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I’ve tried every hangover cure known to man. Sure, a greasy breakfast, a Powerade, three Aleve, and a gallon of water usually work perfectly fine, but I realized I wanted something more. After I exhausted all the normal options, I started experimenting for myself–and I found more than I possibly could have dreamed. Here are a few things that have totally revolutionized my recovery methods.
1. Listening To Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” On Repeat For 3 Hours
What many people don’t know about this all-time great pop song is that Petey Gabes actually infused the lyrics with hidden messages. It’s sort of like what the weirdo Christians were afraid of with Ozzy’s music, except instead of trying to convince kids to murder their parents, this song is made up of hidden hypnosis music, specifically for people coming down off of coke benders. This was the primary hobby of Peter Gabriel fans in the ‘80s. The great thing is that these subliminal chants are also applicable to your vanilla, everyday hangover. Just put on a terrycloth robe, sit back in your recliner, throw on some headphones, and let the Archangel of Pop soothe your aches and nausea away.
2. Cold Yoga
Hot yoga has been popular for a few years now, but when it comes to hangovers, it doesn’t even compare to getting all Indian stretchy in Siberian temperatures. The last thing you want to apply to a hangover is heat. Your nausea is bad enough without cranking up the thermostat. If you downward dog it in near freezing temperatures, it puts your body into a semi-stasis state, allowing your system to filter out all the toxins while you feel nothing but the frigid air entering your lungs. Granted, most consumer-level air conditioning systems can’t handle this level of temperature change, so unless you live in Minnesota, you’ll need to rent out a restaurant’s walk-in freezer for a few hours. In fact, you could always just pass out at the bar where you got tanked and then the freezer will be right there for you the next morning. You’ll probably have to pay the bar’s “hotel fee,” but it’s totally worth it.
3. Coffee Enema
You should all know by now that drinking coffee doesn’t actually sober up anyone. It is great for a hangover, though, because the caffeine can tune out your headache a bit, and it can also help wash away the groggy eyes. But by now, your three cups per morning routine has probably acclimated your body to coffee’s effects, so how do you mainline it on the mornings when you need it most? Shoot it up your butt, duh. Not only do you get the caffeine shot straight to your system, but it also clears out all that garbage hanging out in your cavern. You know how much better you’ll feel when all those Carl’s Jr. and whiskey remnants come tumbling out of you? I bet you don’t.
4. Candle Wax Smoothie
Candles smell great, but what you might not know is that they have crazy amounts of vitamins in them. Here’s the problem with vitamins, though: your body naturally only absorbs a certain amount per day, and your kidneys flush out the rest. What’s great about candle wax is it’s like a vitamin Trojan horse. The wax protects the vitamins and minerals that are key to getting your levels back to normal until they enter your bloodstream. You’ll shit weird for a few days, but it’s worth it. Just make sure it’s still warm, because if you let it cool and harden, it’ll definitely stay in your stomach forever, and you’ll probably die. Other than that, no issues.
5. Going On A Hike
Hahahaha, just kidding, guys. That would just be absurd.