Putting the toilet seat cover on while talking on the phone was by far the most productive thing I’ve done this month. PGP.

Texting my mom at work to ask her the most professional way to quit. PGP.

People thinking you’re telling a joke when you tell them your salary. PGP.

Getting your biggest rush of the day from cutting people off at the exit ramp. PGP.

“I hear there are hot guys on the 9th floor.” PGP.

Someone asking “What did you get?” every single time you come back from lunch. PGP.

Office pregnancy announcement via mass email. PGP.

Paying your student loans on your lunch break. PGP.

I ate peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and dinner yesterday. I hate 31-day months. PGP.

Sneezed at the urinal, pissed on my tie. PGP.

Knowing a great sand guy. PGP.

Bank info was stolen, but none of the fraudulent charges went through because I don’t have enough money to afford the things they tried to buy. PGP.

Bit by bit, my boss is eating all the snacks I keep at my desk. PGP.

I can identify my coworkers by their bald spots. PGP.

“Student at Univ…” head-tilted profile pics on LinkedIn making me feel promiscuous. PGP.

How many girls have swiped left on my profile by mistake? PGP.

Emails prefaced with “Action Required.” PGP.

I could be on that super-drug from “Lucy” and still wouldn’t be able to get all this shit done. PGP.

Only thing worse than my golf swing is my entire body the next day. PGP.

My birthday treat was adding guac to my burrito that I’m eating alone at my desk. PGP.