If you didn’t know by now, we’re pretty big fans of The Bachelor universe around here. I haven’t been yet *cough*, but I expect Grandex HQ has TVs set up constantly streaming various seasons of The Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Pure heat content streaming from ABC to generate ever purer heat from your pals over at Grandex. So yeah, we’re into that glorious train wreck of a TV franchise. There’s been extreme drama recently, with the crown of next Bachelor stripped away from fan favorite Luke Pell, and placed right on the head of Bachelor veteran and perennial runner-up Nick Viall, who we recently learned dumped his Paradise girlfriend, Jen (forest fire hot, btw) once he saw the chance to have 25 girlfriends instead of 1…a move most mortal men would make.
But is Nick Viall really mortal? According to a recent Q&A with Good Morning America it would seem as if Nick is actually a cyborg.
What song do you sing in the shower?
“None. I don’t think I’ve ever done that.”
You know what kind of person doesn’t sing in the shower? The ones that don’t have a heartbeat. What are you supposed to do in the shower if you don’t sing? Quietly wash yourself, alone with your thoughts? Fuckkkkk that. If you’re showering, you’re singing, end of story.
Do you have a secret talent?
“I don’t drink a lot of beer, but I can slam a beer really fast.”
If he means chug, big deal. We all see the Instagram videos of frat dudes chugging like four Twisted Teas simultaneously under three seconds. That’s some Usain Bolt type speed. No way Nick can “slam” a beer as fast as he thinks he does. Also, who calls chugging a beer “slamming?” Is he that out of touch with society? It’s also really pathetic that his knee-jerk reaction to a secret talent is chugging a beer. Hundo says he panicked, thought “oh shit I’m an alien with no talents so what’re the kids doing on Insta these days and oh shit I can slam a beer really fast.”
What’s your drink of choice?
“Whiskey on the rocks.”
Nick thinks he’s making a manly maneuver here by getting whiskey on the rocks. Simple drink for a simple man. But you know what puts asses in the seats? Shocking the world 1980 USA hockey style by just blurting out Miami Vice, Electric Lemonade, something that makes everyone go “you know what? I love that too, you’re on my team now, Nick.” Nicky, you don’t necessarily have everyone on your side right now, and the only way you’re going to do it is pander to your crowd. We don’t want to hear about your love of whiskey on the rocks (snooze), we want to hear about how much you love Pina Coladas and Sex on the Beach. *Wink*
What food staple is always in your fridge?
Look, I like hot sauce as much as the next guy, but your go-to hot sauce being Cholula? Fucking Cholula? Grow up Peter Pan Count Chocula. Be a man, throw some Frank’s on your eggs. There are exactly zero humans that have Cholula as their go-to hot sauce. Nick is The Terminator and at this point you can’t convince me otherwise.
What TV show is waiting for you on your DVR at home?
“I just watched ‘Stranger Things’ so my queue is empty. That was great.”
Yup. It’s decided. Nick is not human. Respect Stranger Things, nothing wrong there. But saying his queue is empty? That’s like saying there’s no more air to breath, no more water to drink, no more trees to cut down and turn into paper. THERE’S ALWAYS MORE IN YOUR QUEUE, NICK! We live in a time where there’s just so much content. Too much content. You’ll never be able to consume it all. But having nothing lined up? Hey Nicky you’re telling me you’ve been through all of The Wire? How about The Sopranos? Maybe some deep cuts like Freaks and Geeks? There’s no way you’ve watched it all (unless you’re literally a machine) or you have no interest in consuming content, in which case you’re also not human.
If you weren’t the “Bachelor,” who would you want to be the “Bachelor”?
“That’s a tough question. Wells [Adams] would be great.”
Okay, I take it all back. Nick, you have a heart. A big one. You know what the people want. Actually, you know what? Resign your crown as Bachelor and give it to Wells..
[via Good Morning America]
Image via YouTube / GMA