======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
The American male is hurting. Unlike the men of the Greatest Generation and the Baby Boomers, we live in an America of veggie burgers, tofurky, male manicures, shaved chests, and the healthcare.gov pajama guy. There are children’s sports leagues that don’t keep score, slim fit suits, skinny ties, skinny jeans, scooters, and Smart cars. Even rappers have gone soft–I’m looking at you, Drake. What happened to the Old Hickorys, John D. Rockefellers, Teddy Roosevelts, Ernest Hemingways, James Deans, John Waynes, and Clint Eastwoods? The strong, male role models who defined their generations? They’re disappearing, slowly but surely. It’s a new world, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let America’s masculinity continue to erode away the way it has. You can still be a man’s man in today’s America, and here’s how.
Meat
Real men eat meat. It’s a natural law, like gravity. We weren’t put at the top of the food chain to graze on foliage. When I say meat, I mean real meat: beef, pork, boar, venison, bison. None of this “using turkey as a meat substitute” crap, like turkey bacon and turkey burgers, or worse–vegetarian options. Vegetarian alternatives are the most blasphemous form of filth in the food world. Veggie burgers? Vegetarian bacon? Tofu turkey alternatives? Get the fuck out of here. Pack me full of cholesterol and meaty goodness. Have you ever had a deer burger? Buffalo chili? A corn-fed, well-marbled ribeye? That’s what a real man eats. I always keep at least a pound of ground round in my refrigerator, just in case of a culinary emergency.
Liquor
Dark liquor, beer, and margaritas. Those are the three acceptable drink groups for a man. Like Ron Swanson said, clear liquor is for rich women on diets. Still, the three acceptable drink groups for men give you a surprising variety of choices, believe it or not. There are a number of classic cocktails that use dark liquor, such as the Old Fashioned or the Manhattan, or you can just drink it straight. There is more good beer out there than you can drink in a lifetime, but avoid the sweet, fruity beers like Sweetwater Blue. Beer is supposed to taste like beer, not blueberries. Finally, the occasional margarita is acceptable, especially at a Mexican restaurant, at the pool, or at the beach. Keep it simple: lime juice, tequila, Cointreau, ice, kosher salt. None of that syrupy, sweet mix crap.
Sports
You don’t necessarily need to be a rabid sports fan to be a man’s man in today’s America. I mean, look at the president. He is supposedly a rabid basketball fan. Supposedly. The reason a real man loves sports–whether it’s playing them, betting on them, or watching them–is for the thrill of competition. There’s nothing quite like watching the hopes and dreams of a team other than your own get completely crushed on the field of battle. If you’re not up for the competition, maybe you should go occupy Wall Street.
Guns
Every red-blooded American male should love guns. It’s in the Constitution. Throughout history, real men have used the weapons of their time to defend themselves, hunt for food, and, if necessary, go to war with tyrants. Boys from a young age were trained to be swordsmen, archers, and spear wielders. Hell, David killed Goliath with a rock and a sling. It’s your right as an American and your duty as a man to legally arm yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Capitalism
It drives the economy and gives real men the opportunity to acquire power and wealth. Capitalism is basically the sport of business. You compete to win, and if you can’t compete, you vote liberal. It’s as simple as that. America.
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
Sour mix in a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
*meowschwitz
I swear I had something for this
Finally something for the traditional, skinny tie-hating, heterosexual, red-blooded American man. God bless and keep you, sir.
As a beef broker and lifelong cattle rancher…thank you for mentioned corn fed, well-marbled ribeyes.
I sell Prime grade, aged Ribeyes that are so beautiful they bring tears to my eyes. A fucking MAN in AMERICA doesn’t give a shit about grass fed, antibiotic free beef. Fucking weak wristed pussies.
‘Merica.
Thank you grew up on a wheat and cattle farm and cringe when I hear grass fed, all natural, or any of that other bullshit
A nice piece of grass fed well marbled wagyu can’t be passed up though.
The only exception for clear alcohol is moonshine. Drinking homemade liqour from a recipe made to spite the government is pretty manly and capitalistic to me.
You can pry my gin and tonic from my cold, dead fingers. If it was good enough for Brits making sure they didn’t get malaria while they were busy subjugating the Indians, it’s good enough for me.
Hear hear, sir!
I need to prove to Lindsey that I’m not just a man, but a man’s man.
I take it cars/trucks & music will be in part 2? (Spoiler alert)
Skinny ties were good enough for Don Draper, so by God, they’re good enough for us too.
I like most of your points, but Boris from the Spetznaz would disagree that Vodka is unmanly (was that racist enough?)
*Expensive guns. There’s no fun in telling someone you have a Glock, every gangster has a Glock. A Perazzi worth more than their BMW on the other hand, now that’s a power move.
Are you in some sort of competition to see who can be the biggest tool?
He’s playing by himself against himself. He’s still losing.
I agree with 99% of this. Good job. However, like a man is wont to do, I will ignore perfectly good advice as I see fit. I love all meats, turkey included.
A little schnapps in my coffee isn’t amiss either.
You shouldn’t be eating turkey unless it’s on a dagwood or you killed it yourself.
What do you eat at Thanksgiving, you damned European?
I’m Ron Burgundy?
Who put a question mark on the teleprompter?
There’s about a million acceptable ways to eat turkey, but the best option is, and you’re right, eating something you shot.