6 Trends From Middle School That Need To Stay Dead

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Nike Cortez Sneakers

Gross. I was revolted by these sneakers. but it was the hot trend for all the betches in my grade. Needless to say, I didn’t have a pair. Also needless to say, I had zero betches in my posse in middle school because I was about as awkward as a “no reason boner.”

Messy Buns

So this was just the ONLY acceptable hairstyle for girls during these formative years? The perfectly smooth crown followed by just the right amount of messy was a tough balance to master. I bet you won’t be shocked to hear that I was something of a guru at this. Literally, I had minions come to me on the bus or at break, aka recess with no playground, and ask me to do their messy bun for them. Not even going to lie, it’s on my resumé.

Rolling The Shorts

At this point in history, I do not believe the hip Nike parachute-esque running short had been invented. We were still rocking old school Zara or Diadora shorts, and those were not built to show off our pasty, tween thighs. What a shame that we couldn’t whore ourselves out at 12 without the pain of rolling the damn shorts. Obviously, some extra leg fabric wasn’t going to stop us. “Duh Mom, I have to roll my shorts three times! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” It’s ironic that we used to do that because the act itself adds about 7 inches to your waist, and I would probably kill my first-born to remove 7 inches there now. What goes around comes around, eh?

Tattoo Necklaces

Wow, where to even begin. The fact that our parents let us sport these is kind of remarkable. Like, sure hun, go ahead and wear that piece of “jewelry” that makes it look like you roll with the Bloods or Crips outside your daily required reading of Holes. I mean, fake arm tats of our school’s mascot is one thing, but a NECK TAT is quite another. That shit hurts. It makes you look about as mentally stable as Mike Tyson. Whatever, it was 6th grade and we were cool.

Cartilage Piercing

Ah, the much anticipated cartilage piercing. This was the first sign you were transitioning into full on slutdom womanhood. If you had a “cool mom” (probably supplied all your alcohol in high school and has recently given you the cutest 20-years-your-junior sibling), obtaining this sometimes during middle school wasn’t an issue. You were the shit. For us lowly kids who had “uncool” moms, this was a battle waged on the same scale as Waterloo. Turns out, that battle was unnecessary for me because I just went and did it anyways. Myself. In my bedroom. Man, I’ve never seen my saint of a mother rage like that. I also proceeded to pierce many ears through the beginning of high school. As far as I know, no one instantly became paralyzed as was the fear, but I wouldn’t completely count it out.

Body Glitter

Unless you were literally a feral child raised in the sewers, you, at one point in your life, felt that the only way to complete your being was with 8-10 rolls of body glitter. Usually, this was left for special occasions, like a birthday party where there would be “hot boys,” or school dances. I mean, apparently our parents and administrators had something against us looking like fucking disco balls on a daily basis. However, come those rare days where it was accepted — nay, encouraged — you were beyond prepared. Since first whiff of the middle school doors, you knew the Bath and Body Works Art Stuff Melon Mania Glitter Roller Ball was an indispensable part of your “make up” collection. That nasty shit was going ALL over your non-existent ta-tas. How else were you supposed to attract the one guy who was already sprouting a dirty mustache? The amount of that terrible stuff we probably absorbed into our young and pure blood stream will likely leave us with a gaggle of not-so-right babies in the next few years. I think even then we knew we’d have to pay for this one eventually…

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

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