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Given the increasing number of games being played by the NFL in London over the last few years, it’s becoming apparent that the league has aspirations of placing a team in the UK. That seems silly on its face, but we already have NBA and NHL teams in Canada, so it’s not like we’re unfamiliar with taking our sports international. But if this is going to become a reality, we as the American people have a few requests to the people of London for how this should come about, and I’ve of course nominated myself as the spokesman.
- You aren’t allowed to use your own terminology for things. The QB is not a “tosser,” a touchdown isn’t a “try,” and a first down is not a “ninny-nanny.”
- You have to be named the Redcoats, and play an annual game against the Patriots on December 16, the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party.
- American commentators only for your local broadcasts. If we have to listen to Brits call golf and soccer, you better believe we’re sticking you with some red-blooded meathead from the South.
- You must provide dental coverage for all team employees.
- The kicker has to be a Premier League player, and at least one member of your starting team has to be a rugby player. We wanna see how they stack up.
- We want an official apology for burning the White House in 1812.
- Watch Rudy, Remember the Titans, Any Given Sunday, Varsity Blues, The Replacements, The Waterboy, Brian’s Song, Friday Night Lights, and Little Giants in the offseason. We’ll send you the DVDs.
- Don’t compare football to soccer. You can still call it American football, we get that you’re pretty dead set on what you consider “football” to be. But complaining about how slow the game is, and how little action there is on the field is an insult to the nuances of the sport. Even when the ball isn’t snapped, things are happening. Quarterbacks are checking in and out of plays, defenses are trying to adjust, pre-snap. It’s subtle, but really cool once you get the hang of it.
- All teams visiting London get a bye the week after. We’re not trying to compromise our competitiveness because of jetlag.
- Watered down American beer will be served at the games, and it will cost an absurd amount of money per cup. If we have to deal with that, so do you.
- Be prepared for several seasons of disappointing results. Liverpool fans should be used to this.
- All home games must be night games. I’m not trying to wake up at six in the morning on a Sunday to get football viewing underway.
- Fish and chips are fine and delicious, but get yourself some damn nachos.
- Broadcast “First Take” on the BBC so you can come to hate Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith as much as the rest of us.
- Start creating football programs at your high schools. Or secondary schools, or whatever you call them. If you’re gonna have a team, you should start grooming some players to actually contribute to the sport in the future.
- Take the Jaguars. We don’t need three teams in Florida.
Respond
London Redcoats vs New England Patriots sounds like a dream matchup
I hate the Patriots, but I lost it when I read that one. Sheer brilliance.
It might be a little awkward when the majority of America is cheering for the foreign team though.
Great article, even better picture. May we never forget Benjamin Martin.
I want a team in Mexico City with Brett Favre at QB playing the role of football’s Kenny Powers.
As an NFL supporter in the UK:
1. Yes a QB will be called a QB; although some do come across in interviews as a bit of a ‘tosser’ 😉
2. Sounds good to me; although Redcoats is a little old fashioned and the Royal Marines & Special Forces are now more commonly referred to as ‘Ard Basterds …
3. We already have American commentators for the games; it’s only the pre/post guys who are British.
4. Fair enough. Covered for free by the NHS.
5. Would prefer a kicker from Rugby League/Union as at least their goals are a similar shape. As for how the Rugby players would stack up …. http://youtu.be/F1A06stpydY
6. Aww, but the White House looks so much prettier now ;-). To be honest, most Brits wouldn’t even know that happened.
7. What all of them? Can’t we just watch the good ones?
8. “we get that you’re pretty dead set on what you consider “football””; Yeah … as is the rest of the world 😀
9. Fair enough. They do at the moment anyway.
10. Have to decline on that one. Hobgoblin, Brewdog Punk IPA or Guinness; although to keep it American Flying Dog, Odell or Sierra Nevada would be acceptable.
11. & 16. losing season and Jags go hand in hand, but a team is better than no team.
12. Most of the games in the UK kick off at 1800 GMT (so 1300-1400 EST) how’s that for a compromise. 🙂
13. Wembley sells Nachos!!
14. Now that is just plain evil!!!
15. Jack Crawford (Current Cowboys, Raider 2012-13), Menelik Watson (Raiders 2013 – Present), Osi Umenyiora (Falcons 2013 – Present, Giants 2003-2012), Shaun Smith (Panthers 2008 – Present). That’s just the current ones, but there have been Brits playing in the NFL since the 70’s.
16. See 11.
Have to say I disagree with the night games only thing. The Lions-Falcons game running from 8:30 CST to around noon was WAY better than watching NFL pre-game.
For the record, the US was the international expansion of the NHL. That started here, in good old Canada, Montreal to be exact on November 26, 1917.
Who do you know here?
They can only have the Jags if another team puts pools with clear walls in their stadium.
10. At least let them sell beer in liters. Farva’s not coming for unless he gets a liter cold beer.
This is kind of messed up but I don’t want a team in London because I’m legitimately afraid a team plane would go down for a transatlantic flight. Especially because it would probably end up being the Browns
Next time you consider saying something, don’t
Why would one of the 32 transatlantic flights to and from London with NFL players on it be more likely or more tragic than one of the 100s of flights that currently make the trip daily?
You do realize it’s more likely the team bus catches on fire on the way to the airport than that happening, right?
Statistically they say you’re more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck – that’s the worst. I have this cousin, well y’know, I had this cousin…
Take it easy there, Rain Man.
I think he’s saying that a freak accident will happen, and it will happen to the Browns, because God hates Cleveland.
But then we wouldn’t have the Browns…so it wouldn’t be a TOTAL loss
It’d be the one game LeBron decided to travel with them too.