Facebook Is Holding Me Hostage

Facebook Is Holding Me Hostage

Facebook is the appendix of the Internet. Or maybe a tonsil. At some point it served a purpose, but now it is little more than a liability and is probably better off being cut out. It was useful in college to connect with all your college friends, schedule parties, and post unflattering and potentially incriminating photos from social gatherings. Even after college, it was useful to keep up with old friends and, well, remember birthdays. Oh, and for girls to stalk their ex’s ugly new girlfriend.

But Facebook has changed. I know what you’re thinking. ‘Okay, dad.’ But it’s just too much now. From weird taxidermy drone videos randomly showing up on your timeline to ridiculous yet irresistible clickbait to pointless internet arguments between people who don’t even know each other, Facebook has turned into the worst house party ever. You somehow end up in random Facebook groups with insufferable human beings and know everyone’s political opinion on everything, as if life isn’t saturated with politics enough. I’ll admit some guilt on the politics, but with politics inserted in literally every aspect of life it’s tough to resist.

I don’t even know how many Facebook groups I’m in or how many pages I like, but I do know that only a couple are relatively useful to me. Those groups would probably be more convenient as GroupMes, anyway. As much as I try to privatize my account, people I don’t want to associate with can still see it. There is no button that allows me to clear my Facebook history, which would be nice since my college posts don’t really need to be out there in the Interwebs anymore (not to mention pics with multiple exes that I keep forgetting to delete). And what’s with the weird feature I’ve noticed where you meet a mutual friend out and about and the next day they’re on your suggested friends list? What fresh hell is this? That’s just creepily invasive. Who wants to connect with the person they drunkenly propositioned the night before?

You may ask, “Why don’t you delete it, dumbass?” You’re right, I should. I’ve considered it several times. But Facebook has me trapped in its sinister clutches. It’s still the best tool for keeping up with your old friends. It just is. Other than calling them and asking them what’s up, but who has time for that these days? I’m half joking, but in today’s culture, very few friends would appreciate regular calls and texts for life updates. Only the very close ones. Besides, I need to know who hates me enough to not invite me to their wedding. That said, the old-fashioned Facebook features are still useful. Also, I know I’d get a load of shit from my family, especially the older ones who keep track of my life via Facebook. I can just hear my mom asking me why I deleted my Facebook because my uncles and aunts are asking about me. It’s not that big of a deal, but I loathe the idea of having to explain it multiple times and constantly update them on my life. My family, aside from my dad, Facebook messages more than it texts and I always get asked if I saw so-and-so’s Facebook post. Dear God, it’s everywhere. And also, I still haven’t put all my friends’ birthdays on my calendar, so there’s that.

Maybe Facebook could win me back by allowing me to disable all its unnecessary features and make it easier to declutter my profile. Maybe it does and I don’t know it. I’m technologically impaired. Not that it needs to, since it has me in its clutches and I don’t want to go through the headache of trying to rebuild outside of Facebook everything Facebook does for me. Who has the time for that?

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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