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I was recently perusing the site and catching up on the day’s blogs when I stumbled upon this week’s mailbag. A female reader asked Dillon about Bumble openers, and I was absolutely flabbergasted by Dillon’s response. Borderline appalling, actually.
Dillon’s response? “It doesn’t matter. ‘Hey’ is enough. On Bumble, since the girl has to initiate the conversation, doing so is all the guy needs. There shouldn’t be any pressure for this reason.” BAHAHAHAHA. Yo Dill, you cannot be serious, right? Like, I’m looking for someone to take on a date, to spend my valuable minutes with, my hard earned dollars on, and I’m going to decide to take the girl who’s best crack at an opener is “hey.” Are we thinking straight here? Like I’m borderline about to recommend a neurologist because there’s some serious CTE type shit happening in that brain of yours.
Even if you’re a certified rocket ship, a lady so blessed in the looks department that Instagram followers are more bountiful than yellow cabs in NYC, you can’t just fall back on “hey.” I stand by this. If I’m looking for a girlfriend, I need somebody more interesting than “hey.” Like, where do you expect a conversation to go if you just say “hey.” I bet 99% of all Bumble conversations that start with “hey” read like an AIM convo from the seventh grade:
Hey
Hey
What’s up.
Nmjc.
Coooooool….
POS.
The very first message to a dude on Bumble is your elevator pitch. It’s your fifteen seconds to get the TV executive’s attention. Your Shark Tank moment. You have to get my attention. Simply saying “hey” or “what’s up” or “how was your weekend?” is just not going to cut it.
I know that when I have to be the one to message first, as a short, average-looking dude, I know I have to stand out. I’m not going to come with “hey.” I’m coming in with my best fastball. Something you may never have ever seen before. Something thought-provoking, something hilarious, or something downright nuts. Because I know you’re getting thousands, maybe even hundreds, of messages from so many dudes. I have to stand out.
Guys are getting way fewer messages than girls are, yes. But, why do you think you can get away with “what’s up.” That conversation, 11/10 times, is not going to go anywhere. The conversation stalls completely. He’ll say he’s just chilling, or some bullshit, and you never really get anywhere. Even if you’re Bella Hadid, this guy will be bored of you. And if he’s not quite sure if he thinks you’re actually cute or not? You’re dead on arrival.
However, let’s say I’m not yet sold on your cuteness. If you come in with an absolute thunder factory opening line? I’m going to know that you’re a down ass chick who’s probably wicked fun to be around. Come in with a heater, something that’s going to blow me the fuck away.
I’ll leave the exact details up to you, but try and be original. And it can certainly be tailored to what you’re looking to get out of this potential love interest.
Are you just trying to smash? Well, start off the conversation being seductive, or outright naughty. Dude will know EXACTLY what’s up and if he’s down he’ll follow suit.
Example: You look pretty good in that pic of you on top of that boat. Imagine how good you’d look on top of me *smirk face*
Are you looking for a date? Try and start off the conversation by figuring out a way to steer the conversation towards talking about something like a bar or restaurant in your neighborhood you’ve wanted to try, and then you can ask him if he wants to go sometime.
Example: Marry, fuck, kill: dive bars, sushi restaurants, ice skating.
Then you can start talking about dive bars, for instance, and then bingo bango bongo, you ask him if he wants to grab a drink at one. This is SOOOOO much better than, “How was your weekend?” I can’t even begin to describe how much more refreshing it is to receive messages in those veins rather than getting the proverbial “hey.”
Happy Bumbling, ladies. .
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Once I sent a guy a pick up line and he told me he liked the one I sent to his friend better. I do not miss these apps.
This comment left me shook
I raise you my roommate matching with brothers and them playing her by asking the same exact questions to which she answered the same.
Wouldn’t that make sense though? If it’s the same question the answer should be the same right? Am I reading this wrong?
I mean literally word for word the same. She’s a robot.
Holy shit I agree with Boston Max.
Have to agree with Dildo here. If a girl’s opening line is ‘hey’ and she’s attractive enough, then I’m going to respond. If an ugly sends me a creative opener, I’m still not answering.
Since most of the population is right in the meaty part of the curve, I’m talking to/about normal looking people
“Hey! Just looking to see if you want to grow old together as we slowly resent each other. I hope you have life insurance because I’m gonna kill ya with kindness ;(“
A follow-up column with Nived Bumble openers is a must.
My opener for a little while was “did you ever find bugs bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?” (It’s from Wayne’s world). Nobody picked up on it, and also they think I have an attraction to cartoon bunnies in drag. So, creative openers are not my strong point.
That’s a high risk/high reward maneuver. You’re going to eliminate a lot of people, but the ones you get are likely to be of the highest quality.
“I’ll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast”
This article is perfect timing bc ya girl needs some advice: matched with an MLB player and I have no clue how to open a convo with him. I’m honestly already a fan of his and follow him on social media. How should I approach this
Ask him what his favorite base is?
Winner winner chicken dinner
So casual about matching with a professional athlete. A solid, well-executed humblebrag
ask him if he believes that sex before a game will ruin his ability to perform at optimal levels…follow that up with an offer to test said theory.
Congrats in advance on the sex
Playyyyyy balllllll!!!!!!
If it doesn’t work I’m right here
I’ve matched with a few and most of the time it’s a fake profile… the person says they’re “around you”, yet the MLB player in question is playing a game that same day in an entirely different state sooo
Girls do need to get more creative with our openers (and with our bios- everyone likes happy hour and having fun. Be better.), but guys need to give us something in their bios/pictures. It’s so much easier to come up with a creative line if there’s something to work off of in your bio.
and dogs…and tacos…and coffee…and the office…and not being superstitious just a little stitious…yeah, I’d say girls might need a bit of help with their bios.
“If your bio is blank, I assume it’s because you’re not smart enough to think of something clever.” It’s a shot across the bow, but I think it gets the message across.
It’s true. But guys aren’t any better. Craft beer, golf, fishing, whiskey, The Office/It’s Always Sunny/Seinfeld. Perfectly acceptable things to like, not so easy for starting an interesting conversation. Still better than the alternative male bios though, which either come on way too strong or are completely insane.
Problem is most of my interests aren’t all that interesting..I like most typical male stuff…Gym, craft beer, my dog, the Office is hilarious. So what else do I throw in there?
I pointed out that I don’t skip leg day in my bio which has led to some solid female feedback…skies out thighs out baby
Just threw that in there with an addition of I’m a big crunchy peanut butter guy..Maybe I just don’t go like I used to
sup?
Dunno how well we’d work miss Jackson…good chance I’d just break out into that song every time I see your mother..But I’ll sup you right back
Give it a week and let me know how it goes!
Wholeheartedly agree but also would caution there is such thing as being too out there in your bio if you’re a guy. This buddy of mine DostGraduatePolphin had a Fight Club quote in his Tinder bio and needless to say it did not play. Maybe 1.25 dolphins got it and his only saving grace was apparently very few cetaceans read the bio
I opened with “If you could fight one person, living or dead, who would you fight?” for a few weeks. Did not play well. Apparently it’s not as fun of a thought experiment as I’d hoped. Guys thought I was aggressive/violent…
Mine was “Well dressed. Well read. Well on my way to becoming your next wedding date.”
Hard swipe right content right there.
“The very first message to a dude on Bumble is your elevator pitch.”
You’re thinking of the bio.
Dillon reads the bios. That’s cute.
Blitz all night!
“If you were a baseball player, what would be your walk out song?” Rules out any losers that have terrible taste in music or have no sense of humor
I was just asked that as an opener. Are we matched?
“Danger Zone” –Kenny Loggins
Ditto. Solid option.
“Let me clear my throat” without a doubt
This was my opener for a long time and I got some real interesting picks. Some good, some bad.
“Your Love” by The Outfield
I feel like “a certified rocket ship” could go either way on what that means in terms of looks.
It depends on if the rocket ship is on its way to Mars.
It’s heading to Uranus