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“Oh my God, how are you?!” you hear in the crowded hometown bar the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving.
All of the sudden, your voice gets higher when you’re talking to your ex-girlfriend that you’ve fallen out of contact with since you broke up in a college a while back. You look her up and down wondering who is currently winning the battle of attractiveness before realizing you had to size up in your Patagonia order this year to compensate for canceling your gym membership. As your friend starts doling out shots, you grab an extra and hand it over to her just to ensure you come off as the nice guy instead of the asshole.
After taking it and half-heartedly catching up about her new job and how she’s been seeing someone since spring, your mind starts to wander. Because, after all, there’s a lot of talent around.
The Girl You’ve Always Had A Thing For
It doesn’t matter if this girl was dating someone else all through high school or if she just went to a different school so you never got your fifteen minutes of fame with her — but you two always make eyes and know somethin’ is a brewin’. One of your buddies knows it too, so he gives you an elbow letting you know she’s around (which you already know) before you drop a “Dude, I wonder what her deal is.” And there’s only one way to find out.
Next thing you know, you’re one-arm hugging her while giving an eyebrow raise to your friend across the bar who starts making all of your friends aware that you’re talking to her. As he starts doing the fake air hump behind her back, you clutch your beer and have to look to the ceiling for fear of losing it (and her).
Attainability: 8.5
Fun Factor: 9.5
Good Idea: Yes
The Girl Who Turned The Ship Around Since High School
“Holy shit, have you seen ________? She looks good.”
“Wow, where’d that come from?”
“Look out!”
You’re not sure where it came from, but one thing’s for certain: she done changed the game on everyone since enrolling at a mediocre state school only to realize her full potential. Not only did she take full advantage of the free gym membership the school offered, but she clearly got some help in the upkeep department by way of her sorority over the past few years. You’re not sure which of your friends is going to attempt to take her back to their parent’s house, but whoever does is going to have a shit-eating grin on his face when he tells the story Friday night at the same bar while everyone starts asking, “Well have you invited her out tonight?”
(He has, but he’s going to act like he hasn’t.)
Attainability: 6.5 (you were probably mean to her in high school and she still resents you)
Fun Factor: 7.5
Good Idea: Eh
The Girl You Dated In High School
She’s an ex, but not a real ex. She was your “first love” even though “love” meant she showed you what it was like to go beyond first base for the first time.
Once the conversation starts, it goes one of two ways. Worst case, you’re stuck there hearing all about her engagement while her fiancé looks you up and down thinking, “I bet I could take this guy.” Or, she’s clearly still single (like you) and you wonder whether or not taking a time machine back to high school is an okay idea or just a foolish night move that you’ll regret all Thursday as your parents explain to you “how nice of a girl” she was when you first dated.
Attainability: 9
Fun Factor: 4
Good Idea: Only if you’ve changed cell phone numbers since you originally broke up.
The Older Woman
Calling her a “cougar” would be unfair to her. Sure, she’s older. And yeah, on the surface, she appears to fit into the “cougar” category. But deep down, she isn’t necessarily a cougar.
She might be single, she might be married, and shit, she might even be with her husband. But just like you, she’s got the next day off and she’s reliving her glory days just like the group of people you carpooled to the bar with. Does she see your group of six high school friends mixing things up between the dance floor and the bar? Of course, and there’s a part of her that wishes she had been born a little early so she could mix it up with you. But unfortunately, for her and you, it’s just a situation that shouldn’t be entertained on any level.
Attainability: 2
Fun Factor: 10
Good Idea: No. Just… no.
The Wild Card
“Meet my friend, _________. She’s in town with me this weekend!”
You look over to your friend whose eyes just lit up like he’s won the damn lottery. All of the sudden, he starts standing at full attention with a twinkle in his eye because he knows it’s on. Between their conversations of where they went to school and how crazy it is that they work in the same city and have a couple of mutual friends, all the guys you came to the bar with start giving each other the silent eyes to leave them alone.
Once last call hits and the final rounds of ‘quila have been hastily slammed onto the table, someone asks the question of the night: “Hey, where’d they go?” While no one’s sure, you know it’s going to be a hell of a story the next day, because it wouldn’t be a Thanksgiving Day Lions game without it.
Attainability: 8
Fun Factor: 8
Good Idea: What are you, new? .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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The Girl Who Peaked in High School
Back in the day, she was the hottest and most popular chick in your year. The years have not been kind to her, however, and that Freshman 15 turned into Forever 25. She went to the local state school and never really left your hometown. But now you’re tossing back scotch & sodas like they’re water, and you start to think about how you would have killed for a chance with her in high school. Your ego takes over, and pretty soon you’re both making moves on the dance floor.
Attainability: 10
Fun Factor: 7
Good Idea: Not at all, but you’re going to do it anyway to prove something to yourself.
Just don’t go back to her place unless you want to be woken up by her kids she had while in college.
Nothing worse than waking up with a brutal hangover to “Are you my new daddy?”
That’s a story I’d like to read
Hey man, get your own website.
JK, that was pretty funny.
Thanks, man. Looking forward to the newest chapter of the Todd Saga tomorrow.
Being to afraid to take them back to parents house, but can’t afford a hotel. PGP.
Part of the reason I’m waiting until Thursday morning to go home
A few years back, brought home “the girl I used to date” on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. All was going well, thought it would be an interesting time. As soon as she gets into my room and takes her shirt off, she throws up all over the carpet, almost immediately sobers up, and begins to lecture me about how I need to treat her like a friend at the moment who needs help cleaning up.
Needless to say, nothing happened, and I had to lie to my mother and tell her I threw up on the carpet and left a large stain. Moral of the story, probably not a good idea to try and rekindle.
The psycho bitch you are going to dump at Thanksgiving dinner:
Check in tomorrow.
So? How’d it go?
Will what are the odds you strike out with all of them?
Your Young Sister’s Hot Friend
Yep
I feel like I can apply this pretty well to the 5 year HS reunion I’m attending tomorrow. Still trying to determine how hard I should pregame it. Can’t wait to see who got fatter than I did.
I feel like like Facebook and things of the same nature have completely negated the need for high school reunions. I already have a great idea of who got fat, who didn’t, who made it, and who’s broke.
Exactly. Reunions used to be to catch up with those you haven’t seen in years. Now we see people we don’t care about on a daily basis on Facebook, what they eat, where they shit and their newest get rich quick scheme that they will inevitably ask you to invest in even though everyone knows it’s never going to work out.
Just one change, good idea to yes for all scenarios.
#6: The girl who is pretending to be the girl who turned the ship around since high school. Excessively dressed up for the Wednesday before thanksgiving. Excessive chatter of purported accomplishments and how she turned the ship around. You still don’t want to take her home.
How much older is this older woman? Is she like what 33 and maybe you’re 25? What’s the big deal as long as she’s single go for it or hell even if she isn’t and her husband is ok with it why not? Perhaps they swing and he has a gf or maybe they are Poly you never can tell these days. Just wear a condom and be smart about it.
There’s about a zero percent chance a condom comes into the equation.