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Saturday afternoon, I had the pleasure of attending the baby shower of a former co-worker. I use the word “pleasure” somewhat loosely because I think the only people who actually enjoy baby showers besides the mom-to-be are the moms and grandmas of said pregnant person. Although it is nice to be invited (and yes, I know the girl was happy I attended), there are still lots of inappropriate thoughts that come to mind when you sit through one of these celebrations.
Cool, we’re running late. Knew I should not have carpooled with Sarah.
Don’t mind us casually sneaking in the back.
Guest sign in on a big wooden letter. Just like the last baby shower I went to. Thank you, Pinterest.
Is this R for the baby’s first name? It’d be weird if it was the last name, but are they really having the initials for this kid be the same letter?
Ugh, take a clothes pin and don’t say the word “baby!” Worst shower game ever.
Okay, and it looks like I don’t know anyone else here besides the mom. Back to being happy Sarah actually decided to attend.
Man, she looks great pregnant. I’d wear that dress now!
I really hope I look that good when I’m knocked up someday.
And by that I mean some distant, distant day from now.
Hence why you bought condoms right before attending this party. Ironic, but necessary.
But, like, can I lose a bunch of weight first? That’d be ideal.
So weird that I used to sneak this girl into the bars and now she’s married and having a baby.
Of course, she married her high school sweetheart. Gross.
How does anyone like anyone for that length of time? I don’t get it.
Aren’t you at all curious about what else is out there?
And to only have slept with him?! Even more confusing.
Omg, that pile of presents is huge.
Like impressively large, so good for her, but why is watching people open gifts a part of these things anyway?
I don’t want to sit through and listen to all the “awws” over every onesie and bottle that is unwrapped.
This punch is pretty tasty. It could be better with a little addition, though.
Well bitch, my purse flask is empty.
Way to not check that before you left the house. Idiot.
That time we snuck in a whole bottle of vodka to one of these was pretty great.
Why are dry baby showers a thing? Alcohol makes everything better.
I need to celebrate the fact I am not the pregnant one!
And alcohol can also comfort those who want to drink away the voices of their mother’s asking why they haven’t provided grandkids yet. We all win.
Here I am thinking about drinking and this girl is 3 years younger than me and all ready to be responsible for a child.
Where does one get the “I want to ditch all my selfish feelings and take care of a tiny human” gene? I think I missed the day those were passed out.
At least for now. Give me a few years.
Idk I’m really selfish…
Let’s see how a puppy goes first.
Wait, SHOULD I GET A PUPPY?!
But seriously, how are we still opening presents?
I need another cookie. Or five.
And perfect, the plan to get a beer after this is in motion.
We should probably get a picture with the cute little almost-mom before we leave.
Hugs all around! Yes, so happy to be here! I can’t believe how big you are!
No, we have to get going. Maybe lunch next weekend? Love you!
Now guess who’s going to get drunk tonight and have completely protected sex? .
Image via Shutterstock