand-up at an open mic, writing away until my eyes start to bleed, or just playing video games trying to maintain my sanity. Whatever your passion, whether it be playing bass guitar, painting, or just being wasted from happy hour Friday until Game of Thrones comes on Sunday night, let your match know what to expect.
Not looking for sluts/cheaters/fuckboys/a hookup/etc etc etc.
Shockingly, this trend has been coming up a lot among my female friends. I catch this sentiment on girls’ profiles, but all my gal pals I asked noted how annoying and desperate these sentiments can be. These people are basically saying that they’re “looking for something real with someone special” and for anyone who is just dicking around and not taking it seriously to move on. Okay, no one wants to admit it, but everyone is (to some extent) looking for some kind of meaningful relationship on these apps. Some people aren’t looking that hard as they’re enjoying the single life, some are desperately scouring the sands of the relationship desert like they’re an archeologist (points to self). No matter if you’re a monogamous-tryhard or just soaking up single life, every person on these apps is hoping to meet someone unique and special. No one wants to get cheated on. No one wants to just fuck someone else randomly, or at least if they don’t want to get tied down they’ve always got the thought in the back of their mind to consider if this person might be worth breaking that habit. No one on this planet is going to meet someone they connect with, like spending time with, and imagine seeing naked and thinks “yeah but, on to the next one.” Sluts, cheaters, fuckboys, they’re all born out of circumstance and that person’s own mental issues. No need to tell your potential suitors that you don’t want to get hurt. None of us do. It’s gonna happen anyway. .