After an intense “To Be Continued…” we are back to see Evan (hopefully) get pummeled by Josh. It’s like they are bringing my wildest fantasy to life.
Evan approaches Amanda to give her his sad, handwritten date card. He reads it out loud, and Josh laughs like an old Disney villain. Amanda is a saint so she is like “oh…okay! That sounds fun!” and like, doesn’t get it at all.
Josh wipes Amanda’s spit off of his face, lies down, and finally breathes after sucking face for 24 straight hours. He applies some chapstick and waits for her inevitable return.
She gets to Evan’s creepy tree house lair, he hands her some wine, and tells her that he came there for her and has been “watching her from afar” because he hopes that borderline stalking is going to win her over from big, bad, Josh. Don’t worry Josh, he respects you, but still wants to steal yo girl.
Jorge the bartender appears and hands Josh a pizza, and well, I have changed my mind. This is like them bringing my wildest fantasy to life. Finally, Josh found something other than Amanda’s face to eat.
Side note: Jorge the bartender makes margaritas AND delivers pizzas. He would get my rose.
Anyways, Amanda is trying to let Evan down easy and she does a really good job, tbh. She even cries and pretends like she cares about his feelings. Can I hire her to break up with fuckboys for me? She is crying because she says he “deserves love” ….does he? Evan says he sees a spark in Amanda’s eye. That is not a spark Ev, that is pity.
Josh is still eating his pizza, laughing at Evan. I would pay money for this to go on forever. It’s like the little guy who plays the clarinet in the band asked out the quarterback’s girlfriend.
Apparently Evan misheard Amanda and is now under the impression that she said she wanted to take him on a date when she first got there. That never happened. He is very optimistic that she will end things with Josh and come running to him. No sane woman with eyes would ever leave male mannequin model, Josh Murray, for a dude with a soul patch who wears bracelets.
The next day on the beach is rose ceremony night. Lace is doing her hair, Nick is tying his skinny tie, Twin 1 is putting on a choker, andddd Daniel is shaving Vinny’s back with an electric razor. Just normal things.
Chris Harrison emerges from thin air in his linen summer suit, ready to tell the fuckboys and girls the shit that is about to go down after they mix and mingle/rub genitals.
Daniel steals Sarah away after she has a moment with Christian, and she wants him to kiss her tonight so she can figure out who she is giving her rose to. Right when you think he is about to do it, Sarah screams that there is a giant bee on his neck so the moment is ruined.
“Out of nowhere, this little bee came along and tried to impregnate my chin here, and stung me.” – Daniel, who apparently has no idea how bees work
After Sarah pulls the stinger out of Daniel’s chin, he goes for it. He kisses her, and she says it “wasn’t the best kiss” but I have faith she will make the right decision and give her rose to my dude. We need him now more than ever.
Twin 2 is trying to explain to Brandon (?) how to tell her apart from Twin 1. Back in their testimonials, she is torn about giving him her rose because he was unable to tell when they pulled the switcheroo on him. She had literally known him for MAYBE 1 HOUR prior to their date and she is upset about this. Girl, get the fuck over it. He is hot, and he likes you, so give him some damn time to get to know you. YOU ARE IDENTICAL TWINS. I watch you on TV for 3 hours a week, document your life on this stupid show, and I still cannot tell you apart. Get. Over. It.
Evan can’t stop talking about how he got rejected twice in one day and decides that isn’t enough. Again, he goes up to Amanda and Josh, interrupting their tonsil hockey session, and “steals her away” only to talk shit about Josh. He brings up Andi’s tell all book (which he has definitely never read) and decides he wants to warn her.
This is his last shot to try and throw Josh under the bus, hoping Amanda will dump him, so he can get her rose. Lol. Of course he brings up his kids and how they are both parents. Weird that Evan only remembers that he has kids when he is trying to connect with Amanda???
Josh overhears Lace telling Handsome Squidward about what Evan just did and is on the move to confront him. I have my popcorn ready and I am sitting 4 inches away from my screen. I am hoping for blood.
All we get from this is Josh going on and on about world peace and “rumors” and blah blah he sounds like a pageant girl with these rehearsed answers. Evan calls him out for it and says that he is “polished” and that his “polish has polish.” Ooo burn!
“Everything she said about me in the book is fiction.” –Josh
“Then why not sue her for libel?” –EVAN COMING IN HOT OHHH SHIT
“I am being a gentleman and not paying any attention to it.” – Josh, being gentlemanly by calling his ex a liar and a fake on national television
Of course Evan confesses to never having read the book. Shocker. The only books he reads are books about other dude’s penises.
Just when I was about to send Josh a marriage proposal via twitter DM, he talks about how he is “spiritual” and throws out some inspirational quotes. All I need now is to see him wearing jeans with flip flops and I will be over him.
The Rose Ceremony begins, fucking finally. Here’s a breakdown:
Lace to Grant
Izzy to Vinny
Twin 1 to Jared
Amanda to Josh
Sarah to Daniel (YAAAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Carly to Evanuuuuguggghhhhhhhhh
Twin 2 to Nick because he “deserves to find love”
Carly calls her rose to Evan a “platonic rose,” but he thinks this is their second wind and that he still has a chance and can’t wait to tell his kids about her. K. Do less, Evan.
“I haven’t closed the door on Carly. She closed the door on me, but maybe she forgot to lock it and I can sneak back in?” – Evan, in the most rapey way possible
Brandon (who?) and Christian are both leaving. God dammit Carly, why would you do this to us? We have to endure another week of Evan. And Carly has to endure another 48 hours of Evan stealing her underwear and keeping it under his pillow.
Nick compares Josh and Amanda to the couples in middle school that would walk down the halls wrapped around each other, and he is 100% accurate. I think Amanda’s skin is now Josh’s skin.
Twin 1 won’t stop talking about Jared. We get it, you like Jared. No idea why, but okay. Hopefully you two become a couple so he stops coming on these shows and I don’t have to keep looking at his splotchy pre-pubescent beard.
Caila (great name, terrible spelling) from Ben’s season shows up on the beach, and all the dudes are PUMPED. I honestly don’t get her appeal because I think she is nuts. She seems way too nice, and that is scary.
“She has FANTASTIC hair!” – Nick
“Unbelievable hair.” –Jared
“Like, I just want to ask if I can wash and shampoo her hair.” –Nick
Caila asks Jared on the date, and Jorge the bartender yells “of course it’s Jared!!!” and I roll my eyes because I just don’t get it. Jared goes to talk to Twin 1 to get her blessing before accepting the date because he is apparently not a fuckboy.
Never mind. He tells her he “really does like her” but that he is going on the date anyways. Ladies take note: even the nice ones are assholes!
“People ask why I am so closed off and this is why!” – Twin 1
“I have been dumped twice on national television. It’s okay.” – Nick, with the line of the night
Of course Disney princess music plays while Jared and Caila ride horses and fall in love on the beach. It’s magical and the two most overrated assholes on this show are a thing now.
Somewhere in the land of botox and crop tops, Ashley I. springs up in bed in a hot sweat and whispers, “Jared.” She then begins to sob uncontrollably.
Back at the resort, Amanda and Josh are somehow still mouth-to-mouth. Have they spoken a word to each other?
“I feel like I am at a high school party where everyone is just making out and I have no friends.” – Carly
A date card is sent down from Christ Harrison from the heavens, and it’s a double date card for Lace, Izzy, Vinny, and Handsome Squidward. Yawn.
Caila and Jared return from their date holding hands. Jared asks if he can talk to Twin 1 alone, and before he gets a chance to break her heart she tells him how much she likes him, which he replies again saying how much he likes her too. Note to guys: even if you DO really like a girl, do not tell her that right before you dump her for another girl. Especially if you are all living on an island together.
Twin 1 handles this very well, and I am shocked. Girl, you can do better than Jared’s ole Applebee’s manager ass. You are so much hotter than him. You are a 9 and he is MAYBE a 5 on a good day. He has fangs for teeth.
Carly and Sarah invite Evan and Daniel over to hang out, and we get to see Daniel eating what appears to be an avocado on a stick. Evan takes this invite to hang out as an invite to be Carly’s boyfriend and she isn’t feeling it, Round 2.
First Evan is into Carly. Carly isn’t into Evan. Then Evan is into Amanda and claims she is the only reason he is there. Amanda isn’t into Evan. Carly gives Evan a pity rose. Evan rambles on about how much he likes Carly. Carly still isn’t into Evan. I am getting a headache.
Evan passes out and then a producer appears and tries to wake him up, and he doesn’t move. Apparently rejection sent him into an alcohol induced spiral and dude is blacked the fuck out. They call a medic to the scene because he is not responsive.
Willing to bet he is faking it so that Carly will feel bad for him and give him sympathy attention.
He is hooked up to all of these machines and appears to be fine, so he must have slipped the medic $100 because as soon as Carly shows up they say that someone has to stay with him overnight to make sure he is okay.
Evan gets a sympathy cuddle from Carly and then proceeds to kiss her. She is into it because “this is the furthest anyone has ever gone to get my attention” and now I feel bad for her.
The double date appears to be at Senor Frogs or some cheesy nightclub, but I am only repeating what I see as a I fast-forward. Doooon’t care!
Sad Nick is alone on the beach saying how lonely and bored he is. As we hear Nick’s sad banter, we are treated to a glorious montage of Amanda and Josh in bed via night vision camera, combined with a nice fireworks display, and Amanda’s sex noises. The producers just love to fuck with Nick.
On the beach, Jared and Caila are playing the world’s lamest game of poker and look as happy as can be. Jared is super into her and can’t wait to see what happens with their relationship! But wait….the birds are screaming, the ground is shaking, the horror movie music begins…could it be? OH YEAH, it’s our favorite (or least favorite, idk) virgin and president of the I Love Jared Fan Club, Ashley I., and we all know why she’s there: to cock block Jared at any chance she gets.
Can’t wait for tomorrow, which I am predicting will be one full hour of Ashley I. crying about Jared. Stay tuned!.
Image via John Naffziger