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Dear Facebook Commenter,
It’s me, Internet Content Creator. Remember me? I wrote that piece about why you should vaccinate your kids; that video of why you shouldn’t vote for Trump; that article on why you should vote for Trump; that think-piece on why not allowing people to use the bathroom according to the gender with which they identify is oppressive to trans women; that podcast on why allowing it puts our wives and daughters in danger of men pretending to be women; that blog post on why veganism/paleo/gluten-free/Atkins is the key to an optimally functioning body; and that study that pits a Big Mac against a Whole Foods yamburger and discovers the Big Mac was lower in calories, carbohydrates, and cholesterol (this study brought to you by the McDonalds Corporation). I circulate news, satire, and opinions to the public with the goal of inspiring thought-provoking and sophisticated discourse among our community. And boy, do I get it.
I write with my convictions firmly planted, my research done, and my mind fixated on the topic for quite some time. But something amazing happens when I expose my convictions to the milieu of contrasting opinions that is Facebook. Your angry comments have the ability to effectively reverse my way of thinking.
I have to say, Laura Kay Baumer-Perry, your excellent point that “you know your eating DEATH right???!! So disgusting, i can’t watch all the way through” on the steak recipe I posted really got me thinking. I could probably stand to get some more legumes in my diet. My elephant-shaped peanut butter cookies have to be a hit, right? Not according to RickAndStacey Kenton, who reportedly “could never send my son to school with that. Too many peanut allergies!! We need more protection from peanuts in schools. Our son Condor is so lucky to not have any food allergies. So sad for those kids.” What a noble cause, RickAndStacey. How cerebral of you to acknowledge not all kids are genetically superior as your boy Condor. How about I publish a retraction so we can forget this little boo-boo ever happened, okay? Are snickerdoodles acceptable or is Condor also not allergic to cinnamon?
And you, Terry Smith. You commented on my lighthearted video about gay men marrying the girlfriends of gay-marriage opposers. Your comment? “GIRLS LIKE DICK HEADS, I DONT BELIEVE GAY GIRL CAN DO THAT !” Did something strike a chord with you there, Terry? I’m really sorry about that. Here, do you want some sex? Maybe that will make you feel better. At least your pal Rob is here to back you up by saying, “They sound like that super nice guy that ALL girls seem to always dump, who they always leave to be with that Ass hole guy instead Lol …so nah no one should be worried..” Rob, it sounds like you are implying you are a nice guy and not an Ass hole guy. If that is the case, thank you so much for bravely sharing. Your comment isn’t off-topic. On the contrary, the original post was off topic because it wasn’t about you! We are all so glad you brought up the true issue at hand: why you cannot get a girlfriend. Let me tell you, to a woman, there is nothing sexier than a man who points that out.
And finally you, Travis T-Money Montague, you made quite a profound observation on my proposed solution for gun safety, “All them laws sure help smh Gun grabbers use crime as an excuse yet no laws stop the criminals…..idiots.” Sure, I was offended at first. “Gun-grabbers”? Surely you must know a better term for supporters of gun safety. He must have the wrong idea of what we are trying to do. But then I thought about it. Guns aside, how many criminals have been stopped by the law? Seems like all we have are laws, laws, laws. Well if that’s the case, someone has to be breaking them! Why haven’t we done anything with these damn criminals? It’s almost like there should be a special place designated only for people who break the law, like one big building, and we can make it really hard to get out. We can even make it kind of suck so that no one wants to go there in the first place (but we can still give them food and a gym and stuff because they’re still people). This way our laws will finally start meaning things, you know? What an amazing breakthrough! Thank you, T-Money, for leading me out of the dark; you just gained one more supporter. Your comments on Lindsay Pelas’ Facebook photos consisting of only the tongue and water drop emojis now carry significantly more meaning. I can tell you Ms. Pelas will take notice very soon.
Thank you, brave ones, for fighting the worthy battle of Facebook commenting. It is not a job for everyone. Every day I marvel at the new enlightening ideas and viewpoints, most of which are coming from those who only read the headline. Creative grammatical expression, colorful language, and flexible spelling standards only help encourage diversity of opinion. I know you don’t hear it every day, but you’re really making a difference out there. You are changing minds; you are changing lives; and soon enough, you will change the world.
Sincerely (really, I mean super sincerely),
Internet Content Creator .
Image via Shutterstock
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Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
I love this.
To be fair, since I’m the fucking maverick of the comment section on here, I don’t have Facebook. Sometimes, I think I should get one in order to publish my immense knowledge of our societal structures in attempts to educate the highly intelligent and well-informed FarmVille users of the atrocities of everyday human existence. It looks like my work on this forum has been done and well received. I strive to be the “good” commenter who stays true to himself and can sensibly write humor without being a sub human, piece of shit commenter like the ones described above. I promise to try and break through the clutter on here since I’m arguably being silenced by the powers that be who decide what content is worthy of being published (Dave). I know I don’t put as much thought in my column submissions as I should but it’s really fucking difficult to write gold when your boss is Big Brother who has a direct line of sight view to you computer screens (yes screens is plural because I’m not a god damn serf). I am currently writing this in the confines of a handicapped toilet stall and I don’t even have to shit. If I do not make it out alive today please tell my family that I love them very much and also tell my boss to go get suffocated by his estranged wife with a plastic Whole Foods bag before they make everyone carry those little take home reusable tote bags that have breathable mesh material.
There is only room for one comment Maverick, Iceman
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Idk how to post GIFs, Shibb so you win.
If you’re ever in MN, I would like to buy you a beer to thank you for your service.
Likewise for St Louis.
I second this comment.
We are the silenced majority. Our hastily written and poorly thought out articles will be quashed by the Man, but free speech lives on in the comments section. Who knows, keep writing and maybe eventually they’ll be low enough on content to post some of your stuff.
Maybe we’ll get forums someday.
Tier-2 writer’s unite! #allcontentmatters
writers* meh. Guess that is why I’m tier 2.
Same
Your dum and youre face is dum. This is why I cant get a gf, girls spending 2 much time writing for dickheads instead of appreciting nice Guy like me.
That being said, I have this conversation with my dad at least once a week. He loves to argue with people on the internet. There are no winners in that fight.
At least most of the opinionated statements are linked to reputable news sites that don’t sound shady at all.
Hey come on, man. The Onion is cutting edge reporting.
“Never go to the comments section. You’ll always be disappointed.”
*Goes to the comments section, is disappointed*
“Goddammit, self.”
Sometimes I go there just to watch the train wrecks…
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Lost it at “RickAndStacey Kenton…Our son Condor”
Bravo.
Coming up next: PGP commentors and the endless struggle for Nice-works’
This is what is creating a lot of problems in our society. You have idiots that know nothing about a subject, spouting off about said subject as if they do know what they’re talking about. Then some other dumb idiot reads it and believes it. Like I’ve continued to think: Social media has given a voice to the masses (great!). But the masses are showing themselves to be largely idiotic (not so great!).
“Individuals are smart, people are stupid.”
Saving that one.