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Think of a food you hold near and dear to your heart. The dish you crave on a primal level. Maybe it’s fried chicken. Perhaps it’s fettuccine alfredo. I don’t know what you guys like. Everyone’s got a go-to meal that always satiates them. And bacon, or rather, bacon culture, has ruined all of them.
I can remember a period of time – oh I don’t know before 2008 – where I would see bacon on two occasions, tops. It would show up at breakfast, of course, and then sometimes if I was in a particular mood and I was eating out I would order a cheeseburger with bacon on it. Now? Well now everywhere I go bacon is shoved in my face. Ads on the sides of buses for bacon. The Baconator at Wendy’s. Bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Bacon sweet treats. Bacon-infused vodka in your bloody mary with guess what? A side of fucking bacon. And then you have the assholes who walk around with these ironic t-shirts that say things like “Bacon Is Bae,” “Bacon Over Everything” or “Give Me Bacon Or Give Me Death” and you really get a sense for how awful the internet has become.
Was it the hipsters? Those people in Bushwick who tell themselves that being poor is cool? Was it Guy Fieri and the almighty Food Network? Is the government secretly pushing some bacon agenda on the American public? I need answers because bacon, at it’s best, is simply meh. I could do without it. Blame the Bacon Advocates for me hating bacon. If this little bacon revolution never happened, I’d be alright with this side dish. You don’t like bacon, John? No, I don’t like Bacon Culture. And it’s only getting worse. We are living in an age where people latch on to a particular food, oversaturate the market with it, and then make money off it. You see it with lots of foods. Mac and Cheese. Avocado on literally everything. I get invitations to street events called “Bacon Fest ‘16,” “Bacon Camp,” and “Mac and Cheese Street Fair” on Facebook. These types of people are making me hate foods that I never knew I could hate.
And let’s talk about the elephant in the room because I know everyone is waiting for me to address it. The BLT. This is one of the dumbest sandwiches in existence. You can’t make bacon the primary meat in a sandwich and call it a meal. That’s sacrilege. What, are you out of turkey? Make a goddamn club sandwich like an adult. Have a ham and swiss. Fuck, go crazy and make a capicola and prosciutto. The BLT is a sandwich that someone invented because those were the three ingredients left in their barren refrigerator.
When I look at bacon objectively it just isn’t a food that takes priority for me. Like if you told me to compile a list of ten food items, and those ten items were the only things I could eat for the rest of time, bacon might not crack top twenty. If someone makes me breakfast and there’s a plate of bacon coming off the stove, I might take one piece. It’s okay, but I’m not going to go out and buy a t-shirt proclaiming my love for bacon or start Instagramming pictures of some bacon wrapped dates that I just made. If I’m out at a restaurant and bacon comes as a side, I’ll give that shit to someone at my table. It’s just not a food I like all that much. Give me a side of hashbrowns or grits before a side of bacon. On a fundamental level, I don’t understand how bacon, which before about five years ago was used solely for breakfast purposes became this national phenomenon. “Bacon Mania” is an entry on Wikipedia. Am I the only one who thinks this is insane? It’s enough already. Take your bacon and get the fuck out of my face. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I will never not love bacon, but I agree with you that the ironic bacon (or any food) t-shirts have absolutely got to go. Seeing “bacon is bae” is in the same sphere as “pizza as bae” and I hate it.
You can always get a salad.
I was at Bacon Fest in Chicago last weekend and it was phenomenal. Fuck off with your bacon hate and leave more bacon for the rest of us.
I went to a Beer and Bacon fest last week, it was, in a word, incredible.
You seem like a guy who quotes Ron Swanson at the bar too much
Nah, I’ve never watched that show so I couldn’t quote it. I do agree with you that the people dressing up as slices of bacon should seek professional mental help.
What I do with my sex life is of no concern to you.
A piece of bacon could mug me in an NYC back alley and I’d still eat the shit out of bacon.
As revenge?
As gratitude.
Man, Johnny D bringing the heat today…I like it.
Went to Bacon and Beer two weeks ago, and it was glorious. There could never be too much bacon in my life.
Not gonna lie, this made me want a BLT with avocado added, and a side of mac
So you want 4 toppings between two pieces of bread, and a side of mac n cheese?
Sounds pretty damn good to me
Time and a place my man, time and a place. Told my friend I was tinkering with a chocolate soufleé cake recipe the other day and he told me I should put bacon bits in it. I almost had an anxiety attack.
You don’t fuck around with a soufleé.
I can’t say I agree with you, but at any rate, that’s high-quality vitriol
Similar to athletes, I think something can be good and overrated at the same time. Bacon is one of those things for me.