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Saturday afternoon, I had the pleasure of attending the baby shower of a former co-worker. I use the word “pleasure” somewhat loosely because I think the only people who actually enjoy baby showers besides the mom-to-be are the moms and grandmas of said pregnant person. Although it is nice to be invited (and yes, I know the girl was happy I attended), there are still lots of inappropriate thoughts that come to mind when you sit through one of these celebrations.
Cool, we’re running late. Knew I should not have carpooled with Sarah.
Don’t mind us casually sneaking in the back.
Guest sign in on a big wooden letter. Just like the last baby shower I went to. Thank you, Pinterest.
Is this R for the baby’s first name? It’d be weird if it was the last name, but are they really having the initials for this kid be the same letter?
Ugh, take a clothes pin and don’t say the word “baby!” Worst shower game ever.
Okay, and it looks like I don’t know anyone else here besides the mom. Back to being happy Sarah actually decided to attend.
Man, she looks great pregnant. I’d wear that dress now!
I really hope I look that good when I’m knocked up someday.
And by that I mean some distant, distant day from now.
Hence why you bought condoms right before attending this party. Ironic, but necessary.
But, like, can I lose a bunch of weight first? That’d be ideal.
So weird that I used to sneak this girl into the bars and now she’s married and having a baby.
Of course, she married her high school sweetheart. Gross.
How does anyone like anyone for that length of time? I don’t get it.
Aren’t you at all curious about what else is out there?
And to only have slept with him?! Even more confusing.
Omg, that pile of presents is huge.
Like impressively large, so good for her, but why is watching people open gifts a part of these things anyway?
I don’t want to sit through and listen to all the “awws” over every onesie and bottle that is unwrapped.
This punch is pretty tasty. It could be better with a little addition, though.
Well bitch, my purse flask is empty.
Way to not check that before you left the house. Idiot.
That time we snuck in a whole bottle of vodka to one of these was pretty great.
Why are dry baby showers a thing? Alcohol makes everything better.
I need to celebrate the fact I am not the pregnant one!
And alcohol can also comfort those who want to drink away the voices of their mother’s asking why they haven’t provided grandkids yet. We all win.
Here I am thinking about drinking and this girl is 3 years younger than me and all ready to be responsible for a child.
Where does one get the “I want to ditch all my selfish feelings and take care of a tiny human” gene? I think I missed the day those were passed out.
At least for now. Give me a few years.
Idk I’m really selfish…
Let’s see how a puppy goes first.
Wait, SHOULD I GET A PUPPY?!
But seriously, how are we still opening presents?
I need another cookie. Or five.
And perfect, the plan to get a beer after this is in motion.
We should probably get a picture with the cute little almost-mom before we leave.
Hugs all around! Yes, so happy to be here! I can’t believe how big you are!
No, we have to get going. Maybe lunch next weekend? Love you!
Now guess who’s going to get drunk tonight and have completely protected sex? .
Image via Shutterstock
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Whatever Lola Wants
Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.
@LauraMeinert
The best part about not getting laid is not having to worry about being a dad and having to host one of these.
being a lesbian is also a pretty effective version of birth control
Was really hoping to shoot you a “sup.”
I’m very thankful it isn’t a requirement for men to go to these things. I went one time as an adult and I literally didn’t move from the tv and watched football. Also, I brought a six pack and hung out with the three other guys who had no excuse to not attend.
Went to one with my girlfriend in college. Didn’t realize it was a baby shower until I got there and someone asked why I didn’t bring a gift.
That sounds like Hell, and I’ve been there so I can say that.
I just want to take this moment to thank my friends for not getting married and choosing to just live in sin. Also choosing to have a dog(s) instead of children. I have yet to go one of these as an adult and I consider myself extremely lucky.
FRIENDS LIVING IN SIN?!?!!
Is there any reason other than Instagram that people do these things? It’s pretty clear that no one actually wants to be there.
Gifts. There is no other logical reason.
Yeah but if you factor in the cost to set one up and get all the cutesy Pinterest bullshit, you probably break even what you spend on that vs. what you get as presents.
You do realize baby showers have been around well before social media right?
Of course I do. But as a result of social media, I feel like they’ve gone from being events for the mother-to-be to receive actual necessary items to lessen the burden of having a newborn child to glitzy and over the top events made mostly for Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.
Most mothers have them thrown by someone else so they don’t spend a dime.
I think you underestimate how much baby shit costs. Unless you have cheap friends that just get a basic onesie and call it a day
My wife is having a couples baby shower in two weeks and I’m stocking up on multiple cases of champagne for the men. We will be drinking mimosas while they open presents I have to put together later.
I may get downvoted to the third gate of hell for this, but why not just buy a few cases of Bud heavy and save the coin. I don’t know too many “men” who would choose champs over an ice cold red label, but maybe that’s a geographical or generational thing.
Thoughts I have about baby showers:
“Thank God my friends’ wives aren’t crazy enough to make men go to these.”
“I should have had a puppy shower and just gotten blitzed with my friends and gotten dog treats for dayz”
Puppy showers… Now that’s an idea I can get behind!
A family friend had alcohol at her baby shower because (in her words) “why should no one else drink just because I cant?” Hands down the most tolerable baby shower I’ve ever been to.
Dry baby showers are the worst. I feel like the mimosa was invented for baby showers.
Would you be pissed if they only served Diet Coke?
Well, I gave Diet Coke up for lent so till Easter mimosas only for me.
Anything dry is the worst.
Only part I like about baby showers is all the cupcakes, brownies and candies. Otherwise, hard pass.
Ugh