Common Dating App Faux Pas That All Point To Why You’re Single

Common Dating App Faux Pas That All Point To Why You're Single

By no means am I a dating expert. I’ve been out of the dating game for quite awhile now. So long, in fact, that I’ve never actually signed up for a dating app. The closest I’ve come is when me and my fellow writers created hypothetical dating profiles for ourselves for #content.

However, I host a world famous dating podcast called Don’t Take It From Us in which Jenna Crowley and I grade dating profiles in a popular segment called “Bumblebraggin’.” We don’t claim to be professionals (well maybe I’m a professional asshole) but 20 episodes in we’re noticing a lot of the same mistakes over and over.

The following is a PSA. Stop making these common faux pas on your Bumble/Tinder/Blender (?) accounts. And before you comment that you’ve read something similar here before most of the reason I wrote this was to use the word faux pas in a title. Nyah nyah.

Not Being Able To Tell Who The Hell You Are

Are you a skinny white guy of average height with brown hair? Maybe don’t make your first picture one of you and your two other suburbs buds that look identical to you down to the J Crew 484 jeans. Same goes for the women. Men aren’t the most intelligent creatures so if the first picture is of three blonde haired blue-eyed beauties naturally we’re assuming we’re going on a date with all three. Mix in some variety.

Posing With An Uglier Friend

We all have that friend we keep around to make us feel better about ourselves. You know the one. They’d be nothing without you. Well, maybe not nothing but a whole lot less of something.

Mine happens to be 6’7, the size of an NFL tight end and could casually smash my head like a grapefruit. Also, I think I’m his ugly friend.

All jokes aside – ladies, we know what you’re doing. And while the majority of us guys don’t care, my heart goes out to that snaggly toothed bug eyed sack of potatoes you call your “bestie” just so more eyeballs are averted from her towards you. I respect the move but I can’t say I like it.

Saying “I’m Just Here To Make Friends”

Well we know that’s not true. I covered this last week but most people at this age aren’t in the market for new friends. I understand fully that it’s a defense mechanism for women to ward off creeps, but if that’s the case, just be honest. Something like, “Hey I’m not going to meet you in a Buy Buy Baby parking lot for a quickie in the back of your uncle’s Celica. I’m classier than that” gets the point across nicely.

Giving Zero Effort

If you don’t have the required number of pictures or your bio simply states “I don’t know what to put here,” what does that say about you as a human being? You can’t follow directions, stick to a plan or have a creative/interesting bone in your body? Hope you have a great rack or one of your four out of the required six photos is you on a boat.

Including A Famous Landmark Or Celebrity

If you’re planning on including a scenic backdrop in one of your pictures, don’t make it something off the list of the Most Photographed Places in the World. This means no Golden Gate Bridge, no Eiffel Tower, no Grand Canyon and ABSOLUTELY no Chicago Bean. These places say nothing besides you except, “One time I took a mediocre trip.” If you want to show how worldly and traveled you are, include a picture from someplace most people haven’t been. Like Thailand.

As for pictures with celebrities, you’re basically highlighting that you’re so insecure that you decided to include a photo of yourself with somebody much more accomplished. It says absolutely zero about you except, “One time I was in the same place as somebody you’d rather fuck instead of me.”

Covering Half Your Fucking Face

I know how important rosé is to your personal “brand” and I get how essential your sports fandom is that you want to show yourself enjoying a ballgame. However, sunglasses, hats and (most importantly) drinks blocking a third of your face in your photos don’t make the swiper feel very reassured. Especially if one of those drinks has a straw in it. How difficult is it for you to post a picture of both of your open eyes, your nose and your mouth all at the same time? Very difficult apparently.

Mentioning You Were A College Athlete

This is primarily a poor habit of men right out of college. If you’re still in school and you include that you’re on a team in your dating app bio that’s fine. It defines your social circle and shows where your priorities are at that point in time.

However, if you’re postgrad and you include that you were on the State University Golf team for 9 months, that means nothing. It shows that you live in the past and still think sports accomplishments hold weight in this world. I’ve got some news for you – after college, they don’t. And don’t include what Division your sport was in. A D1 anything in college is still a normal boring adult after college. Trust me on this one. The only sports accomplishments you should include are professional ones or if you went to the fucking Olympics. If you got the Bronze for curling in Sochi, I want to hear about it.

Being Cliché

Starbucks, Netflix, pizza, wine, brunch, rosé, ugh you’re so basic, your dog is your best friend, you can’t even, something copied and pasted from the Internet. I could go on forever, baby. Be yourself, give a shit and don’t try to confirm to what you think people will like. They’ll like you no matter what. I promise.

* * *

This week on Don’t Take It From Us Jenna Crowley and I chat about even MORE dating app faux paus, we run it back to our old segment Love in the Headlines and review follow-ups to some early Bumble profile submissions we received. We also talk at length about the term “friend groups” and discuss whether or not dating a girl with toxic friends is worth breaking up with. Enjoy!

Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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