College Taught You How To Care For A Baby

College Taught You How To Care For A Baby

You’ve heard this phrase before and you’ve said this phrase before: “I didn’t learn anything in college.” Most of what you know about your job you probably got as on-the-job training (with your major maybe providing a small amount of help) if you’re even working in the field you majored in at all. You learned some shit outside of class, mainly how to get as drunk as you can for as little money as possible, but you actually picked up something else that’s extremely useful later in life:

How to take care of a baby.

You may think I’m crazy saying that the 4-6 years filled with nothing but debauchery and terrible decisions taught you to take care of life’s most frail and helpless creatures, but hear me out. Parenting books, websites, and classes are great, but a few things the hands-on experience that college gave you can’t be beat.

You Can Get the Job Done At Your Worst

This isn’t groundbreaking by any means: kids are a ton of fucking work, babies especially. Feedings, diapers, rocking to sleep, entertaining, tantrums, etc. It’s all in an exhausting day’s work. That exhausting day will bleed into exhausting months, even years. When you’re on the verge of being a parent you’ll wonder how the hell you’re ever going to manage doing all that stuff while also dealing with your other adult responsibilities.

Lucky for you, college taught you how to handle playing injured like a champ. How many times did you have an early morning test or paper due, and despite being mentally and physically drained due to being out until 4 a.m. the last three nights, you still got it done? All those days where you had to be at your best (despite the night before being at your very worst), you sucked it up with some coffee and got the job done. That’s going to pay off once you have a screaming shitmonster calling for you at 3 a.m. Make no mistake, that kid is going to wear your ass out like an old salty high school football coach by demanding your very best. College trained you to rise to the occasion.

You Know How to Deal With Various Bodily Fluids

Kids are gross. They shit and piss everywhere and with zero warning. They puke spontaneously, also most of the time with zero warning. As babies, it’s literally your job to burp them and make them puke. It’s a little overwhelming and gross to think of all those gross bodily functions and having to deal with them and somehow keep yourself, your child, and your things, clean.

Calm down, because college has those body implosions covered too. The first time your kid gets sick and pukes all over something? Don’t panic. Breathe. Remember that time your roommate came home from penny pitchers and lost that afternoon’s Whataburger all over the couch? You sprang to action and got that couch so clean that only occasionally did someone say, “Uh, did someone throw up on here?” You’ve handled drunkenly pissed sheets, vomit, and any other gross thing you could think of while you were racking up student loans; you can take care of whatever an infant is throwing at you. Feel comforted that your small baby can’t puke half as much as your borderline-alcoholic roommate, and even then you could still manage the cleanup.

You Know How to Act Like A Gleeful Idiot

I’ve written before that one of the best ways to be a good parent is to be an absolute fool while playing with your kids. They want some ridiculous parent who can play along with their imagination and is willing to do embarrassing things to help them enjoy themselves. No one looks stupider than someone playing with a baby.

You’re an adult now; you’ve got a job and responsibilities. How are you supposed to act like a small child and throw any sense of being an adult out the window? Wait a minute. Remember that one time that for 4-6 years you continuously got rid of any thoughts you had about being a mature human being and constantly acted like an obnoxious dumb asshole? Boom, bring that guy back! College made him come out, parenthood needs him to come back; just a reformed “I went to AA got my life somewhat together” version. Instead of suggesting, “Hey, anyone wanna try butt chugging?” this crazy childlike idiot needs to suggest, “Hey, let’s go play in your fort!” with the fort being three chairs covered by a Winnie the Pooh blanket.

College may not have taught you much, but take solace that you’ve got some serious experience in how to care for a baby.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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