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Fantasy football draft time is upon us. It’s a fun time, isn’t it? Especially live drafts. Those are often just as fun as the seasons themselves. It’s also a good time to get the shit-talking rolling. The trash talking in the league among your boys can get downright ugly, but those of you participating in multiple leagues know that the hostility stays there. In others — among family or coworkers — it’s a wildly different scene.
Office League: “The draft will be held in the conference room after work on Friday. BYO Coffee.”
Friends League: “The draft will be this Saturday at my place. First pick is going down at 1:00 sharp, with or without you. I’m getting a keg, but you’ll have to supply your own drugs.”
Office League: “‘Sproles Royce,’ excellent team name, sir.”
Friends League: “‘Favre Dollar Footlong’ is your team name? Real fucking original. What is this, 2004?”
Office League: “Sir, I wouldn’t take Blaine Gabbert if I were you. I believe he hurt his ankle in training camp and may miss some time.”
Friends League: “Hey Derek, you better take Aaron Hernandez before I do. He’s due for a huge season.”
Office League: “Tony Romo in round 1, huh? That’s a questionable pick. Not gonna lie.”
Friends League: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fucking idiot.”
Office League: “No, Adrian Peterson is no longer available. We’re already in the 4th round.”
Friends League: “Can we just skip this dumbass?”
Office League: “$300 goes to the champion. Someone can buy a fancy new leather office chair with that kind of money.”
Friends League: “I’m spending my winnings on a hooker.”
Office League: “Week 1 is upon us. Good luck to everyone. May the best teams win.”
Friends League: “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck.”
Office League: “Don’t forget to set your lineup this week, Peter.”
Friends League: “Brady is on a bye week, asshole. Fix your fucking lineup.”
Office League: “Tough week, Peter.”
Friends League: “You’re an embarrassment to our league.”
Office League: “Man! That was a hard loss to stomach. Just two points away from the win and the Packers decided to take a knee on the 30.”
Friends League: “Absolute horse shit! You know I should’ve won that game. That cock monger Aaron Rodgers totally boned me.”
Office League: “Nice win.”
Friends League: “Fuck you.”
Office League: “Tough loss.”
Friends League: “Fuck you.”
Office League: “Yo Pete, you left a slot in your lineup empty. You only lost by four points, too.”
Friends League: “I have no idea why we keep letting you back in this league year after year. You’re a slapdick, and an asshole.”
Office League: “Haha, Phil offered me two middle-tier receivers for Arian Foster.”
Friends League: “Who do you think you’re fucking with here, man? That shit’s insulting.”
Office League: “Trade deadline is coming up. Just a friendly reminder.”
Friends League: “I have three of the top five QBs in the league. Who wants to get trade-raped?”
Office League: “Playoff berth for the big man! Nice going, sir.”
Friends League: “Lucky motherfucker.”
Office League: “Your team is missing a couple pieces.”
Friends League: “Your team is dogshit.”
Office League: “You have some nice players.”
Friends League: “Literally not a single player on your team would start for mine. Not one.”
Office League: “Hey Peter, you gonna set your lineup in time this week? Games start in a couple hours.”
Friends League: “If you don’t set your shit before kickoff, I’m driving to your shitty little apartment, and then I’m going to cave your face in with a shovel while your dog and girlfriend helplessly watch.”
Office League: “Congrats to those who made the playoffs.”
Friends League: “This league’s scoring system is terrible. I’m better than every one of those shitty teams.”
Office League: “Dang, Pete! Not again. You forgot to set your lineup, bud.”
Friends League: “I’m on my way to Peter’s house to kill him. Who wants to come with?”
Office League: “We have a new champion! Congrats to Pete!”
Friends League: “Here’s your fucking money. Don’t spend it all at the Cockbag store.”
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
Being Peter. #TPGTC
Fuck Peter
So trueeee
Not enough people being called “shit-sippers”.
Fucking ties. Me every year:
Office League: “Congrats to those who made the playoffs.”
Friends League: “This league’s scoring system is terrible. I’m better than every one of those shitty teams.”
I am using “Cockbag store” on someone tomorrow.