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It’s that wonderful nondenominational time of the year, betches. You guessed it, the all-inclusive holiday known simply as “the holidays.” Time to trade in that fall flannel for another flannel of deeper red tones and dust off that tacky Christmas sweater you say once belonged to your great grandma but really, you purchased it for $35 dollars on Amazon. Without further ado, here is your Post Grad Problems Fashion Look Book for these kinda-coldish-depending-on-where-you-live holiday months.
Per usual, all research has been conducted by searching “holiday fashion” on our beloved, holy, white girl mecca: Pinterest.
1. A Puffy Vest That Does Absolutely Nothing For Your Arms Except Proves You Are Actually Skinny Under All That Goose Down
The puffy vest is an art form because in no way, shape, or form is it a practical piece of clothing. Sure, maintaining a warm core temperature is important and all, but lest we forget that it is our limbs and extremities that are usually first effected by frostbite?
“Of course we forget that–our fingers are wrapped around our hot chai double tea Starbs, you stupid betch!”
Well, good. Work that vest and zip it up about three quarters of the way as to perfectly camouflage your peppermint patty muffin top. Let your tits breath in the low-cut V-neck sweater you strategically put on underneath, because they obviously don’t need warmth during these sub-artic months.
2. Knitted Tights
Knitted tights are fantastic for white girls in the winter, because they allow you to rock a dress that’s a little too short to work and not get called a slut behind office doors. In all honesty, you probably would have worn the dress with no tights even in December. I mean, it makes your legs look so skinny. The beauty of knitted tights is that they trick people into thinking you are dressing warmly for winter, when in reality, you are still freezing your tiny little chicken legs off as you online shop for a space heater.
3. Tacky Christmas Sweaters
Tacky Christmas sweaters are a MUST HAVE for the months of December and January. Nobody seems to get the memo that Christmas is actually in December and you are guaranteed to get invites to these kinds of fucking parties way into January. The best way to get an authentic sweater is to ask Grandma if you can borrow one, and when she looks you straight in the eye and says, “Why in sweet baby Jesus’s name would you think I’d own a sweater with reindeer on it?” do what I said to do earlier and turn to Amazon. You can get something great for less than $50 that looks like it was straight out of a donated bag of Goodwill garbage clothing. Throw in another $10 and I bet you can get that authentic “Goodwill smell,” too.
4. Slutty Tacky Christmas Sweaters
So, reindeer and Santa Claus and snowflakes and jingle bells don’t quite cut it anymore. You’re an adult if you wear one of those. Try a slutty tacky Christmas sweater this year instead and make your mother proud by putting the “ho” in “ho ho ho” this winter. Make sure to get these sweaters in a size larger than you wear so they hit right below that part of your thigh where they begin to touch, making you look like an extra skinny betch.
5. In Addition To Wrapping Presents, Use Bows To Accessorize Your Outfit
Nothing says you’re a festive white girl quite like an adorable little holiday bow. These are great for the wintertime because you can literally buy 100 of them for less than $10. You have to be careful, though, because a little goes a long way. Use every ounce of self-control to not be overzealous with the holiday bows; pick and choose only one or two places to accessorize.
6. Actually, Fuck It
Put them all over your damn finely toned body. They’ll be sure to bring out the white undertones in your extremely white skin as you prance around the room to “OMG I LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS SONG!”.
Images via Pinterest
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Topanga
Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.
@TopangaPGP
I guess I can forgive this being the only article of the day because I’m sure everyone at the office has spent all day talking JayTas down off the ledge. That being said, I actually had to do work today, and that is unacceptable.
#firejaytas
Is the TFM mutiny spreading to PGP now? We’re going to have to get out the hoses and German Shepherds pretty soon.
Shouldn’t you be working on a shitty rendition of “T’was the night before Fratmas”. I hope you’re ready for an astronomical grocery bill for SFPL. #FreeShibby #IThoughtThisWasAmerica
Did you submit yours yet?
Yes, and my “Twelve Days of Fratmas”. Also tell the Communist to take me off house arrest. #FreeShibby
Good to see ya, Shibby
Thanks. I’m on house arrest again at TFM #FreeShibby so I’ll be popping up on here and TSM.
Give ’em hell, brother.
Good, because I’m not writing shit. It’s hilarious you went through all that effort to write a column and try to troll me and you can’t even get on TFM.
Then you lose by default. I hope you can afford feeding SFPL on a writer’s salary.
#UndisputedFratmasChampion
What a clever retort
#TfergusonM?
#FratPeopleMatter
I stand by this meme though.
Your obsession with me is both impressively dedicated and extraordinarily creepy.
I must’ve really struck a nerve if you are still keeping up this thread. Is somebody scared of the Fratmas write-off?
What write off? I was never going to write anything. I just wanted to see if you’d actually write a column just to be a troll.
Listen, 5OClockShadow. I had this column pending before I challenged you. I understand you are probably intimidated by the economic ramifications of SFPL’s grocery bill, and the fact that someone who is trolling you for fun may beat you at something you do for a living (creative writing and satire).
For a living?
It’s ok if you forfeit.
#FreeShibby #UndefeatedFratmasChampion #YouTooScared
Maybe if either site provides even half decent original content lately people wouldn’t bitch. Or just keep doing what you’re doing, making “articles” of justin timberlake tweet screenshots and Jameis Winston snaps. Really using those journalism degrees guys
he commenter mob wants better original content, right? You, and everyone else, need to actually share and click on “better” content when it is written then. If listicles and short dumb news stories get the most shares and clicks while fantastic original content goes unnoticed, what do you think the Grandex guys and the contributors are going to put out? This isn’t rocket science. It sucks putting hours of time into something that gets a ton of good comments but absolutely zero shares and then putting 5 minutes into something that goes viral because it’s in list form or generally brainless. Y’all control the content flow more than any of us contributors do.
I mean I actually do try to tell every post grad 20 something I know about this site. When I first discovered it I was amazed. Like, shit, I’m not alone, these people understand exactly the absurdity of your life immediately post graduation. I haven’t told anyone about this site in the last few months because it’s not worth telling people about. Literally the only content now is the same viral video every other content factory links to or a screenshot of a fucking Twitter conversation. I get that you’re trying to make money and you need clicks to do it, but here’s an idea, fire whoever was marketing the site when there was actual good content that didn’t get views, and get someone who can actually promote the brand instead of dumbing down the site and alienating your demographic
Rog, you’ve written some top notch articles. And we understand that it’s hard to keep putting out content day after day, and obviously not all of them are going to be Pulitzer winners. When I read something I enjoyed, I’m much more likely to upvote and give good feedback than share to social media. I barely go on Facebook anymore. Maybe if we had a forum we could all discuss ideas for new columns like we used to do on TFM. We all want PGP to be successful.
There’s another way to deal with the commenter mob.
sorry, that was uncalled for. I actually do enjoy some of your stuff.
I’ll start writing more about tits.
…wait a minute. You have to have a degree to write for the Internet? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
It’s been my experience that educated people how something to say about life besides “duh look at what this celebrity said to a heckler on Twitter!” But I guess you’re the exception to the rule. When can we expect the next listicle about how what your Starbucks drink choice says about your sex life or whatever tripe you’ve got in the works?
I’m sorry that you don’t appreciate a good #WigSnatch joke when you see one. I promise to only like JT for his body and not his sense of humor from now on. Also, your Starbucks order says absolutely nothing about your sex life, except that maybe you might stay up long enough tonight to have one. We done here, Bert?
With this site? Ya you could say I’m about done. Have fun in 6 months when it goes under and you buzzfeed turns you down for being a hack
Nah, we’ll make it work. What do you want to see written here?
Who says I have a degree?
That would explain why your content panders to uneducated morons and not college graduates.
Clearly pandered to you…
HA Topanga he told you!
Yeah Topangers wtf?
Internet putdowns ARE pretty unproductive.
It’s not acceptable. This site sucks hard frozen shit burgers. It’s certainly not worth my time to check and see if anything good was posted. Fucking A, step you game up asshats. I was rooting for you but you just suck so much frozen shit.
Why does all the shit have to be frozen?
Looks like it was worth a comment though
The fuck is wrong with you?
Dear Topanga,
This Christmas I’d be more than happy to “Jingle your bells” and give you a white Christmas…
Love,
Shibby
Knitted tights, man…knitted tights
Something something is this Buzzfeed, something something.
Not that this isn’t accurate, but isn’t aren’t all the “white girl” posts quasi-racist? Hispanic, black, asian, and all combinations of 20-something working girls dress like this. If you mean ex-sorostitute, say ex-sorostitute. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended (to paraphrase Louis C.K. it’s pretty hard to offend a white male), but it’s not just white folks that do all these stereotypical “white girl” things.
WTF just happened? You guys used to give me so much hope…
If PGP doesn’t stand a chance… We’re all skrewed.
These are the last days my friends.
The last days.
I’m glad Shibby is in here shaking things up.
Maybe PGP should get a forum.