All My Friends Have Seen Your Penis

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Ah, the dick pic. That controversial form of male self-expression made readily available by the wonder of technology. Whether he’s your coworker, your favorite bartender, or that guy you drunkenly went home with last weekend, chances are that most of the men in your life have sent out a photograph of their johnson to at least one unsuspecting subject.

Ladies, we’ve all been there. Your phone vibrates and you casually open up a text or a Snapchat expecting a complaint from your roommate or an unflattering double chin shot of your work BFF, and BAM! There it is: the One-Eyed Snake. Krull the Warrior King. The Love Muscle. You, my friend, just received a dick pic. Your first reaction is a combination of shock, disbelief, and stifled laughter. Then you grab the closest female to your vicinity and show her the image you just received. You follow this by forwarding it to your five closest friends, and if you’re anything like I am, you share it with people who don’t even want to see the pornographic likeness that fills your smartphone screen. Consider your happy hour conversation topic locked in.

Yes, gentlemen, you heard me correctly. Nearly every picture of your genitalia that you have ever sent out has been shown to multiple parties. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “My girl wouldn’t do that!” or “I get notifications of Snapchat screenshots and replays!” True, there are exceptions to the rule. However, you best believe if I can get close enough to someone within the allotted seconds, it will be seen. Why, you may ask? It is not because we, as females, are so fascinated with the majesty of your skin flute. They really aren’t as sexy and attractive as you think. We don’t want to show off the hunk of man meat we are currently involved with, either. Wrong again. Women share the pictures of your manhood because they are an unexpected form of entertainment in what can often be an ordinary, mundane day.

Now, before you think that I’m leading the movement against the dick pic, hear me out. This is merely a PSA to inform you before you aim that camera lens toward your crotch and press send. Think about whether or not this is the image you want your girlfriend and her coworkers to see and discuss all day. Do you want your casual fling sending it to her bestie, who also happens to be dating the guy who hosts your monthly poker game? Perhaps not. But if you’re proud of your pants monster and you don’t care who knows it, then send that gem out into the world!

I know you have good intentions when you decide to exhibit yourself in this way, I really do. You think it will arouse me while I’m at work, entice me to come over for a 2 a.m. booty call, or simply reassure me that I have a boyfriend with a bulge to be proud of. Unfortunately, they accomplish none of these things. They are generally unsolicited and throw us off more than turn us on. Whether you are standing, sitting, or rocking Captain Morgan off the edge of your toilet, I will never think, “Wow, that is one great penis! I definitely want to head to Poundtown with that fine specimen!” Same goes for videos of you doing other things with your member rather than just posing with it. Ew. That’s equally as entertaining to share, but it’s still not doing it for me.

The other day I received two dick pics in one day, one in the morning and one a few hours later. I asked for neither, yet they brightened my day in a way that I doubt either of the sending parties intended. They also gave my friends a nice Friday afternoon distraction. So fear not, men of the world! Your fascination with photographing your nether-regions has a place in a woman’s life. That place just so happens to bring a smile to her face and a laugh to her lips — as well as to the numerous other ladies she encounters throughout the day.

Image via YouTube

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Whatever Lola Wants

Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.

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