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There she stood.
Raindrops trickled over the lululemon decal logo that adorned the front of the store. Peering down at her Apple Watch, she turned to her new coworker and manager, Brittany, to ask a question she’d been wondering for the last half hour.
“So, like, does every day go by this slowly?”
Brittany had just gotten done clearing out a dressing room and had now moved on to re-hanging several pairs of yoga pants that they’d received before closing the night before. Hesitating to answer, Brittany never made eye contact and remained focused on the task at hand.
After a few moments of silence, she turned and stated, “I mean, it’s only 11:30. Can you bring that box over here so I can make sure all sizes are out?”
She sighed and set her phone down next to the Point of Sale only to walk about ten steps to where the desired box rested next to a display of yoga mats. Bending over to pick it up, she made sure not to use her fingertips for fear of the day before’s manicure being ruined. Unable to actually get the box in the air, she finally resorted to shuffling it across the ground while two customers who had just entered watched from afar.
“Welcome in, ladies!” Brittany said from her footstool. “Let us know if you need anything!”
“It’s just, like, this is sooooo boooooring,” she explained to Brittany, who immediately gave her a “why are you saying this in front of customers?” look. “I mean, I thought sitting in front of a computer at my last job was bad, but this is a million times worse.”
Brittany walked over to the two women who were each holding a few articles of clothing.
“Can I start a dressing room for you?” she asked while reaching out to take the Wunder Under Hi-Rise 7/8 Tights. They handed over their crop while Brittany relayed to them, “I’m putting you in these dressing rooms right here –– let me know if you need anything else!”
“You know,” Brittany began to lecture with a whisper as she walked back to checkout, “We really aren’t supposed to be on our phones much when we’re on the salesfloor.”
Unable to take the hint with her eyes still fixated on a yoga influencer’s Instagram, she responded, “I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything else right now.”
“I know,” Brittany affirmed, “But it is policy.”
“This fucking sucks,” she texted Todd before putting her phone face down next to the keyboard. She could somewhat tell that her manager wasn’t completely thrilled with her first-day performance. Not only was she fearing repercussions, but she knew she wanted to get something at discount before leaving that day. Not being in good standing would only diminish her chances of making that happen.
“So, like Brit,” she started with a brand new tone and demeanor, “Tell me about yourself.”
“Wellllll,” Brittany hesitated, “I just moved here a few months ago with my boyfriend. I’m a certified yoga instructor and––”
“Oh my God!” she belted out. “I’m sooo into that. Some of my besties and I are actually doing a yoga retreat in Big Sur next month with some influencers if you’re interested! It’s totes not that expensive considering what you get out of it, and it, like, is sooooo up your alley.”
“I’m not sure I’ve got the vacation days here to swing that, unfortunately,” Brittany lamented before asking the customers, “Need any other sizes or styles, ladies?” Unfortunately for Brittany, both customers declined and the conversation droned on.
“Ew, you have to get vacay days approved here?”
Brittany, resisting all attempts to roll her eyes, went back to the re-hanging project she’d started before the customers came on. “Well, my fiancé and I are actually saving up for our wedding, so it’s probably not the best idea for me to be taking vacation right now.”
“Fiancé?!” she shouted with giddiness. “OMG, dish. Can I see your ring?”
She skipped over to Brittany and immediately grabbed her left hand. Expecting more, she was stunned by the relatively small size of the ring. Her immediate reaction was to ask, “Where’s the rest of it?” but opted for, “This is, like, so you, Brittany.”
Brittany tore her hand away and kept hanging the clothes.
“When’s the big day?” she further inquired.
“June 17th –– can you hand me those hangers?” she responded.
“Fine, Brit,” she said while grabbing the hangers. “I can take a hint, you don’t want to talk about your wedding.”
Brittany, again without making eye contact, resorted to saying, “You know, we probably won’t be that busy today and Courtney is coming in at lunch for her shift – you can probably just work a half-day if you want.”
“Wait, seriously?”
“Yeah, it’s really not a big deal at all.”
“Ugh, that would be amaze,” she answered while immediately throwing her handbag over her shoulder. “I was going to try to meet a friend for a smoothie date over lunch –– should I just go now?”
“Totally! I’ll text you with your schedule later this week.”
After zipping up her raincoat, she looked out the door and noticed a slight drizzle. After debating calling an Uber to take her the five blocks to Juice Factory, she decide it would be prudent for her day’s steps to walk. “Bye, Brittany!” she yelled while walking out the door, pulling her phone out of her bag.
“Siri, call Caroline,” she yelled into her phone while beginning her walk.
“Calling Caroline.”
“Ugh, hey girl,” she promptly said after Caroline answered. “That was my version of hell.” .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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TOTALLY delusional Girl reminds me of ‘Crazy Bernie’ Sanders. Never WORKED a real day in their lives – No surprise. However, the completely biased FAKE news liberal media will spread LIES with no sources and tell you Girl is right about new job. She probably expects her job discount there should be free. WRONG!
This might be the most punchable version of Girl yet. We need more Chronicles of Todd that offer further insight into his psyche on why he puts up with her. Or is he just as delusional as she is and just doesn’t see it. Or is she just a complete ‘dragon in the sack’ as Duda would say?
She must be a smoke show. Also, maybe Todd is playing the long game to get a sweetheart son-in-law spot working for Girl’s dad. #TotalJaredKushnerMove
The long game theory totally explains Todd’s actions.
I can’t wait until President Trump says during some TV interview, “yeah, my handle on PGP is ‘realDonaldTrump’. I’m always getting tons of likes for my excellent comments.”
They are terrific comments, believe me, folks. Everyone agrees, nobody can comment like realDonaldTrump. His comments get easily a million likes, sometimes a million and a half. So believe me, there’s no doubt about the comments, they’re the best.
It’s real Donald Trump. With the spaces. realDonaldTrump without spaces is my intern
You are fake news
Just delete your user name, you’re a terrible Trump.
God I hate Russian hacker trolls like you so much
These never disappoint
Eh…
“Totally! I’ll text you with your schedule later this week.”
Someone got fired.
Probably not. Brittany seems like the manager you can just walk all over based on her suggestion to girl to get off of her phone rather than telling her
Dollars to donuts Britt is going to ghost girl out of this job (i.e. not text her a schedule for the next week, and just keep putting it off if Girl asks again).
I don’t think anyone has ever “told” anything to Girl in her entire life.
Daddy never nipped her entitlement in the bud because “she’s a princess.”
Sarge, not exactly true. Lulu is definitely the place that would hire passive aggressive managers who say one thing they but mean another.
*Permanently banned
I didn’t think this was possible but you’ve created a character that’s even more unlikeable than Dolores Umbridge
And the depressing thing is that everyone knows an Umbridge and Girl in their lives.
The most depressing thing is if I was a character in this hellish world, I’m Girl’s former co-worker/college friend who’s been desperately wanting to fuck her for years.
No matter how good the sex would be, it does not seem like it would be worth the constant spike in your blood pressure or second-hand embarrassment.
“It’s just like, maybe retail isn’t the right place for me. I want to work somewhere that has an IMPACT, ya know? Like I would hate for my talents to be wasted hanging up clothes when I could totes make the world a better place. Anyways, did you see Alex? She’s gotten fat as shit.”
Next week: Things Girls Do After Graduation: Get Fired
Funemployment: Part II
By Todd
A smart hedge by Todd would be to short NASDAQ: LULU.
Also, be kind to the good Brittanys of the world. Retail is a fucking bitch.
very topical ahead of earnings this afternoon
I bet Claire has a great job.
Accurate
Claire seems like the type to have a decent little marketing job or a real estate license. Not enough to pull in big bucks, but she’ll back it up by being a damn good cook and generous lover
I get more teacher vibes from her.
Every week I think Girl can’t get any worse and every week she does.
Three. Three separate times I actually had to stop reading the article for a minute because I was so irritated at her attitude. God I hate Girl with the fiery passion of the entire US nuclear arsenal.
I had to stop a few times and resist the urge to just skip to the comments. I hate people that cannot pick up on social cues.
If she doesn’t get fired, she will just quit when she can’t get a full week off for her yoga retreat.