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As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become the worst kind of person. I once happily double fisted Bud Lights or Miller Lites at parties, now I’m a beer snob. I used to be fine with Trader Joe’s two buck Chuck, now I’m a wine snob. Dominos and Papa Johns were acceptable pizzas several years ago, now I’d rather pay up for Antico. Now, to my horror, I’ve become a burger snob. If I have a choice, I’ll go to a dine-in local place with a great burger rather than fast food. However, you don’t always have that choice, especially if you travel a lot, but the fast food industry is far more competitive than it used to be. There were a handful of regional and national chains when we were kids, now there are several different major chains from which to choose. I’ve been fortunate to try each of the major chains multiple times in my life. Variety is the spice of life, might as well try what you can before you get diabetes or heart problems from eating too much beef with bovine growth hormone. But I digress.
Let me be clear. This is a definitive ranking of burgers only. This does not account for other items on the menu which may be better. Frankly, if you call yourself a burger place, your burger had better be one of the best things on the menu anyways. So let’s get started here.
1. Shake Shack
I didn’t have a chance to try Shake Shack until a couple of years ago when one opened up about a mile or two down the road from where I live. I was absolutely blown away. The Shake Shack burger was worth the hype. It has the perfect bun:meat:cheese ratio. The cheese is perfectly melted onto the patty rather than lazily slapped on during the latter stages of cooking. It’s nice and greasy and is ideal sober or drunk. Not to mention it’s one of the few burger chains that serve beer at their locations.
2. In-N-Out
Here’s where all the haters are going to come out and say In-N-Out is garbage. Until I tried Shake Shack, I pegged In-N-Out as the best fast food burger in America. The flexibility of the “secret menu” is an added bonus, but let’s talk about the burger itself. This is another chain that has perfected the bun:meat:cheese ratio. They also focus on ideal cheese melt, giving you a high quality, tasty burger. The secret sauce doesn’t overwhelm the flavor of the burger, and there are videos and recipes all over the internet of people trying to replicate it. The flexibility is awesome, too, as you can stack as many patties as you want on a burger. Double double. Triple triple. I’ve walked marg drunk from Venice Beach, CA to the In-N-Out on Washington Blvd and ate a 4×4. This should be the undisputed #2, maybe even a tie for #1.
3. Five Guys
Five Guys fries are bomb, but their burger does not disappoint, either. Once again, they too understand the value of the bun:meat:cheese ratio as well as properly melting cheese on the patty. As with Shake Shack and In-N-Out, you never get robbed on the meat and the cheese, and it’s a very tasty burger. Also, having a long list of free toppings definitely adds points. The top three on this list are very close, but this is how it ironed out.
4. Smashburger
Smashburger’s brand is totally based around taking a piece of meat, smashing it, and putting it on a bun. Pretty tacky, I know, but it does make for a tender, tasty patty. Gotta break down those proteins. I’m not as big a fan of the bun:meat:cheese ratio, but they make up for it by having a wide variety of burgers as well as a build your own burger. Its benefits are similar to Steak and Shake except with higher quality meat and other ingredients. And thoroughly tested flavor combinations.
5. Steak and Shake
Steak and Shake is an American classic. The steak burgers, however, aren’t as high quality as Smashburger but still have an excellent variety and a greasy but tasty flavor. I’m partial to the Wisconsin Buttery because I apparently hate my arteries, but they also have a Royale with cheese. And you can’t beat the price for the quality and flavor you get.
6. Whataburger
I’m going to get slammed for this one, but it’s the brutal truth. Whataburger is not a top five burger at all. It’s lucky it’s this high on the list. The closest one to me is in Fort Walton Beach, FL, so when I head down to the gulf coast I try to stop by. Why? I really want to like it. People are so rabid about it and I really, really want to like it. I want to know if I’m missing something. But it’s just not that great. It’s an average or slightly above average fast food burger. You could put a Burger King burger and a Whataburger in front of me, blindfold me, and have me taste test and I’d probably not be able to guess which is which if not for the better cheese on the Whataburger. I can totally respect why Texans like it, because people who live in Texas think everything from Texas is the best, but Whataburger just is not the best, by a long shot.
7. Checkers/Rally’s
I threw in the Checkers burger at the last minute because it is marginally better than the Burger King burger. You really go to Checkers for the fries, but the burger is not bad.
8. Burger King
All I really have to say about Burger King is that, in terms of quality, it is better than McDonalds. It’s a YUGE drop from Whataburger and Checkers, but is only slightly better than McDonalds. Double Whopper with Cheese if there’s nothing else available.
9. McDonald’s
I grew up a McDonald’s kid. Micky-D’s will always have a special taste to me because it reminds me of my childhood when we’d get a Big Mac, their salty fries, and a shake after a little league game, but it’s a cheap, salty burger. I might get a McDonald’s burger if there’s nothing better nearby, but nowadays there’s almost always a better place. Like Chick Fil A. Thank God those are popping up everywhere these days.
10. Krystal/White Castle
Krystal and White Castle are basically the same burgers and same crappy quality. But if you’re drunk, they taste like heaven. They are a top tier burger when your BAC is .15, and then you head home with a sackful and cheese fries and make sex noises as you eat them. However, trying it sober is a wakeup call.
The rest of the major chains are honorable mention. I heard Hardees has gotten better, but I never found them appealing. I’m sure there are some great local chains out there with great burgers, but in terms of regional and national chains this is certainly the definitive ranking..
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
You may all go to hell, and I will go to Whataburger.
The username/comment synergy just not getting enough love here.
Name checks out. Top-tier comment
Green Chili Double. Spicy ketchup for the fries. All. Set.
Cookout wins in my book. When you can get a delicious burger with a side of onion rings and a quesadilla for less than $6, it can only be described as magic.
Lived next to one in college, and been eating there since middle school. Sure, there are better burgers, but dollar for dollar, it can’t be beat. Double burger with a side of a corn dog AND nugz and a Cheerwine for a wrinkley fiver? I don’t know how they do it, they simply can’t be beat. You can’t get back to the parking lot of Whataburger/Shake Shack/Five Guys/In n Out for less than $10.
Whenever I go to Cook Out and just order like two things, it always costs more than a tray. Tray is the ultimate bang for the buck and it’s perfect. I know this post is about burgers, but I also love their BBQ sandwich.
Order a tray and just throw away the side you don’t want. It’s the Cook Out power move.
Just had cookout for the first time last week. I’m from Texas and I will say Cookout makes a damn good burger.
Burger + hushpuppies is a dank ass combo.
The Wendy’s JBC is fantastic and deserves to be highly ranked here.
Wendy’s burgers are easily better than McDonald’s and Burger King. I’m surprised it’s not on here at all.
Also, that bacon cheeseburger with the pretzel bun they occasionally have over the summer is absolutely fantastic.
Agreed, every McDonalds could burn to the ground, and if it meant driving 300 miles to the closest Wendy’s, I’d eat a Dave’s Double every week.
Disclaimer: “Fresh Not Frozen” is a Wendy’s brand name for their frozen beef patties. I was devastated to learn that tidbit of knowledge while in the drive thru one night watching their employees stock the outdoor freezer.
Wendy’s > Burger King and McDonald’s.
Culver’s isn’t on this list so your rankings are wrong.
And White Castle is garbage. I’d even put Hardee’s/Carl Jr’s over that place.
Culver’s is the shit.
Came here just to make mention of Culver’s. It is unbelievable.
It’s probably not in his area. Not real sure how far south Culver’s territory stretches. So I would say this list is not definitive. You could probably wedge it in near Whataburger and drop White Castle. Also drop McD’s trash burgers and throw Wendy’s in there. That’s your somewhat-more-definitive list.
I have a hard time putting white castle, bk and mcdonalds with places like shake shack and 5 guys.
White castle; burgers literally cost quarters. Shake shack, a burger and fries run you about 15 dollars after waiting for 15 minutes. Apples to oranges.
I don’t compare Chipotle and Taco Bell.
Hell fucking yes. My fiancee is a manager at Culver’s and so I know from experience that is incredible. Yesterday I walked 18 holes of golf and then went there for lunch. Got a double butter burger with cheese and grilled onions, a large cheese curd, and a concrete mixer. It was like the gods hand made a meal and served it to me.
Obviously Culver’s is biggest in Wisconsin and the Midwest, but I’ve seen them as far south as Florida. Definitely a contender for top 6
Respect Smashburger being so high. Plus, every time you go there, if you do the 2-minute survey found on your receipt, you get free fries for next time. It’s saved me so much money over the years.
I love how you come off as so chill and diplomatic/polite and shit..right on, man
Thanks for getting my Friday off to such a good start! Definitely high praise.
WHATABURGER IS THE BEST YOU DONT KNOW ME
It’s just very telling that everyone in Texas considers Whataburger #1, while every Texas import maintains that it’s good but nowhere near the top.
Whataburger the chain is fantastic but it’s not the best “burger.” That being said, I do have appearances to keep.
Kiawah – The most transparent incognito writer on the site.
Most Whataburger recommendations I’ve received are non-burger menu items. Doesn’t mean the chain as a whole is bad.
I’m a big Mighty Fine fan. I’d eat their burger before I would eat a Whataburger burger.
Don’t poke the bear, Will
I’ve had whataburger. It’s good, but not the best. Mid tier I’d say, and that’s still a compliment.
Yeah, just confirms you can’t trust the opinions of anyone not from Texas.
We don’t need this kind of negativity on a Friday
Whataburger’s biggest strength is variety. There are a lot of very good things on the menu, but I’m much more likely to go for a breakfast HBCB or two than I am for a meal
There is literally not a single hour of the day I couldn’t go for a HBCB. 4pm and it’s 110 out? Yup. 3am and there is snow on the ground? Yup.
No arguments there
Taste aside, Whataburger can gtfo for trying to charge for sauce.
I could smash 20 white castle sliders at any given moment as long as it has been at least 12 hours since the last 20 White Castle sliders.
This is a fantastic take
Who starts a top 10 list at #1?
Guys, the beef industry causes a large percentage of greenhouse gas emissions which are responsible for that thing that our orange president backed out of and apparently people are pissed off about it and stuff. That being said, I will continue to be a lifetime Shake Shack apathetic consumer because their burgers are fucking delicious and magical and the human race is a cancer that is protruding out of a large mass we call a planet. Have you guys ever put hot sauce on a Shake Shack burger? It’s life changing and with these ever rising sea levels, you can gulp down some of that extra water to cool your mouth off!….owwww caliente takes!!!
This column really was missing a good fart joke, thanks
You know how to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from cattle? Eat them.