College Alumni Fantasy Camp

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Make your postgrad dreams a reality at Lone Star State University Fantasy Camp. You will be guided through a one-week, fully immersive college experience by campus legends as you suit up in your alma mater’s garb and reintroduce yourself to the college experience! This will be one week you’ll never forget, but you’ll struggle to remember!

The event is planned for June 7-14, 2015. If you would like more information on LSSU Alumni Fantasy Camp, please call 1-800-555-LSSU.

Each all-inclusive package includes:
• 7 days/7 nights accommodations at either your former fraternity house or a designated off-campus townhouse
• Hangover brunch provided every day from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.
• Campus meal plan at 24-hour dining hall
• All transportation is provided
• Free T-shirts commemorating everything (just like college)
• Daily class schedule (attendance is optional, but a great way to interact and bond with your fellow campers)
• Daily afternoon tune-up course on the finer points of interaction with the opposite sex, aged 18-23
• Two Q&A sessions with a current college student to discuss current campus trends
• Awards banquet on the final night of camp
• Camp photographer available
• Highlight video (disclaimer: video to be destroyed after playing)
• All campers have the opportunity to purchase discounted football season tickets
• Mock tailgate on the Saturday before the end of camp

DISCLAIMER: LSSU is not liable for any personal injury to campers. All participants must sign a waiver of liability and a responsibility pledge.

Camp Schedule

Day 1: Welcome Banquet
-Catered dinner from campus favorite Lick-n-Wingers, everyone’s favorite college town eatery; all-you-can-drink open bar with call liquor and light beer
-Post-dinner reception at TJ Hackensack’s Bar & Grille
-Late-night pizza catered from Gumby’s

Day 2: Instructs And Class
-9 a.m. wake up call: Pre-med students will be on-site offering IV fluids and general care for campers suffering from dehydration and soreness; dialysis available on demand
-Early morning class schedule; fully immersive college experience
-Lunch at campus Chick-fil-A
-Day drinking downtown on the patio at Kilroy’s Irish Pub & Pizza
-Paint party at Delta Gamma
-Late-night food catered by Jimmy John’s

Day 3: Skip Day
-18 holes at Eagle Point Golf Club (tee times available from 7 to 10 a.m.)
-Lunch at Hooters
-Simulated office hours with angry foreign TA in the afternoon
-Intramural dodgeball tournament at night
-Victory party for tournament champions at Club 2100, open bar (loser’s party location TBD)

Day 4: Finals Prep
-Adderall provided
-Studying not mandatory
-Total access to campus library
-Designated recovery day (no drinking allowed while on campus)

Day 5: Finals
-“Campus dash” race held at 8 a.m. with fully simulated “oversleeping” scenario (think Warrior Dash meets full-fledged refugee escape)
-One comprehensive final on the week’s classes with pass/fail grading
-Those who fail the test will be sent home, unless the party makes an extra $500 donation to the student fund
-Happy hour reception at RJ Quill’s Gastropub

Day 6: Game Day Simulator
-The crowning day of fantasy camp, a simulated game day on campus
-Tailgate begins at 9 a.m. after brunch at Pi Beta Phi
-Case races between campers begin at 11 a.m.
-Prizes given out to participants who are not blackout drunk before noon
-Football scrimmage begins at 1 p.m. in reserved alumni section seats (networking strictly prohibited)
-After party at Haggard’s Sports Bar & BBQ
-House party at Theta Chi from 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. for anyone who is still standing by then

Day 7: Awards Day
-Throw yourself into a full-fledged panic attack as your friends and family view your “progress”
-Spanx provided for anyone who has gained more than five pounds
-Awards banquet at 3 p.m.; awards include: Drunkest Camper, Manwhore of the Week, Creep of the Week, Heavy Weight of the Week (most weight gained), Camper of the Week

This all-inclusive camp is nonrefundable. LSSU and its administrators are not liable for the actions of camp participants, and all damages inherited during LSSU Fantasy Camp 2015 will be the responsibility of the guilty party. While in attendance, all campers are granted immunity from misdemeanor crimes from campus police ONLY. If you have a run-in with the local cops, it’s just like college: You’re fucked..

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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