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I wrote this post not to incense, but to encourage dialogue. Like every other kid that grew up in the ‘90s and early 2000s, cereal was and still is a big part of my life. People give millennials a lot of shit, saying our generation is too lazy to eat cereal because we have to clean up after ourselves, never mind that breakfast is the most skipped meal. I think most of us can handle pouring some water into the bowl and putting it in the dishwasher, but that’s a whole different can of worms.
In general (mills), cereal is versatile. I still eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, dinner and sometimes dessert because I am an adult and I am no longer shackled by whatever my parents bought that was on sale. With great power comes great responsibility, but as a taxpaying American, I can buy whatever and however much I want. As someone that has, in fact, bought and eaten a lot of cereal, I felt it my duty to give a top ten for the masses.
10. Geriatric Cereals
This includes Kixx, Life, Cheerios, Special K, Cornflakes and whatever else the elderly eat. My grandparents always had two or more of each of these on hand. Both of my parents worked so I spent quite a lot of time at either of my grandmother’s house. It sucked when one of my grandmothers was too lazy to whip up some eggs or grilled cheese and gave me some Life cereal from her private stock. I did not include Raisin Bran, although it is technically a geriatric cereal because it is actually pretty good.
9. Rice Krispies
It’s puffed rice. They are way better in treat form. That’s it. Next.
8. Cap’n Crunch
Original Captain Crunch is the Thin Mints of cereal. I have no idea how people like this stuff. If I wanted the roof of my mouth of my mouth flayed, I’d eat insulation. The Crunchberry version tastes like dehydrated strawberries that NASA astronauts eat. There are a few varieties of the Cap’n that aren’t complete shit, like Peanut Butter Crunch, they are nothing to write home about (unless you’re CC Sabathia and lost 25 lbs. by not eating Cap’n Crunch).
7. Frosted Flakes
Frosted Flakes are a dressed up version of Cornflakes. I imagine Kellogg’s had huge stockpiles of Cornflakes laying around and some CEO said, “Hey let’s put some sugar on this geriatric cereal that no one is buying and hopefully the kids will love it!” They even put Tony the Tiger on it to try to close the deal. Fucking lazy ass Tiger and his catchphrase, I wonder how much they paid some pencil dick to think of “They’re Grrrreat!” The only good part about Tony the Tiger was the Tourette’s Guy’s shirt (which I got drunk and was in a bidding war on eBay for and won for $56). Tony’s phrase should have been, “They’re OOKKKKK!”
6. Lucky Charms
I’ll probably get crucified for this one. Don’t get me wrong, Lucky Charms are good. Everyone loves the marshmallows, but the actual cereal is bland and the milk after is diabeetus in a bowl. Lucky the Leprechaun is also a fucking dick, running away from all the kids after his Lucky Charms. I’m glad all the kids robbed his ass of his hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Fuck yo couch, Lucky.
5. Fruit Loops
Toucan Sam was one of the more baller cereal mascots. Fruit loops are also a staple for any kid. I remember many a Saturday morning in front of the TV, watching Batman the Animated Series. This cereal was delicious without the frills, as they were quite literally fruit-flavored loops. No gimmick, no bullshit, just loops that were fruit-flavored.
4. Waffle Crisp
Who doesn’t love waffles? While this is now some budget bullshit, the original Waffle Crisp was awesome. I used to crush this stuff. The taste spoke for itself, the high fructose corn syrup imitation maple syrup was unparalleled. For a trip down memory lane, they also had great commercials where old ladies pretended to be kids and steal back their cereal. What is it with cereal and thievery?
3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Now we’re down to the meat and potatoes. These things were certified greatness by my old stoner roommates in college. They’d go through pallets of this shit, eating it with their faces so close to the milk and cereal, I wondered why they didn’t forgo the spoon and drink it or make a smoothie. Safe to say, CTC is great whether you like it fresh from the box with a crunch, or if you like it soggy. I prefer mine on the fresher side but to each their own.
2. Reese’s Puffs
This shouldn’t surprise anyone. I’m a big fan of the chocolate and peanut butter combo. Anytime these are 2 for $4, I buy their entire stock because they are delicious. You can eat these dry, which is still good, or with milk, which is amazing. I’ve eaten entire boxes before and didn’t feel an ounce of guilt. There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.
1. Count Chocula
By far the best cereal. Before you get up in arms, please, read with an open mind.
What makes Count Chocula so good is it combines the best parts of several other cereals. Rather than the bland shit cereal of Lucky Charms, you get chocolate cereal like Cocoa Puffs, the marshmallows of Lucky Charms except they are spooky and not some stupid shit charm garbage, and after you’re all done, you can polish off the bowl with a nice helping of chocolate milk. The Count is also a pretty chill dude and definitely the coolest of the monster brand cereals, not like those Boo Berry posers. Not only that, it is pretty rare, only appearing during Halloween. You can bet your bottom dollar I clean out Kroger and stow a few boxes away for later. Everyone who knows me knows I love Count Chocula. My aunt used to buy me boxes of this when I was in college and used these to spread my doctrine of Count Chocula to anyone that would listen.
Feel free to agree, disagree or tell me how much of a piece of shit I am in the comments, but you’ll never change my mind..
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the shit.
Yuuup CTC is the best. Hands down
Also (supposedly) gives you awesome dreams. I try to have a bowl every night (yes, I know not everyone can have such healthy heating habits, but it’s worth it)
It’s like crack to me, I could eat CTC until I was sick. Even the leftover milk is damn perfection.
Fruity Pebbles should 100% be on this list.
Fruity Pebbles is my childhood MVP. They taste great plain, in treat form, and they leave the best milk behind.
Change your world and make some fruity pebbles rice krispy treats. bomb.
Wow. Not having Frosted Mini-Wheats on the list. Glaring omission.
File under “geriatric cereals”
Waiting for Duda to write a post hating on all of these and saying, “granola or bust.”
Duda would hate cereal.
CoooooOOOkie Crisp!
The cereal all your friends seemed to have growing up, but your own mom would never buy.
It’s supposed to make you look like the Cookie Crisp wizard! Which is not even a reference I get because the Cookie Crisp mascot when I was a kid wasn’t a wizard, it was a burglar!
I think I’m aging myself down a lot here, but isn’t the mascot a wolf?!
Wolf-dog. Think Balto.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
I too am a level 5 laser lotus. Are you going to the next summit?
Upset that Cheerios gets nothing
Yes! Honey nut cheerios are dope. Also, sup?
Cheerios actually did at #10 with Geriatric Cereals
How dare you
Add Raisin Bran to your geriatric cereals. My grandma’s favorite. Very good for keeping you “regular.”
LOL just saw your comment about it… nvm you crack me up.
My grandma’s favorite was Product 19. Miss you Grandma.
The milk after a bowl of frosted Cheerios is just perfection.
T&P’s for your tastebuds
Golden Grahams are easily Top 5 material
Fact.
Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds
more like Honey Bunches of GOAT
It was a good week when that made it into the grocery cart!
I am a total chocolate fiend so I dig your top 2. If I had to pick a favorite I’d go with Cocoa Pebbles. I like the chocolate they use and the fact that they’re more dense than something like Cocoa Puffs.
The Oreo cereal is hands down the best shit ever. Not a bad list though Madoff.
The only place you could get Oreo O’s for about ten years was South Korea. They just came back though, so I’m gonna have to scoop a box.
I remember my first year in dorms, they had a HUGE boxed cereal selection in the cafs. But, without fail, Oreo Os wouldn’t make it past the meal that the fresh box was put out for. It was like winning the lottery if you got a bowl, to say nothing of being the one with the honor of opening the box.
This is it. Madoff must’ve never had them. Has to be the only explanation for its absence on this list