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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co.
Hey Dillon,
I’m just going to dive right in because as you can guess by the subject of this email, I have a dating predicament on my hands…or in my bed.
Recently, I started seeing this awesome guy who is in my group of friends (but on the outskirts, not the core group) and his personality rocks. My friends all stand by the fact that he’s “objectively attractive” but personally, I’ve never found him that way until it was just him and I at happy hour one night. We started dating and to my surprise, he checked every box on my pretentious AF and obnoxiously picky checklist.
BUT then we had sex and both times it was just bad. Bad and weird- I’m talking high pitched noises and girlish sounds that weren’t coming from my side of the dirty deed weird. Obviously, I’m going to cut it off with this guy. I’m a big believer that whether its your husband or boyfriend or anything in between, you should want to jump their bones in the laundry room and if that’s not the case then you should move on.
I comment on this site semi-frequently and I often say that I’m honest during breakups. This however, should be the exception to my brutal honesty- but I literally don’t know what to say. I know I can’t ghost or slow-fade because we’re both adults- so my question is what the fuck do I say? And is my mentality wrong- is personality more important?
“Objectively attractive” sounds like something you’d say to a friend who’s dating an ugly motherfucker but you don’t have the heart to tell her. Who even talks like that? You never found him attractive until you got drunk one night, huh? Yeah, dude is ugly. Sorry. You’re sleeping with an ugly dude, which is fine, but don’t lie to yourself.
I agree with you that wanting to jump your partner’s bones all the time is very important. Sexual chemistry is hugely important. There are many people in my life who I don’t want to have sex with. I call them friends.
Just tell him “I’m not really feeling a connection anymore.” That’s the catch-all breakup reason, and it’s technically true. It’s a soft blow, too, so you’ll be letting him down as easy as you can. You don’t want to break up with him and destroy his confidence. That poor, ugly bastard.
Hey Dillon,
So I’m writing in because this is now the third time it has happened to me, and need some perspective. I keep getting involved in situtaionships, as the kids call it, where the guys tell me how great I am, the sex is awesome, we date, and things seem to be progessing towards a relationship. If it gets mentioned they tell me, again how much they like me and how great I am, but that they aren’t ready for a relationship. Okay, that’s fine. Typically that’s where things end. Then a month or two later I find out that they are in a serious relationship with someone else. When I ask about it, I get told that it is nothing personal, and that the timing with me just wasn’t right. Now that this has happened for a third time, I can’t help but take it personally. Looks wise I’m relatively average, not a 10 but also not a wilder beast, am funny, smart, kind, and an all around good person. I frequently get told that I’m the kind of girl you marry and not just hook up with, and yet here I am finding myself being the placeholder before a guy gets in an actual relationship. I feel like that terrible Dane Cook movie, Good Luck Chuck, if you sleep with me you wind up marrying the next person you date. It’s disheartening and makes me question why I’m good enough to sleep with and date, but not be in a relationship with, so I could use a male perspective. Is it really just timing in these situations or should I take it personally?
Thanks!
Yes, you should take it personally. They were ready for a relationship, just not with you.
Guys will look for an easy out as to avoid being hurtful, and to make the conversation easier. Telling you “I want a girlfriend but it’s not going to be you,” while very direct and may be appreciated more by you in the long run, is a lot tougher than taking the route he did. He was trying to let you down easy, which isn’t the worst reasoning, but it’s still wrong.
That doesn’t mean you’re not girlfriend material. It just means you haven’t found the right guy.
What’s up Dorn,
So I just recently turned 21 and my girlfriend is still only 20. I’ve been buying her alcohol but I haven’t been making her pay for it. Should I make her pay for it or at least part of it? Or should I just continue to pay for it with my own money?
Thanks man.
I assume you’re asking this as a poor college student. Are you paying for it because you’re of legal age and she’s not or because you’re the guy and it’s the “proper thing to do”?
Either way, it’s time she starts pitching in some. Alcohol is expensive and I see no reason why she shouldn’t pay for at least part of the alcohol she’s drinking. It’s 2017, after all. Good luck bringing it up, though.
Hey Dillon,
I’ve been a TFM reader from way back in 2011 and moved to PGP since its inception. In undergrad I was heavily involved in greek life. I went to a greek heavy PAC12 school, lived in my fraternity house, went to national conferences, and was on my E-board as a junior and senior. I had the time of my life for 4 years and loved almost every part of it. But as I get farther and farther away from greek life I feel like I’m losing connection to my actual organization. The last class of guys I know from my era walked at commencement today. I feel like I don’t really care much about the history of my nationals, or most of its rituals. The best part about the fraternity was the people I met and the friends I made. I’ll forever be thankful for the times I had and my friends but I really don’t feel a special connection to my letters anymore. I see my letters now and I think of doing dumb shit with my buddies, not of some mysterious ritual or chant from the 1800’s. I know you are a fraternity content creator (#tent) so you’ve had to stay involved but did you ever go through a period where you felt something similar?
All the best
Some disclosure is necessary before I answer this. Yes, I was a member of a fraternity, but I’ve never been all about my fraternity. I joined because doing so meant I’d have a ton of friends and be invited to all the parties. I never cared at all about our rituals or traditions. Not even a little bit. I learned all that shit because I had to. To be honest, I found a lot of it pretty dumb. And corny. And hokey. Even on initiation night, I was not into the ritual aspect of it. I was just ready to drink with my friends.
My chapter recently lost their house, and I simply do not care. Why would I? I don’t live there. The term “brother” even makes me uncomfortable. Like I met you three months ago and the only conversations we’ve had are drunk ones. You’re not my brother, Connor. We just pay dues to the same organization.
I’m probably not the best person to ask this question, as I never actually cared that much. So, it may not surprise you to find out that when I hear of someone being “into” their letters years after they graduated, I think they are total losers. It’s time to grow up and move the fuck on. Miss your friends and the parties and the girls; don’t miss your fraternity rituals and don’t know what’s going on with your chapter. At least not too much. Don’t be a loser.
Dillon,
First off I’m a big fan of Touching Base, you guys keep up the good work.
I have a bachelor party to plan coming up. I have been to/planned a few already but this one is a little more difficult. We are from SC and the groom is currently living in Austin. People would be coming from both locations. I thought about just doing it in Austin but with him living there I feel like we should go somewhere else. I am debating between New Orleans for a blow out weekend or a more relaxed 3 day golf trip and hitting up the Robert Trent Jones trail in Alabama.
Thoughts are appreciated!
Lakehouse_dreaming
If he lives in Austin, you can’t do Austin. The bachelor needs to travel on his bachelor party, even if it’s only one town over. I’m not familiar with the Robert Trent Jones Trail but both those ideas sound great. A golf centric trip and New Orleans are both premiere bachelor party choices. Let the deciding factor be what you think he will enjoy most. Don’t let your golf trip be relaxing, though. Bachelor parties are not for relaxation.
Hey Dillon,
Hope you had a great weekend. I graduate college in a few weeks and it’s crazy to think I’m actually entering the real world. I lucked out and got a job in a new city so I move in about a month or so. I spent most of college enjoying the single life and it just hit me that I have no clue what I’m getting into with post grad dating, but I’m finally in a place where I could actually see myself making time for someone. Any suggestions on where/how I can meet a decent man besides dating apps (because I’ve never used one and am a little bit afraid of them)? Thanks for your time.
Be less afraid of dating apps. They’re harmless and allow you to have control of the conversations without giving your number out. Feel uncomfortable with someone? Un-match and move on.
Aside from dating apps, you have to go out. Get your main bitches together and go to dinner at locations where the clientele is largely young professionals, like you. Unless you’re ugly as sin, like that first girl’s boyfriend, guys will approach. Or you can be the aggressor and make moves yourself. It’ll happen..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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RogerJDorn
Dillon bringing heat with some of these responses. Old man hasn’t lost his fastball at all, love it. Also, nothing more uncomfortable than someone calling your brother because you were on the same fraternity. Shit is just weird.
I feel like being in a fraternity is like going to a music festival. If you’re not pretty tired of the lifestyle by the end of it, you’re not doing it right during.
Yeah. I mean, maybe 1-2 years to be all emotional about your frat. Otherwise, move on. My math has the writer in the 25 range. Move on, man. I quit going to alumni functions at 24, no regrets. 18 year olds feigning interest in me and kissing my ass is just weird. Honestly, the best part is I no longer have to be nice to guys who slipped through the cracks and fucking suck.
Pretty spot on really.
I stopped going to their parties last year, but unfortunately still have to go by the house every now and then because my off-campus “big boy” drug dealer got arrested. PGP
Over the years after graduating I realized just how insulated I was in Greek life. So much of daily life was tied to it in some way or another (from clothes, friends, girls, parties, etc.) So to get away from that it was really liberating. My fraternity will always hold a soft spot in my heart (I lost my dad while pledging) but it is mainly that group of guys. I found out the house lost its charter recently and all I could think was sucks for y’all.
Was at a bar somewhat recently, with a bunch of my old college friends, and some guy someone knew or something told me we were brothers and tried to give me the fraternity grip. I told him I was good and I just didn’t really care.
My friends and I talked about this recently, as we all skipped an anniversary party for our sorority. There are alumni roughly ten years older than us that still BLEED our colors and talk/post about the sorority nonstop on social media, but my friends and I just don’t give a shit. Our memories consist of the time we spent together in school, and if it happened to be at the house/formal/etc, so be it. But we don’t remember it just because it’s Greek-related. We remember it because of each other.
To the 21-year old: put cheap alcohol into nicer bottles. Problem solved.
To the last girl who’s looking for a guy, I can guarantee you that any guy would love if a girl approached him. Flip the tables and I’m sure you’ll meet plenty of worthy guys
Yeah I love that shit
Best dates I’ve been on are from people I met in person. She just needs to go up to someone and start talking- men and women just want someone to come up and start a friendly conversation because deep down we all have that empty void that only friends and love ones can fill.
All those insecurities are in her head. Be confident and stay loose.
I can confirm. Honestly I’ve never once been brushed off by a guy I’ve approached, while I know plenty of us brush off guys all the time.
I would recommend not setting time apart for a relationship right now. Just out of college say 23 don’t get wifed up now.
To the girl who feels like a placeholder- I have been there and can empathize. Only advice I could add: sometimes it’s okay to take a total dating hiatus. It gives you more time to reevaluate your life/what makes you happy, and spend time with your girlfriends. I can honestly attest, I don’t mind as much if guys aren’t interested now, because my life is great as is with my friends, so dating is more of like a bonus. Good luck out there!
The only guy I’ve ever dated that I thought I saw a future with, just married the girl he dated after me and it was a huge punch to the gut. This is solid advice. Some “me time” goes a really long way.
Hey kids-placeholder girl here in the flesh. Thanks for the feedback! I met this guy about 6-8 months into my dating hiatus, and he was the first guy I had genuine feelings for in a long while, so I guess that’s why I took it so tough. The app scene really hasn’t been working for me so I’m just going to keep doing my thing and hope to meet the right guy along the way.
sup?
I’ve been in this situation with every single guy I’ve dated after college. It sucks. But I completely agree, take yourself out of the dating world for awhile and you learn not to care as much.
Plus you got all those cats to keep you distracted
Nothing worse than someone who still lets their frat define their personality after they graduate. No one in my chapter ever gave a shit about the nationals, rituals, etc and we all made fun of that stuff so no need to feel bad if that stuff doesn’t resonate with you anymore. I enjoyed my time in my fraternity because it’s how I met some of my best friends and it gave me access to booze and girls. I’ll disagree with Dorn about completely cutting yourself off once you graduate though, unless you absolutely fucking hated the chapter. Strong alumni networks are a key part in keeping the chapter running. Come back for alumni weekend if you get the chance, ask how the place is going and if the alumni can do anything to help. Nothing too drastic but that kind of stuff is what helps shithead college kids down the road have the same fun experience that you had. Obviously don’t be the alum who still lives around town and always shows up uninvited to the house offering up criticisms and how things were much better “back in my day”. No one likes that guy.
To the first girl, Dorn is spot on saying “I just don’t feel a connection anymore” of you want out. You’re not about it and letting them down easy while being honest.
I’d recommend maybe communicating what you want in bed first though, if he really is a great guy and you like him. If anything that I’ve learned from conversations with married friends and every movie, tv show, comedian ever is that you won’t be having a lot sex once married anyway.
The shock and horror of the editor of TFM not really liking fraternity shit
I thought the ritual was awesome when I was 19 and got initiated not even realizing fraternities had rituals. Then I learned essentially every fraternity’s rituals are the same (lifted from the Masons). My chapter also recently got the boot, some younger alumni than myself, even a couple older were all upset. I really could not care less. Every guy from college I still hang out with, including 4 of my best friends were all brothers, but 90% of the guys I realized I had nothing more in common with than the letters, and lost touch. Don’t regret pledging for a minute, but the actual organization means very little to me now.
the masonic rituals are much more meaningful. learning the ritual work for the mason’s is a lifelong endeavor. 2b1ask1.
I disagree about letting go of your fraternity. I met the best friends of my life in my chapter. I still live with three of my brothers and they are closer to me than my biological siblings.
The rituals and traditions also mean a lot to us. They are secret experiences that only we are in on.
My chapter is small and was just chartered in 2000, so everyone knows each other and we are able to hold regular alumni events. We’re a close knit group because we continue to be involved and support the chapter.
I get that. The ritual stuff was just never my thing. I’m still very close with a lot of the guys though
I think the people on this thread who say they don’t give a shit didn’t give it their all and just wanted to party. You have to put the work in and EARN the party. I met some of my best friends in my fraternity. We talk some stuff about the fraternity but that is soon washed out because we don’t live in the past. We just like to remember the good times and create new ones.
I mean, just because I don’t really give a shit about the rituals & things now, doesn’t mean I didn’t back then. I cried when I did a specific ritual for the last time as an active and can still feel the excitement I had on initiation night, but that’s in the past. My current roommate is my pledge sister but I don’t introduce her as my pledge sister lol I just say roommate or friend from college. It’s not a knock to my sorority. I just don’t let Greek life still consume my life when I’ve been out in the real world.
I’m not saying that I let my fraternity still define who I am in post grad life, but it was an important part of my life for 4 years and it’s not something that I would ever not care about.
Not sure I would do RTJ for a bachelor party. They can be pretty uppity at most of the courses, at least the one in my hometown is.
Any recommendations in the Alabama/Louisiana areas?