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As the weather gets colder, and the scarves come out, and happy people begin to snuggle by the fire, and send their Amazon Wishlists to their significant others, it’s tempting to go all in on your apps, developing an acute case of carpal tunnel, in a desperate attempt not to feel so alone during cuffing season.
Well, I’m here to deliver some good news. You can just take it easy and stop trying for a few months. Because there is absolutely no chance you date successfully between November 1st and January 2. You didn’t have to be “couples costume” status before Halloween to make it out of this dead zone alive. You just had to have met. You just had to have gone on one date. And you might be able to pull through and make it. But if you went into Halloween as alone as the day you were born, you can just wrap it up, and go home, because 2016 will not be the year you find love. Trust.
Despite what you think, the issue has absolutely nothing to do with dudes not wanting to buy you presents or take you home to the fam. That’s some psycho shit. No reasonable girl would expect something that serious from a guy she just met, and no reasonable guy would think a girl is expecting that. If you got together just after November 1, theoretically, you’d do the same thing over the holiday as the people who met before November 1. You’d text each other twice while you were home for the holidays, and blatantly ignore the topic of gifts until after New Year’s Eve like goddamn adults. For New Year’s Eve, you’d check what the squads were doing and both ultimately decide you’d rather be with your own friends than with each other’s, because you’re not official, and then sometime around Valentine’s Day, you’d realize neither of you are really seeing anyone else, so you might as well just acknowledge that you’re sort of a couple.
It wouldn’t be that complicated.
The problem, however, is that if you go on a first date during this time, you’re absolutely never going to go on a second one. It’s just like trying to start a diet. You’re just going to have too much other shit going on to make it work. You’re bound to have your weekends fill up pretty quickly with Christmas parties, and visiting your family. You’re not going to have time to date, which generally sounds like bullshit, but in this case, it’s true.
You see, if you don’t go on a second date within ten days of your first date, you will never see that person again, no matter how great the first date went. In most situations, I’d really only give it a week, unless you really like each other, which you probably don’t, because you’ve only met once. I have fallen victim to this exactly two times, and my roommate once. It’s always the same.
You go on a DYNAMITE first date. Way to go. You wore that dress that shows off your boobs, but makes it look like an accident, just like Cosmo told you to do when you were 15 — not today, because feminism. You had three drinks and flirted with a fourth, but you didn’t get too drunk. Conversation flowed, laughs were laughed, and you left with a kiss that left you wanting more.
You texted him to let him know you “got home safe,” which is really just code for “hey, I’m giving you the preemptive go-ahead to ask me out again,” and you came into work the next day, printed out your save-the-dates and spilled all the deets to the married people living vicariously through you.
Two days later, he had a business trip, which is why you’d decided to go out when you did anyway, because you simply couldn’t WAIT to meet each other until after. He kept in contact with you throughout it. He texted you a few times to ask about your day. He sent a picture of a family on segways because you JUST talked about how much you both hate segways as if you were the only two people to share that opinion. You asked if Susan’s giving him a hard time while he’s away and you waited anxiously for his return.
He comes back, ready for date number two, but — OH NO! — you have a bachelorette party this weekend. He texts you once while you’re out, busy, taking shots out of a penis-shaped syringe, and you forget to respond until Tuesday at which time you engage in some idle chit chat until you both realize that you don’t care any more at all. Was the date even that great? You can barely remember. He’s practically a stranger to you now. The excitement from a great first date simply can not last for more than ten days without being reignited by seeing each other again. So your conversation fizzles out, and date number two never comes.
Unless neither of you have ANYTHING else going on in your lives besides dating, there’s pretty much no chance things are going to work out right now. I mean, you can try. But the odds are against you. If you don’t have someone in mind right now chances are you’re going to your Christmas party stag this year, and your best bet at a New Year’s kiss is some drunk random at the bar.
With that said, I do have a date tonight, and I’m absolutely going to let the holidays serve as the reason we don’t get married..
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