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Alright, folks. Sorry for the false alarm last week on Twitter – someone got a little star-spangled hammered and forgot there wasn’t a new Bachelorette on Independence Day, although if you ask me, that’s almost downright un-American. Between the NBA and national holidays, it seems like this season has taken more breaks than a chain smoker doing government work, so let me refresh your memory. During the last Rose Ceremony, Jordan, Luke, Robby, and Chase had all received roses, forcing JoJo to choose between Alex and James Taylor for the final rose. Instead of making what must have been a real Sophie’s choice, JoJo took the easy road and gave both Alex and JT
participation ribbons roses.
This week brings us three one-on-one dates and one three-on-one group date. I’m not sure if it was just my residency-induced sleep deprivation, but I thought it was kind of a snoozefest. Regardless, let’s break it down.
One-on-One Date with Alex
After spending the last week in Buenos Aires, the crew heads off to – wait, just kidding. They’re staying in Argentina. If only the producers didn’t have to pay for that extra rose or if JoJo had sent both Alex and James Taylor home maybe there would have been enough pesos left in the ABC travel budget for everyone to hit another South American destination. I hear Colombia is lovely this time of year, although after The Chad’s untimely departure, he headed straight there and did all of their cocaine and prostitutes, so ABC may have wanted to avoid the carnage from that particular bender.
Chris Harrison stops by for his contractually mandated interaction with the dudes and informs them that the rules for this week have changed a bit – there are no roses up for grabs on the three one-on-one dates this week; the only rose that will be given out prior to the Rose Ceremony will be on the three-on-one group date. This week’s first date card reads “I’ve gaucho on my mind” and goes to Alex.
Alex and JoJo depart on their date in a chauffeured car, while the other five dudes pack into a circus contraption of a bus to be carted off to their next Argentinian Airbnb. While the rest of the dudes are bummed about their sausage fest road trip, Alex is ecstatic that he finally gets his first one-on-one date with JoJo; the only downside is that he didn’t get to drive the car, then again it’s his own fault for leaving his booster seat at home.
The next few minutes are excruciatingly awkward. Alex tells the camera that he needs JoJo to “show me that she wants me.” Alright dude – let’s put this into perspective – you were clearly on the chopping block last week, but instead of having a nice flight attendant ask you if you’re flying all by yourself like a big boy before she (or he – this is an equal opportunity fantasy scenario) pins some pilot wings on your tiny shirt as you board a plane back to America, you’re sitting in the back of a limo with JoJo. She could have easily brought Jordan on this date, told the driver to roll up the partition please, and fast-forwarded to Fantasy Suite, but she decided to bring your Napoleon ass along for the ride.
Alex decided to capitalize on this opportunity and makes the first move; it’s a strong play with a romantic game of thumb war. You can’t make this shit up; it’s like watching an eleven-year-old dude hit on his hot babysitter. Alex follows this up with a move that always gets bitches wet – duckbills with Pringles chips. As he pounds through the tube (of Pringles, definitely no other pounding going on here), I secretly hope that Argentina still sells those fat-free Pringles that give you explosive diarrhea. Things are already going poorly, might as well send this date to hell in a hand basket. Even JoJo agrees, telling the camera, “I’m having a tough time connecting with Alex romantically.” I wonder why.
ABC gives a break from this nightmare – we’re transported back to the other dudes on their road trip. To break up the monotony of their drive, they start freestyle rapping. Usually musical attempts on this show are a disaster, but the point of this one was to make fun of Alex, and they kill it. It’s basically just them ragging on him for being short, but it’s hilarious and I hope they release it on iTunes. Seriously. Take my money.
As the cameras return to Alex and JoJo’s date, they’re arriving at their destination, which is simply a ranch, or as they say in Argentina, la estancia. Apparently The Bachelorette is taking cues from Dora the Explorer now. They are met by two gauchos, Carlos and Oscar, who explain the gaucho lifestyle to Alex and JoJo. The energy here is kind of weird, and I start to wonder if this date is interrupting some Brokeback Mountain-ing.
Since you can’t have a gaucho date without stupid fucking outfits, Alex and JoJo change into what is almost certainly culturally offensive garb. Alex tells JoJo that she looks like she just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren catalog. JoJo tells Alex that Peter Dinklage called and thinks his attempt at a Tyrion Lannister costume is pathetic. Alex’s ensemble is completed by some sort of neckerchief held in place by what appears to be a Thanksgiving napkin holder; on one hand he looks like even more of a twat than usual, but on the other hand, his new accessories will make his 3:30 p.m. strangle-bating session a cinch. Literally.
The gauchos lead Alex and JoJo to some horses. As JoJo struggles to climb atop her steed, Alex offers her two helping hands right on her ass. Again, he is just killing it in both the romance and subtly departments; he’s your classic double threat. Once Alex finds a stepladder and mounts his horse, they set off on a leisurely saunter through the Argentinian…outback? Bush? I don’t know what the countryside in this region is called. Alex and JoJo hold hands and it’s stupid. You’re on a horse. Hold on to the horse. They are giant death machines that have brains and can think for themselves. Alex tells JoJo “Wow, it’s nice no one is interrupting us.” It’s weird, because I was thinking, “Wow, I wish anything would interrupt this.”
My prayers are answered, and the gauchos stop Alex and JoJo. They explain more about the gaucho lifestyle; I would tell what they said but I stopped listening because I was bored. However, my interest was piqued when one of the gauchos started doing some weird hypnotic, acrobatic shit to his horse. After climbing on top of the horse, the gaucho gets him to lie down and roll on his back. The gaucho sits on the horse’s exposed stomach, and the horse puts his extended front legs onto the gaucho’s shoulders, and I’m pretty sure the gaucho kissed the horse. It’s weird and sexual and I am very concerned that we are on the verge of having another Mr. Hands situation. If you aren’t familiar with that reference, do not under any circumstances Google it. Trust me on that.
Once the gaucho is finished with his
foreplay horse whispering, the horse just lies calmly on the ground. There have got to be some tranquilizers involved in this wizardry. Alex and JoJo cuddle atop the horse and the horse stares into the camera, its eyes screaming for help. The couple starts to make out on top of the horse’s body, and as the camera pans back down to the horse’s face, its eyes are no longer screaming, they’re just glassy and cold. Spoiler alert – the horse is dead. Its will to live was extinguished by the shittiness of this date.
For dinner, Alex and JoJo go to a shack with a panhandler outside playing guitar. They babble on about bullshit for a while. Alex is feeling pretty confident and tells the camera, “I know there isn’t a rose on this date, but if there was, I’d get it.” Is Alex on a different date than the rest of us, or is he that delusional?
Thriving off the vibe JoJo has been throwing out for this entire date, which I would describe as indifferent at best, Alex charges forward. He looks up into JoJo’s eyes and tells her “I’m totally falling in love with you. I started falling in love with you the second that I saw you.” As his words sink in, JoJo does her best impression of the face Chrissy Teigen makes whenever she’s wildly uncomfortable. Probably not a great sign.
JoJo stammers around for a bit before telling Alex “I’m glad you can be open and expressive, I’ve wanted to see that from you. But…when you say you’re falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel.” Translation: I actually just vomited in my mouth a little bit. When JoJo remembers Alex is an identical twin, she’s so overwhelmed she actually does throw up; it was easy to miss this moment, Alex was having a pretty bad hair day and it was quite distracting. Did Robby steal all Alex’s product?
After Alex’s declaration of love, JoJo knows he’s going home. Instead of beating a dead horse for the second time that day, JoJo decides to send Alex home on the spot instead of making him wait until the Rose Ceremony to go home. I respect that move, although Alex doesn’t take it well. JoJo asks to walk him out, and he simply responds, “Sure.” When she goes to grab his arm, he pulls away from her and barely speaks as he climbs into his car. As he drives away, JoJo beats herself up over the situation and cries. For a moment, I tried to care, but then I moved on with my life.
One-on-One Date with Jordan
This week’s second one-on-one date card reads, “Let’s toast to love” and goes to Jordan. Jordan is excited – he really likes toast. He hides his disappointment well when JoJo tells him they’re actually going wine tasting. As they board a private jet to fly to a vineyard in Mendoza, Jordan whispers in JoJo’s ear, “So just to be clear, there is no toast?”
Once JoJordan arrives at the vineyard, they joke about having to stamp grapes with their feet, à la I Love Lucy as well as every other stereotypical bit of media about winemaking. True to form, The Bachelorette doesn’t let us down. One of the vineyard employees leads JoJordan to a pair of wooden buckets full of grapes. The two take off their shoes, climb in, and begin squashing the grapes. It’s a good thing Jordan and Robby got pedicures a few weeks back – you never know when you’ll be called up to the big leagues for grape squashing. Eventually JoJo gets
horny separation anxiety and climbs in to Jordan’s bucket to help him squash grapes. While he does more squashing, she just uses her feet to rub grape shit all over his legs. I don’t know if this is supposed to be like a sexy game of footsie, but I find it straight up revolting.
Just when I think things can’t get any more disgusting, JoJordan pours their freshly foot-squeezed grape must (yeah, I took wine tasting in college) into wine glasses. They make Jordan’s second favorite kind of toast and then actually drink that shit. As JoJo lies and says it actually doesn’t taste bad, Jordan has a twinkle in his eye; if he can get JoJo to drink warm grape juice complete with skin, seeds, and God knows what else that he smashed with his bare feet, the limit does not exist for what he’ll get away with in the Fantasy Suite.
After their winemaking debut, JoJordan makes out in a strategically placed hot tub for a while. At home, Ben Higgins checks his back yard to make sure that ABC didn’t steal his and ship it to Argentina for this episode. “Who gives a shit, Ben?” Lauren B. yells from the living room. “We should just get Freeform to buy us a new one. Plus all the hair from the sluts you made out with last season keeps clogging the filter anyway.”
At dinner, Jordan drops a few truth bombs on JoJo. He explains why he got defensive about JT calling him entitled – it turns out that while he’s close with his
fattest oldest brother Luke, he doesn’t have much of a relationship with Aaron. He continues, saying that this is Aaron’s decision, and it’s just how he’s chosen to live his life. “I don’t have hard feelings,” Jordan tells her. “I just thought becoming a major contender on a widely watched reality television series would be a good way to make this announcement. Are you watching me now, Aaron?”
Surprisingly, JoJo seems to eat this shit up. I’d be lamenting the loss of Super Bowl box seats, but maybe I’m just shallow. Jordan can tell that JoJo is melting, so he keeps heating things up. He looks into her eyes and says, “I am so in love with you.”
This confession of love did not inspire any mouth-vomiting scares. Instead, JoJo turned off her gag reflex as she dug her nails into Jordan’s face and rammed his tongue so far down her throat he could taste his foot wine.
Hammertime Group Date
When the group date card arrived, it reads “Let our love soar” and is addressed to Chase, James Taylor, and Robby. Although JoJo had an exciting outdoor activity organized for this
gangbang date, Mother Nature had other plans and took a fat shit on that idea. Instead, they improvised and decided to do what any group of normal people would do in the same situation: they got fucking hammered.
Sequestered in a hotel suite with nothing but alcohol, shitty room service food, and their own imagination, the squad has to come up with ways to entertain themselves. First, they see how many fries JoJo can stuff into James Taylor’s mouth. It appears to be more than ten but less than twenty. JoJo makes the dudes give each other back massages and play Pictionary, but as they cross over from pleasantly tipsy to straight up lit, they start to play truth or dare.
Robby is the first to choose a dare, so JoJo tells him that she wants him to strip down to his underwear and run around the hall of the hotel. He doesn’t think twice before he’s running out of the suite, yelling and banging on doors along the way. As he reaches the end of the hallway, he drops his drawers, bends over, and shows JoJo his ass. That move may have gotten you laid before Robby, but I think you’re playing to a different demographic on this show.
Much like me, JoJo and the dudes switch to drinking straight whiskey to survive this date. As their inhibitions fall away, the “Don’t be a little bitch” center of James Taylor’s brain switches off, and he announces to the room that Robby has been checking out the female talent that Argentina has to offer. JoJo acts upset and tells Robby that this hurts her feelings as she lies in bed, cuddling with her two other boyfriends.
Eventually JoJo staggers off with each of the dudes for some one-on-one word slurring. Robby gets the first conversation, and she asks him about his most recent relationship. He dated a girl for three and a half years, never saw her house, and met her mom once, so that was probably healthy. He also confessed that they’d only been broken up for four months but insisted that he’s “definitely moved on.” I agree, Robby has definitely moved on…to dudes.
Chase was up next and tells JoJo, “Opening up to someone is something I’ve never done before.” She should cut him a break; he’s only been using actual words instead of guttural noises and hand gestures for a few years now. He does start to throw around statements like “having a lot of confidence in us” and “spending the rest of my life with you” without mentioning the word “love,” so he’s either practicing to be The Bachelor or he is actually really terrible at this.
James Taylor is the last to talk to JoJo. He cuts right to the chase, saying, “I think we have a sweet and genuine relationship, but it seems like your relationship with the other dudes is more physical.” I think we’ve got a real good example of sober thoughts becoming drunken words. Either that or this is what happens when you don’t have a cell phone for those late night booty calls. JoJo tries to reassure him, saying, “You are an amazing man. You have all of the qualities I’d want in a husband and in the father of my children.” This is exactly what James Taylor wants to hear and he stops listening, so he misses the part where JoJo whispers to herself, “He could be the father of my children, but if that were to occur, I would prefer for them to be conceived in a test tube.” Encouraged by her affirmation, James Taylor presses on, telling JoJo “I am very much in the process of falling for you.” At this point, I am very much in the process of falling asleep because I’m so bored.
Once the three dudes are back together, they start to get hungover and cranky. They argue about which dudes are frontrunners, and what it actually means to be a frontrunner. Sweet Jesus this episode is starting to drag. Finally, JoJo returns with the rose. She tells the dudes that she feels confident in the man she’s giving this rose to, and knows that she wants to meet his family. Without further ado, she gives it to Robby. Fabulous.
One-on-One Date with Luke
ABC shows us about three minutes of this date – but honestly it’s all we need to see. They act like a super normal, happy couple. Luke takes JoJo horseback riding and trap shooting; he actually spends a lot of the date talking. He’s very well spoken and seems to know exactly what he wants in life. He tells her that he thinks a lot of people plan their life selfishly; he wants to find someone to share his life with so they can build a future together. They make out a lot. Luke just seems like he’s in a different league than the rest of the goons JoJo has left. If I were JoJo, I’d pick Luke; however, to the surprise of no one, I am not JoJo so I have very little say in what is going to happen.
The cocktail party has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Also due to lack of necessity, because lesbihonest.
As the dudes realize they won’t have any more time to spend with JoJo, Chase and James Taylor begin to shit their pants a little bit. Sensing the importance of this moment, James Taylor is grateful he borrowed his dad’s suit for the Rose Ceremony, knowing it makes him look fresh to death. Or something like that. A Cinderella carriage arrives and the dudes pile in to bippity-boppity-boo down the road to their fate.
Robby already has a rose. The remaining three roses go to:
This means that we’re saying goodbye to James Taylor like we should have done last week. As JoJo walks him out, they both sob. It’s super unattractive. They talk for a while, and she tells him that he deserves nothing but the best. Through his tears, he says “I hear that a lot. It’d be awesome if someone would stop saying that and actually just want to be with me.” This is starting to seem like ABC is putting out the vibe to see how people would react to him being The Bachelor, and I hope that the reaction is strong and negative. He’s a nice dude, but just the thought of him having an entire season has already bored me. Give him his moment on Paradise and let’s call it a day.
Next week is Hometown Dates, because the only thing better than watching crazy people on television is seeing where they got their crazy in the first place. To make it even more interesting, we’re bringing back Hometown Bingo, so keep an eye out for more info coming soon. See you then..
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