Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You

Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You

Well, peeps, my weekend wasn’t too exciting. I had some surgery toward the end of last week, so I was pretty much confined to the couch for the weekend. I apologize for those tweets made while on painkillers, by the way. While the downside to the weekend was the residual pain, the upside was that my mom waited on me hand and foot; my bestie dropped off her dog to hang out with me so I got puppy snuggles; and I got to watch six hours of Botched with no guilt whatsoever. But even my boring weekend was better than some other people’s.

Chris Christie

My preferred method of commuting between Boston and New York is Amtrak. Sure, I could fly, but once you factor in security and whatnot, it takes just as long as the train, plus there’s no snack car on a 747. Of course, when I take the train, I never sit in the quiet car because I inevitably spend at least part of that four-hour journey catching up on the phone with a friend, and you never, ever violate the sanctity of the quiet car, which was a lesson New Jersey Governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie learned this weekend.

Christie was on the train from D.C. to NYC after a TV appearance on Sunday morning when he started making business calls while sitting in the quiet car. And since no one gives a crap who you are when you take the train, Amtrak employees asked him to move to a different car. A witness recounted the incident to Gawker:

He got on last minute yelling at his two secret service agents I think because of a seat mixup, sat down and immediately started making phone calls on the quiet car. After about 10 minutes the conductor asked him to stop or go to another car. He got up and walked out again yelling at his secret service. He was drinking a McDonald’s strawberry smoothie.

Of course he was. [via Esquire]

Adrian Peterson

In my opinion, puking is the worst thing ever. I would rather have the world’s worst head cold than throw up. Particularly if I were to throw up for the reason Adrian Peterson did this weekend.

Peterson was on a particularly bumpy flight on Friday when he swallowed his chewing tobacco and subsequently blew grits upon landing. Seriously. I can’t make that shit up.

Chewing tobacco is gross enough, but SWALLOWING it? Ew ew ew. Peterson denied it was the tobacco, instead blaming his worship at the porcelain alter on same bad shrimp he had for lunch on Saturday, because apparently food poisoning > mouth cancer. Either way, Peterson was initially downgraded, but did suit up when the Vikings played the Lions on Sunday. [via CBS Sports]

Jimmy Fallon

Remember a few months ago when Jimmy Fallon fell and almost ripped off his finger? Well, either the dude is cursed when it comes to hand injuries or he has some kind of motor skills issue, because he hurt his other hand this weekend during an event at Harvard.

Fallon was carrying a bottle of Jagermeister on Saturday night at a “Harvard Lampoon” event honoring him when he tripped over a girl who was “kneeling in front of him.” (Infer from that what you will…). The bottle smashed and Fallon cut his hand on the glass. He left the event, got checked out at a local hospital, and returned a few hours later.

Nothing that a few band aids couldn't fix.

A photo posted by Jimmy Fallon (@jimmyfallon) on

Jagermeister has felled the best of us, but seriously Jimmy? Get your shit together. [via TMZ]

Steve Jobs and Jem and the Holograms

Well, not the actual Steve Jobs, God rest his soul. I’m talking about Steve Jobs, the new bio-pic that was expected to take the box office top spot this weekend after opening in limited release last weekend. Instead, the film is only expected to take in $7.3 this weekend, putting it in 7th place. According to The Wall Street Journal, the film’s weak opening “is far below the $22.4 million debut of writer Aaron Sorkin’s last take on Silicon Valley executives, the Oscar-winning The Social Network. It’s barely better than the $6.7 million opening of Jobs, the widely panned 2013 film starring Ashton Kutcher as the voluble businessman.”

The only thing worse than Jobs this weekend was being Jem. The film version of the 80’s cartoon earned a dismal $1.3 million during its first weekend in release. In fact, it bombed so bad that it took the worst opening crown away from Zac Efron’s stinker We Are Your Friends. Oh, Jem, that is truly outrageous.

[via The Wall Street Journal]

These Parents

I admit, I grew up lucky. My parents were able to afford to give me things that I wanted and often did. I mean, being the child of divorced parents had to have some benefits, right? But at the same time, I got a job when I was 14, they only funded part of my college education, and I didn’t get a car until I was 20. In short, I wasn’t an asshole, like these kids.

Apparently, the “new thing,” according the New York Post, is kids getting ridiculous things in return for good grades. The column recounts one 14 year old who got a MacBook air for being class valedictorian at her middle school; her sister, who will get three pairs of Christian Louboutins if she raises her GPA from a 3.7 to a 3.8, and her brother, who got a new Jeep-Cherokee for his “academic efforts.” Another middle schooler mentioned got a weeklong getaway to Canyon Ranch for “completing her required readings” – a trip that runs upward of $10,000.

What the actual fuck? I remember I got a Barbie for straight A’s when I was in 4th grade, and I think my mom may have taken me out for pizza when I won the science fair but that’s about it.

But here’s the catch – you know what asshole kids turn into? Asshole adults. A NYC therapist quoted in the article describes “36-year-old patient who is still playing hardball with her overly indulgent parents,” saying, “She says she’s only going to find a job if her parents pay for her $500 hair treatments.”

Good luck with those kids, you excellent parents you. I hope you’re prepared to support them until A.) they bleed you dry or B.) you die. [via The New York Post]

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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