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By no means am I a dating expert. I’ve been out of the dating game for quite awhile now. So long, in fact, that I’ve never actually signed up for a dating app. The closest I’ve come is when me and my fellow writers created hypothetical dating profiles for ourselves for #content.
However, I host a world famous dating podcast called Don’t Take It From Us in which Jenna Crowley and I grade dating profiles in a popular segment called “Bumblebraggin’.” We don’t claim to be professionals (well maybe I’m a professional asshole) but 20 episodes in we’re noticing a lot of the same mistakes over and over.
The following is a PSA. Stop making these common faux pas on your Bumble/Tinder/Blender (?) accounts. And before you comment that you’ve read something similar here before most of the reason I wrote this was to use the word faux pas in a title. Nyah nyah.
Not Being Able To Tell Who The Hell You Are
Are you a skinny white guy of average height with brown hair? Maybe don’t make your first picture one of you and your two other suburbs buds that look identical to you down to the J Crew 484 jeans. Same goes for the women. Men aren’t the most intelligent creatures so if the first picture is of three blonde haired blue-eyed beauties naturally we’re assuming we’re going on a date with all three. Mix in some variety.
Posing With An Uglier Friend
We all have that friend we keep around to make us feel better about ourselves. You know the one. They’d be nothing without you. Well, maybe not nothing but a whole lot less of something.
Mine happens to be 6’7, the size of an NFL tight end and could casually smash my head like a grapefruit. Also, I think I’m his ugly friend.
All jokes aside – ladies, we know what you’re doing. And while the majority of us guys don’t care, my heart goes out to that snaggly toothed bug eyed sack of potatoes you call your “bestie” just so more eyeballs are averted from her towards you. I respect the move but I can’t say I like it.
Saying “I’m Just Here To Make Friends”
Well we know that’s not true. I covered this last week but most people at this age aren’t in the market for new friends. I understand fully that it’s a defense mechanism for women to ward off creeps, but if that’s the case, just be honest. Something like, “Hey I’m not going to meet you in a Buy Buy Baby parking lot for a quickie in the back of your uncle’s Celica. I’m classier than that” gets the point across nicely.
Giving Zero Effort
If you don’t have the required number of pictures or your bio simply states “I don’t know what to put here,” what does that say about you as a human being? You can’t follow directions, stick to a plan or have a creative/interesting bone in your body? Hope you have a great rack or one of your four out of the required six photos is you on a boat.
Including A Famous Landmark Or Celebrity
If you’re planning on including a scenic backdrop in one of your pictures, don’t make it something off the list of the Most Photographed Places in the World. This means no Golden Gate Bridge, no Eiffel Tower, no Grand Canyon and ABSOLUTELY no Chicago Bean. These places say nothing besides you except, “One time I took a mediocre trip.” If you want to show how worldly and traveled you are, include a picture from someplace most people haven’t been. Like Thailand.
As for pictures with celebrities, you’re basically highlighting that you’re so insecure that you decided to include a photo of yourself with somebody much more accomplished. It says absolutely zero about you except, “One time I was in the same place as somebody you’d rather fuck instead of me.”
Covering Half Your Fucking Face
I know how important rosé is to your personal “brand” and I get how essential your sports fandom is that you want to show yourself enjoying a ballgame. However, sunglasses, hats and (most importantly) drinks blocking a third of your face in your photos don’t make the swiper feel very reassured. Especially if one of those drinks has a straw in it. How difficult is it for you to post a picture of both of your open eyes, your nose and your mouth all at the same time? Very difficult apparently.
Mentioning You Were A College Athlete
This is primarily a poor habit of men right out of college. If you’re still in school and you include that you’re on a team in your dating app bio that’s fine. It defines your social circle and shows where your priorities are at that point in time.
However, if you’re postgrad and you include that you were on the State University Golf team for 9 months, that means nothing. It shows that you live in the past and still think sports accomplishments hold weight in this world. I’ve got some news for you – after college, they don’t. And don’t include what Division your sport was in. A D1 anything in college is still a normal boring adult after college. Trust me on this one. The only sports accomplishments you should include are professional ones or if you went to the fucking Olympics. If you got the Bronze for curling in Sochi, I want to hear about it.
Being Cliché
Starbucks, Netflix, pizza, wine, brunch, rosé, ugh you’re so basic, your dog is your best friend, you can’t even, something copied and pasted from the Internet. I could go on forever, baby. Be yourself, give a shit and don’t try to confirm to what you think people will like. They’ll like you no matter what. I promise. .
This week on Don’t Take It From Us Jenna Crowley and I chat about even MORE dating app faux paus, we run it back to our old segment Love in the Headlines and review follow-ups to some early Bumble profile submissions we received. We also talk at length about the term “friend groups” and discuss whether or not dating a girl with toxic friends is worth breaking up with. Enjoy!
Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!
Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
When you don’t have any of these on your dating app profile, but you’re still single. PGP.
I think you gotta send it in and let them critique it on the podcast.
Also, sup?
When you sent in your profile and they gave you an A- yet I still get no responses. PGP.
I feel like we’ve discussed this issue.
We have, and dating apps still suck.
Sup a dude IRL next time your in starbucks or whatever. Total PGPM women don’t seem to take advantage of and a dude it way more gonna remember that girl that sup’d him than any girl he tried to flirt with. I’ve only been sup’d a handful of times and i can honestly remember pretty much everyone of them i was sober for.
This would 100% work on me if a cute girl said what’s up IRL. Would also probably work in a bar or somewhere less intimidating for you.
The last time I tried this was a guy I met through work who didn’t wear a wedding band because he almost ripped his finger off once. Its been 4 months since then. Haven’t found another single man out of high school who doesn’t lead with “I don’t like being tied down”. PGP.
I just got paid 9k dollar working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do Go this Web Click Here
Go this web and start your work.. Good luck…
Might just do that, why not. Sup yourself
Omg it happened
There’s like a 99% favorable chance when a girl “IRL Sups” me in a random place. This has happened maybe once or twice in my entire life. First time I totally didn’t know what was happening, like an idiot, but yeah it’s awesome when a girl does that. On the other hand, I think girls also like it if you would just go up and talk to them instead of just thinking about how much you’d like to in your head.
Yes you do!
After much experience, I’ve learned that if there’s a picture of a very attractive friend and a not so attractive friend, and it isn’t clear who it is, always assume it’s the less attractive friend.
Because it always is.
Messaging them and asking if their friend is single. PGPM.
one of my friends had a picture of the two of us on her dating profile, and said multiple guys asked her about me instead LOL sadly this is a #humblebrag fail because she’s now engaged and i’m still single.
Why wouldn’t people want to ask about Phil Kessel?
sup?
I’ve done it. Didn’t get a response.
*quietly removes Golden Gate photo from bumble profile*
But what if I didn’t go to Thailand? I went to Fort Lauderdale
The Thailand of Florida
Went out with a guy I met on bumble a few weeks ago. His profile was on point and he made the perfect transition from messaging to texting to making concrete plans. Seemed like we had a ton in common and I was very impressed. We finally went on a date and he talked about himself nonstop for probably an hour, and when he finally asked about me, he lowkey insulted me and then repeatedly made digs at my job and where I’m from. Definitely not in a cute, teasing way. I could barely get a word in edgewise and then he was shocked when he asked me out again and I told him that he’s really nice but I just don’t think we’re compatible. Sent me a ridiculous text after I got home about how unappreciative I am and to have a nice life. I’m now taking a hiatus from dating apps.
Why would he make digs at nursing as a profession? BSN RN make pretty good bank, they tend to be funny and dark af(Think of Nived level dark), plus they got good stories. And TBH girl in scrubs = fyre
Wow thanks for saying that. I am no where near our friend Nived’s level of darkness though I have my moments. He just kept reminding me that it’s not a glamorous job and that I have to deal with gross shit (pun intended) which I mean it’s sometimes true but I spend my days taking care of people who can’t care for themselves which I think is pretty damn cool. But not everyone sees it that way. It is what it is.
What’s your specialty btw if you don’t mind me asking @NurseJackie?
^Yea what is wrong with that guy to put down nursing? I think you just got unlucky. My sister is a nurse and I respect the hell out of her for it. I know I don’t have the capacity to do that job at all, and the compassion and empathy it takes to do it is admirable. I mean, I look at spreadsheets all day, that’s hardly glamorous. And yea Elliot Reid is indeed all kinds of fire.
Samatha Taggart from ER though she was also fyre in scrubs.
Man wtf is wrong with some dudes
Having been on dating apps more on than off since sometime in 2013, this list in 100% spot on. I’ve been on a number of really good dates, and a number of really bad dates. 9 times out of 10 the bad dates have done at least one of these faux pas.
If I can’t tell who you are, there is an ugly person in the profile, or you use the word pizza or adventure, it’s a hard left swipe.
Also, stop having pictures with a kid that isn’t yours! You can tell me you love your niece on Facebook. And no car selfies and/or snap chat filters. Pull yourself together.
Just put some shit you enjoy doing in your bio. If I do one of those things I will mention it and say we should talk about it over drinks.
If you can’t make fun of them for the car they drive, why even swipe right?
Snapchat filters are an automatice left swipe for me.
An edit button would be nice.
Don’t: be a bot
Can I mention I was on the varsity golf team 2007-2010?
I’ve met my last and current gf on tinder shockingly enough. I always like the shorter bios or none at all. If the bio is too long, its a turn off and the girl is probably a pain in the butt with an inflated ego. Also, “fluent in sarcasm” is probably the worst phrase you can put on your bio. Thats an automatic swipe left.
And please stop saying you’re a mom….to your dog.