Every Text I’ll Send You If I’m Sketching Out On Our Plans

Every Text I'll Send You If I'm Sketching Out On Our Plans

It took way longer than it should have, but I finally got called out. My illustrious run as a blatant flake has come to an end, and what a run it was. Over the last 4 to 5 years, I’ve become a blackbelt interest feigner. Sticking and moving, rolling with the punches, only to completely bail at the last moment through a glaringly lame text has become a second language for me. But now, after finally being called out for being the sketch ball that I am, I’m here to pull the curtain back and reveal the secrets that flakes everywhere don’t want you to know.

I’m not anti-social, but I am non-committal. I also hate missing out. My move is to put off a firm “no” as long as possible to avoid ridicule and pre-event FOMO. It’s selfish, and I’m trying to be less of a sketch ass in 2016. Look out for these the next time you throw out an invite or risk a last minute embarrassment that leaves you scrambling for a wingman.

“Who’s going?”

If you fire out an invite and this is the response you get, go ahead and start thinking about other options because there’s no doubt you’re getting bailed on. Think about it — you invited this person somewhere and the first thing they thought about was who else will be in attendance. In my heyday, this was my go-to because saying, “I don’t wanna go if it’s just the two of us” is just blatantly insulting. But that’s really what we mean, though. When this response gets tossed onto your screen, let this indifferent SOB know you’re onto them by returning fire with a “Not sure yet. Why?” As a serial offender of feigning interest, the last thing I want is someone putting the ball back in my court.

“Sounds great.”

This is the gold standard for saying absolutely nothing while actually saying something. Vague and generic, but also has sarcastic connotations that will lead one to wonder whether the sender was serious or not. “Sounds great” is essentially a placeholder used by those who are nice enough to dignify you with a response, but not nice enough to be forthright and just say there’s no way in hell they’re going. If you’re unlucky enough to receive a “Sounds great,” respond immediately or risk the awkward “I thought you were going?”/”I never said I was going” conversation.

“Hit me up when y’all leave.”

Here’s the scenario: You’re out at a low-key dinner, and you’re feeling good. So good, in fact, that you’re looking to escalate things by hitting the bars after, but you’re not exactly rolling with the power play unit. Naturally, you fire out an invite to that one buddy of yours that’s always down to grab a drink. If he doesn’t give you a firm “yes” or “no” within the first two responses, he’s probably a no-show. But if he puts the heat back on you by making you hit him up upon your departure, then you 100% won’t be seeing this guy. This is classic stuff. I’ve done it millions of times. He’s probably less than impressed with the crew you’ve already assembled, and he’s going to seek alternative plans that evening.

“Let me see if we have anything going on that night.”

This one’s for all my peeps that are locked down in serious relationships. This is not what you want to see after tossing out an invite. While you may think this is a good sign, it’s a very blatant red flag. When I use this, it’s because I’m very indecisive about committing and I’m looking for a way out that won’t make me look like a prick. It’s as simple as that. Here’s how it goes down:

Me: Let me see if we’ve got something that night. I’ll get back to you.
3 days pass
You: You in for Saturday?
Me: Sorry, man. We’ve got a thing for her friend I can’t get out of.

Don’t even pencil this dude in as a maybe. It’s not happening. Truthfully, I did want to go, but I didn’t want to disappoint you.

“Any girls gonna be there?”

Probably my all-time favorite because of how blatantly dickheaded it is when you really think about it. “Hey, you’re cool, but getting laid is cooler.” Even if it’s true, you should never say it. This was absolutely huge in high school, college and those blacked out few years immediately following because you can’t have fun with a bunch of dudes, right? Take it from me — if your boy is already being cynical about prospects and wondering about the likelihood of the P Patrol making an appearance, he’s going to bail on you.

Image via Shutterstock

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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