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We live in a world filled with truly awful headlines. And I’m not talking about headlines about war, famine, or whatever else you’re likely to see when you turn on cable news. I’m talking about headlines like, “This Will Make You Look Coachella AF” and “Why Stalking Your Ex On Social Media After A Breakup Is The Best Kind Of Therapy,” which you can respectively find on the front pages of both Cosmo and Elite Daily right now. You could even classify the above headline of the column you’re currently reading in that category, but I don’t because I wholeheartedly mean exactly what I wrote there.

But even in a world where clickbait and hyperbole reign supreme, the cream still rises.

The cream, in this case, is a column from The New York Post titled “Why I Won’t Date Hot Women Anymore” about a man named Dan Rochkind, who takes us through the trials and tribulations of how difficult his thirties were where all he did was have all the sex with all the hot women in Manhattan.

This obviously required the full breakdown treatment, per The New York Post.

Why I Won’t Date Hot Women Anymore

When it came to dating in New York as a 30-something executive in private equity, Dan Rochkind had no problem snagging the city’s most beautiful women.

Early on, The New York Post makes ticks all the boxes: New York (surprised they didn’t clarify Manhattan), 30s, executive, private equity, and a dude named “Dan,” the third most-tool name next to only Brad and Chad. It’s underrated that in The New York Post’s featured image, Dan Rochkind is drinking what appears to be an Angry Orchard hard apple cider.

“I could have [anyone] I wanted,” says Rochkind, now 40 and an Upper West Sider with a muscular build and a full head of hair. “I met some nice people, but realistically I went for the hottest girl you could find.”

Aside from his incredible quotes, it’s even more incredible that The New York Post found this guy and was like, “Yep, we need to do an entire exposé on him.” This entire piece is just a giant humblebrag or attempt to neg his current wife, who we’ll get to in a second after we finish talking about his luscious hair and muscular frame. Oh, and did we mention he had a lot of sex with a lot of babes? Because don’t worry, if they haven’t made that clear yet, they will.

He spent the better part of his 30s going on up to three dates a week, courting 20-something blond models, but eventually realized that dating the prettiest young things had its drawbacks — he found them flighty, selfish and vapid.

Yeah, these girls were flighty, selfish, and vapid. Real rich coming from a guy who accepted doing an entire puff piece on how much ass he crushed in his thirties. I might say this a hundred times, but I still cannot fathom why this piece exists. Maybe I’m just being flighty.

“Beautiful women who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves,” he says. “Eventually, I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation.”

I’m imagining him saying this quote while sitting at a barstool with complete manspread happening while polishing off the first of many Angry Orchards. We’ve got ourselves a real life Casanova over here talking about how the 10s he’s taken down are full of themselves. Meanwhile, he’s just petting his ego like an angry villain would pet their hairless cat laughing at the world that he has by the balls.

According to new research, Rochkind’s ideas about sexy bikini babes are correct. A multipart study from Harvard University, University of La Verne and Santa Clara University researchers found that beautiful people are more likely to be involved in unstable relationships. In one part, the researchers looked at the top 20 actresses on IMDb and found that they tend to have rocky marriages. In another, women were asked to judge the attractiveness of 238 men based on their high school yearbook photos from 30 years ago. The men who were judged to be the best-looking had higher rates of divorce.

No offense, New York Post, but stop trying to back up this turd’s claims about the girls he’s run through with your half-ass research. Hopping on IMDB and seeing Jennifer Aniston got divorced isn’t exactly groundbreaking stuff. Celebrity relationships don’t work out because they’re not willing to give up the spotlight and compromise with another person – not because they’re good looking. But let’s get back to Dan, who isn’t yet done talking about how arduous his thirties were while he was on a tear through the hottest models Manhattan had to offer.

Looking to avoid such a fate, Rochkind started dating a woman who isn’t a bikini model, Carly Spindel, in January 2015. The two are now happily engaged.

For those of you not familiar with the term “negging,” it’s defined as follows: “a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine their confidence in a way that gains approval.” This entire column is one elaborate neg that he’s put into action in order to gain ultimate supremacy over his wife, who appears to be beautiful based on the photo used by The Post.

The two met after Spindel’s mother, matchmaker Janis Spindel, scouted Rochkind at a gym.

Apparently, yes, there are actual matchmakers out there. This somehow makes it worse. Not because his wife’s mom as scouting him at the gym, but because this douchebag not only has the approval of his wife’s mother, but she fucking set them up. What mom in their right mind is like, “I want my daughter to marry this dude who tapped into every leggy blonde in New York”?

“I gave him my card and said I have the perfect girl for him,” recalls Janis, founder of Serious Matchmaking, based in Midtown. “Successful men who are in shape have the pickings when it comes to dating, [but] eventually they want a woman of substance.”

We get it, lady. You raised a daughter that’s more than just a great smile and eyes like the sunrise. She’s also now being featured in a column about how much sex her husband used to have which almost negates every good quality she possesses.

Rochkind found that in Carly, 30, a lovely brunette who’s the vice president of her mother’s matchmaking company and a Syracuse University graduate. Rochkind proposed to her last May in Central Park. He loves that Carly isn’t like the swimsuit models he used to go for.

“He loves that Carly isn’t like the swimsuit models he used to go for,” might be the quote of the article, and as you’ve already read, this article is just spewing cringe-worthy quotes at a rapid clip. I need to see an honest breakdown of how many “swimsuit” models this guy used to date. I’m just imagining him dating Hooters waitresses three nights a week and then keeping them in a file somewhere.

“Yep, another swimsuit model down. Let’s file this right behind the runway model I took to drinks last week, which is right above the hand model that I went to second base with on my cab ride home after a successful day of closing deals and lifting weights.”

“[She] is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, and she’s very elegant,” Rochkind says. “And she’s 5-foot-2, so she can’t be a runway model, but I think she’s really beautiful and is prettier than anyone I’ve dated.”

“I think” is the key phrase here to focus on, which will be difficult given the fact that he just criticized his wife’s height and compared her to runway models. But the “I think” hurts because he’s not even going all in on this. He’s leaving it open just in case his brain can somehow comb through the troughs of women he’s been with and remembers, “Oh, yeah, I forgot about Tiffany in ’09 – she was definitely prettier than you, babe. And she was 5’10”, which means she could probably do runway. Unlike you, the 5’2″ troll that I’ve settled for after a decade of making love to 10s.”

Carly has no qualms about how her future husband views her compared with his exes.

This guy must make a lot of coin in the private equity biz to make her her back on this shit.

“When men get to a certain age, they realize that it’s important to meet a life partner that they connect with,” she says. “Looks fade.”

Yeah, looks do fade. So talk to me in ten years with this self-inflated dude dumps you for a cocktail waitress he met in Vegas.

Some great-looking people say they’re given a bad rap unfairly.

Must be real hard for those stunning people to get written off because of their incredible looks. So many people feel so fucking bad for you.

Rochkind is enthusiastic about his decision to give up high-maintenance hotties.

“High-maintenence hotties.” Man, those must’ve been hard to give up, Danny Boy. Not sure how you managed, as a 40-year-old man, to stop dating 25-year-old models who only wanted you for your looks and money. That must’ve been such a trying time in your life. At least you rebounded with a someone you’ve deemed acceptable and okay looking. You know, despite the fact that she’s gorgeous.

“There’s something to be said about sowing your wild oats and getting them out of your system,” says Rochkind, who will marry Carly in June at a “Tuscan-romantic” ceremony at the Wölffer Estate Vineyard in the Hamptons. But he doesn’t regret his past.

1. “Getting them out of your system” is a phenomenal way for him to say, “I was super horned up and tried to take down everything in my path.”

2. “Tuscan-romantic” made me want to hack into Pinterest and take down their entire site.

3. He would get married in The Hamptons. Please, for the love of God, get written up by The New York Times. I’ve never needed to break down a marriage announcement like I need to break down this guy’s marriage announcement.

“You don’t want to be the first to leave the party, but you don’t want to leave the party too late either,” he says. “Carly came at exactly the right time.”

This quote is legitimately saying, “You never want to stop having sex with 10s, but you can’t do it forever so I guess I’ll marry my mediocre wife and revel in my past. You know, the past where I had a ton of sex with a ton of 10s.”

Fuck you, Dan. .

Image via YouTube

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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