We Already Know Who Is Going To ‘Paradise’

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We are only a few weeks in to this season of The Bachelorette, but you can already look forward to the next thing on the franchise’s horizon – this summer’s edition of Bachelor in Paradise. And lucky for us, the cast list for the debauchery had already dropped.

Here are some of the peeps that are going to be headed to Paradise (wherever that is, exactly):

From Nick’s Season of The Bachelor:
Raven Gates
Corinne Olympios
Alexis Waters
Lacey Mark
Kristina Schulman
Danielle Maltby
Taylor Nolan
Jasmine Goode

Seriously, are there are no women from other seasons that ABC could have hunted down for a free trip to a tropical island and a complimentary STD check? Lacey, Danielle M, and Jasmine are so unmemorable that I wouldn’t have recognized them if ABC hadn’t written next to their names that they were on Nick’s season. As for the rest…well, I’m hoping that Raven finds someone to give her an orgasm and Corinne and Taylor debate emotional intelligence endlessly all over again while eating cheesy pasta. But the real deal breaker: if Alexis doesn’t show up in a dolphin/shark costume, I’m not watching the rest of the season.

From JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette:
Derek Peth
Nick “St. Nick” Benvenutti
Robby Hayes
Alex Woytkiw
Vinny Ventiera

Isn’t it funny how long ago JoJo’s season seems like it was? (Sidenote: are JoJo and Jordan still together? Does anyone know? Does anyone care?) In fact, it was so long ago that I can’t even remember who Derek and Nick are and I really don’t care. As for Robby, Alex, and Vinny, I remember them as Big Shiny Forehead, The Short Guy That Sent Home Chad, and the Barber, respectively. Speaking of Chad…is anyone else shipping him and Corinne? It would be like the Boris and Natasha of The Bachelor franchise, and I for one need it to happen.

The Best Of The Rest:
Ben Zorn (Kaitlyn’s season)
Amanda Stanton (Ben’s season)
DeMario Jackson (Current season)

Ben, I don’t know you and I don’t care to. As for Amanda…every time she shows up on one of these shows, my immediate thought is “Don’t you have kids? Shouldn’t you be home with them?” But then again, who am I to judge someone looking for fame love?

Which leaves us with DeMario. I haven’t watched Monday’s Bachelorette yet, but I’ll assume his appearance on this list means that Rachel didn’t accept whatever lame-ass apology he showed up at the mansion with. Good for her, and good for us. Now we just have to hope that ABC flies in the adult version of the Cash Me Outside girl to add to the drama again.

As always, this cast is looks like it’s going to be a very attractive dumpster fire, particularly with Corinne to throw gas on the flames with her platinum vagine (there’s a visual…). But the most important question I have about this season: is Raquel going to be in paradise?

[Via ABC]

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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