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Four years ago, Aly Raisman was America’s Sweetheart. She captained the US Women’s Gymnastics team in London, won gold medals, and her parents set the internet ablaze with their great reactions to her routines. When she came back home, she went on Dancing With The Stars, did ESPN’s Body Issue, signed mega endorsements, and just generally crushed it at life.
What we didn’t see – except for a little flirting from Tyler Seguin (nobody is safe from that guy, though) – were public date requests. But now Aly is 22, and after she once again dominated at the summer Olympics, we’re already seeing guys lining up single file on the balance beam to score a date with Aly.
Enter Colton Underwood. No, that’s not the name of some character on a crappy teen CW show. That’s 24-year old Oakland Raiders practice squad tight end Colton Underwood. Colton recently asked Aly out on a date in San Jose when the US gymnastics team rolls through town on their upcoming US tour. Aly, while being interviewed by Yahoo! Sports said that she would go out with him.
Colton is boys with Andrew East, the long snapper for the Raiders, and husband to Shawn Johnson whom he met at Vandy. The same Shawn Johnson who’s a 4-time Olympic medalist (one gold, three silver). So that was Colton’s in. And I’m happy he got a (tentative) yes for his date. He’s a good looking cat, don’t get me wrong. And he’s got some perseverance to him. Undrafted out of FCS school Illinois State, we worked his way into the NFL by switching positions and being a great practice squad player for the Raiders.
I hope their date goes well. I just think they’re polar opposites and the relationship is bound to crash land off the vault like that dude from France who shattered fifty bones in his leg. Colton’s a Midwestern boy from Indiana. Yes, he’s country strong and probably knows how to do manly things like change the oil in an F150. But he for sure has no idea when it comes to dating a girl from the East coast ‘burbs.
I’m not trying to cast aspersions on this poor practice squad Raider – a handsome one that could probably throw me higher in the air than Aly can jump – but I’m just saying the dude probably doesn’t know handspring from round-off when it comes to dating a basic chick. Colton probably has never even had sushi, and we all know sushi is Aly’s favorite. Colton probably doesn’t know Hunter from Ugg. North Face from Canadian Goose. Plus, Colton, are you even Jewish bro?
The point is, they’ll have some fun when Aly rolls through Oakland, but don’t count on it lasting. Who would it last with? Well, good question.
If you watch the Yahoo! Sports clip you’ll notice that a certain person (me) passes all of Raisman’s criteria with flying colors. Let’s dig in.
Does your dream guy need to love gymnastics?
Aly’s answer: Respects her for how hard she works, but would rather have someone who doesn’t really care about it. Guy needs to be able to date someone successful, but that’s not why they’re dating you.
Improper Brostonian’s answer: Look, it’s not called gym-nice-stics. Do I care about gymnastics? No. I watch the routines once every four years as my patriotic duty. What I do like is how Aly is a closer. Like peak Mariano Rivera out there. Clutch like David Ortiz. I respect the hell out of how she wins, not that she simply does win. And yeah, I’ve dated successful girls before. Makes no difference to me. They all put their GK Elite leotards on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
Does he need to be a performer (like Zac Efron)?
Aly’s answer: Efron is for Simone Biles.
Improper Brostonian’s answer: I can’t compete with Efron. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles. Glad he’s off the table. But am I a performer? My routines have been praised for all the effort I put in, not for all the jumps I land. I will say this – I’ll never stop trying to make a girl laugh. Does that count as a performance?
Should your boyfriend be an athlete?
Aly’s answer: Has a lot in common with athletes, but wants a guy that likes to work out, because she wants a swolemate.
Improper Brostonian’s answer: I’m not anywhere close to a professional athlete. However, I am THE most feared hitter in my softball league, hitting cleanup for the Temple Beth Shalom Bashers. I think I hit like .700 this season. And I’m no pushover in the gym. I’m built like a D-III fullback; I’ve got some thickness. So Aly, yeah we’ll hit up the gym. I’ll spot you. Just don’t make me run cardio. Not my thing.
Does he need to live close to Massachusetts?
Aly’s answer: If you ask her parents, it’s “yes.” She doesn’t seem too enthused about a long distance thing, and praises the convenience of close proximity.
Improper Brostonian’s answer: Aly, we’re from the same hometown. #GoRockets. We walked the same halls in high school. So, if you need a guy from Mass, I’m from Mass. Oh, and would your parents also like him to be Jewish? Hundo P. Am I Jewish? Hundo P.
Yahoo didn’t ask her about intangibles, but I’ve got so many intangibles I’m like a practice squad tight end. For the Raiders. According to Will DeFrie’s breakdown of Aly’s basic-ness Aly loves sushi. I love sushi. And brunch. I love brunch. Aly’s gotta love brunch, right?
She loves the beach. The only thing that gets me off the beach during the summer is golf, and even when I hit the links I spend more time in the sand than David Hasslehoff.
Aly is a professional car and shower singer. I’ve won Grammy awards in my Camry singing Pearl Jam.
So Colton, good luck. May the best man/blogger win. Aly, let’s meet at Café Fresh; we’ll drink hazelnut iced coffees and eat bagels worthy of a gold medal..
[via Bleacher Report]
Image via Youtube