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It’s that time of year where the leaves have turned and are now covering your driveway and lawn. You’re starting to switch out the flannels and pullovers to something a little bit heavier. And that winter weight? Oh yeah, that’s starting to pile on what with all the heavy beers and tailgating that you’ve been doing the past two months. Hell, in some parts of the country, it’s even starting to snow. We are quickly approaching the holidays, but Thanksgiving hasn’t even occurred yet.
So I have to ask — why the hell am I seeing Christmas decorations up?
Every year it seems like the holidays are thrust upon us earlier and earlier. It is universally understood that after Thanksgiving, Christmas season is in full swing. An entire month is not enough for some people as I’ve begun to take note of with increasing frequency over the last few years. This year we have reached an unprecedented level of what I like to call “seasonal rush.” Last week, yes, barely one week after Halloween, I saw an entire 4-acre property decked out with full blown Christmas lights, blow-ups, and other decorations. This week, I started to hear Christmas music come on some of the local stations. I’m no grinch but holy hell has this ever gotten out of hand.
I understand that the holidays are when a good portion of businesses make their nut but the hidden agenda that Big Christmas has needs to be stopped. The slow and steady encroachment upon Thanksgiving’s territory has been meticulously executed by the big box stores, radio stations, and what appear to be “normal” civilians living amongst the rural and suburban areas.
Each year, Black Friday specials are announced one day earlier. As you sit on your couch with a fall-flavored beer and a plate of chicken wings for week 10 of the NFL season, you’re already seeing Christmas-themed ads from wireless companies and car manufacturers. Within the first two weeks of November you’ll notice that as you pull in to your driveway, your neighbor has removed the jack-o-lantern from their front steps and in its place sits an innocent looking garden gnome. You smile and wave at them just to be polite. But as you look closer, that thing has a fucking Santa hat on.
Or perhaps you may even live with one of these Big Christmas influencers. They may ask you to assist them in hanging up stringed white lighting one Saturday afternoon when they’ve noticed you’re four pumpkin-flavored beers deep. “These can’t be Christmas lights,” you’ll say to yourself. “It’s too early for that.” But those beers have betrayed you. And so has your domestic partner.
If we don’t step up now, fall holidays could be lost altogether. At this rate, within few years, people may not even be celebrating Thanksgiving. Ten years down the road? Kids could be robbed of trick-or-treating in lieu of “pre-black Friday sales” at Kohls and Target. Who knows how far the Christmasoids will go.
So as the patient and rational people of this world, we must fight. This day forward, I am putting my foot down and keeping my head on a swivel. Any Christmas ad will be met with a quick flick of the channel or turn of the dial. Halloween candy will be prominently displayed on the kitchen island right through the month of November, dental health be damned. I will let a pumpkin rot on my porch right through Thanksgiving if that is what it takes. And if I must inject pumpkin spiced coffee into my veins for three months straight in order to keep this fight alive, I will do just that.
There is a time for silver bells, mistletoe, and holiday shopping credit card debt. However, the month of November is not it. Drawing out the celebration not only ruins other holidays, it takes away from the magic of the Christmas season itself. You all know that saying, “Too much of a good thing,” and all that? Just think of sick you are of all the classic Christmas songs after they finally stop getting played on repeat.
So, who is with me? Do not stand by as these people exert their influence on the common man. Let us stand up to Big Christmas. In doing so, we just may save it. .