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Some people can fly cast the perfect loop. Others can play Snake until the screen can’t physically sustain how long the snake has actually gotten. But me? I have a God-given (or inherited from my father) talent that I never knew would come in handy until I heard the horror stories from friends and family alike from their own experiences. It has nothing to do with mincing garlic or being able to dissect the stock market – it has everything to do with being the best first date a girl has ever laid her eyes on. For what you may lack in looks or confidence, there are certain steps one must take in order to ensure you get off on the right foot.
If you follow these tried and true rules, it’s all downhill after the first date. Well, more so than it already was.
Rule No. 1: Don’t wash your hair for two days prior.
There are three times when your hair looks the worst: immediately upon waking up, immediately upon being cut, and immediately upon being washed. Any dates scheduled when your flow isn’t on point? Cancel your reservation and get a raincheck.
Everyone knows that you’re not supposed to wash your hair every single day, or even every other day. By allowing your lettuce to build up a little natural dressing, you’ll achieve a sheen that even the worst of first dates will remember fondly. Mix in some day-old pomade and you’ve got a lethal combination that’ll make even the hostess to a double-take. Sure, “if she can’t handle you at your worst, she can’t handle you at your best,” or whatever. But have some self-respect and skip some shampoo.
Rule No. 2: Select a neutral location.
You don’t want any awkward run-ins. You want a safe haven to get your first date game momentum going.
Me? I’m picking somewhere that we can eat al-fuckin-fresco, or I’m picking a place with dim lighting that says, “I’m setting the mood while also trying to hide any potential blemishes that either you or I have.” Love me or hate me, you can’t deny that I’m a people pleaser. But if you roll two-deep into a restaurant where your boys (or girls) decide to post up in an effort to embarrass you, it’s going to be a dead giveaway that you’re still an immature piece of shit. You need to save that information for the fifth date, at the earliest.
Rule No. 3: Get boozy.
There’s no excuse to be sober on a date. Well, that is, unless you’re actually sober, but that’s beside the point.
While you’re getting ready and listening to music on your iPad while you shower, have a tumbler of something sitting on your bathroom sink ready to rip while you fix your hair and over-scrutinize your blemishes. While you’re on the date, get on the train and invite your counterpart along with you. Is there a chance you could possibly make a fool of yourself by underestimating the power of the restaurant’s 13-dollar old-fashioneds? Absolutely. But there’s also an equal chance she’s going to do the same when that fourth glass of prosecco arrives and both of you wonder, “Is this the best idea?”
At the risk of quoting the most over-quoted line in the history of quoted lines: “And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?” Those bad decisions could range from revealing too much about yourself or having a back-alley makeout session, but either way, bad decisions are something to bond over when you’re grasping at straws the next day trying to figure out what to text.
Rule No. 4: “Be prepared.” – Scar, The Lion King
Our parents had dance cards and blind dates. We have Google, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Tumblr. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you give me someone’s name and a photo, I can learn their life story in twenty minutes. If you’re not on your date’s Facebook within five minutes of matching them on Bumble, you’re wasting the information that could possibly be right at your fingertips. In her mind (and on Pinterest), she already has her wedding planned so you might as well get that sort of negotiation out the way before she gets out of her Uber while you nervously wait at the bar stirring your drink.
Besides, if her aesthetic on Instagram is garbage or she doesn’t get a lot of likes, get out before you get in. There’s probably something wrong with her.
Rule No. 5: Plan for the future.
No, you fucking Turd. I don’t mean your future together with one another. I mean your exit strategy should things go south (or should things go too well). Do you want to be the guy forking over another $40 for an extra couple rounds of drinks after dinner at a nearby bar when you already know you’re going to unmatch her within minutes of walking into your studio apartment? No, you don’t. And do you want to be the guy walking into work wearing the exact same thing into work the next day because you woke up at her place with a headache and phone with no battery? Again – no, you don’t. Okay, well maybe you do because your work boys will high-five you but that’s neither here nor there. Slobs don’t get promotions; responsible dudes with seemingly normal girlfriends do.
Whether you need to ensure that you’re falling asleep in your own bed or you need to fake a Saturday morning round of golf in the middle of February, proper preparation prevents poor performance. Just make sure you pay for her to get an Uber home to prove that chivalry, in fact, is not dead.
Rule No. 6: Slow and steady.
You’re ordering the chicken or the steak. Or the sushi, because everyone knows that sushi first dates are the best kind of first dates. But if you muffed that one and find yourself sitting at a mediocre three-and-a-half star French restaurant with the second cheapest bottle of wine in front of you, just remember – slow and steady wins the race. Hear me out.
The real reasons behind slow-eating your date are as follows: you make her question the speed at which she’s eating which immediately puts you in the driver’s seat. By taking time between bites, you give yourself the opportunity to run the conversation in the direction that you want it to go. Most importantly, you extend the date beyond a quick 45-minute dinner and into the territory of “you know, we really got to know each other.”
Yeah, those three reasons made you initially think, “That’s an asshole move” but then finished off with you saying, “Aww, that’s so sweet.” Broke you down so I could build you back up. Not that you needed it, because you haven’t washed your hair in a couple days and it looks incredible. .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
This whole “don’t wash every day” trend is new to me and highly upsetting
I just changed from everyday to twice a week and I like it a lot. The key is to use conditioner on the off days
What if you have fine hair? Mine gets greasy and definitely requires suds daily.
Can’t help you out man I have thick genetically superior hair; it’s a curse and a blessing.
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God damnit, Millie, not now! I’m trying to figure out how to make my hair look good.
dry shampoo. “Not Your Mother’s” (ignore the name) will give you volume too without looking like you used product so you can play off a full head of thick hair for $6 a can.
NYM is my favorite. Also, the more you start going between washes, the faster your hair adjusts. In college I would have to wash my hair every day, but I now I can stretch a blow out to three days, four if I’m lucky.
I’m in the same boat. One day, especially in the Houston heat, and I could style my hair with all the grease
Look into dry shampoo.
Had the same issue with my hair. Your hair produces more oil cause it gets dried out from the shampoo every day. To ease the transition do a day normal and a day with a little until you can do every other. Haven’t tried to push it past this so not sure if it would work.
Moroccan Oil makes the best dry shampoo
you need to get with the program! i wash my hair like once a week (although i am a girl and i have long hair, so obvs that probably makes a difference).
Rule 1a Manscape
An optimist. Respect.
And clean your room/apartment. Back in my single days I found this increased my chances for some reason.
I will do the opposite of both of these knowing even slutty-drunk me will not bring a new guy home to a messy situation. Gotta outsmart yourself sometimes.
Do you always play home games though?
No, but I like going out in my neighborhood so I don’t have to worry about driving so my place is usually closer. Plus if it’s a grooming issue, it doesn’t matter if I’m home or away.
I should also say I judge the shit out of a guy if we hook up after a first date. It’s not fair at all, but I’m not going to want to date you after that. You’ve been put into the casual friend box.
Sup?
Most guys aren’t going to give a shit if they sleep with you and decided you want to be friends. You are a drunk girl at the bar they are thinking about banging you not dating you.
But we’re talking about first dates, not just going out and meeting a random. I’d like to think at least some of the guys I willfully make plans to go out on an actual date with would like to date me.
You are right, I thought you had diverged from the article. I’ll go back to my work now.
Just remember that I’m always right, and we’ll get along just fine. 🙂
It’s because of comments like that, that I will just want to sleep with you and not date you.
And it’s comments like that that will make me constantly need your approval. Dammit.
What if it’s good?
Same here. I always figured it was because I had nothing stopping me from trying to make something happen if I knew everything was clear on my end.
I think acting like it isn’t the first date works out well. Just being friendly while letting her yap away is the best course of action.
One thing I’ve learned in sales: People LOVE to talk about themselves. Just sit and nod and act interested before you try to close the deal.
Wow, act interested before you try to close the deal. How insightful, I’ve never thought of it that way, tell me more!
It’s easier said than done when you do it for a career
I know, I work in sales and have the attention span of a goldfish. I was referencing a southpark episode where jimmy tries to romance a prostitute
Was expecting to read more humble brags about you having a girlfriend.
What if you drunkenly hooked up prior to first date? needed help, think I did well however
My new approach is to draw out the conversation over a few days before actually meeting up. If I’m interested after a few days of just talking, its worth going to dinner. Dodged more than a few bullets this way and saved a ton.
Really could have used this last week, Will.
Of she’s quiet and introverted though?
I would also like to add being agreeable and upbeat/high energy.
To avoid awkward conversational lulls, lie and say that you watch that show, etc and then change the subject.
Why would you lie? Perfect opportunity (if you like them) to say you haven’t seen it, but maybe you could watch it together should things go further
Lying can really get the juices flowing. So I’ve heard.
Plus if you lie instead of sticking to your guns, even if you disagree, shows a lack of credibility if (when) she finds out, which is gonna give you major loss of points down the road.
I don’t think I have an IG aesthetic and I don’t know what to do
I make it a personal rule not to search any social media forms for their information so I don’t fact check them while we talk (just kidding, it’s so I don’t have a preconceived idea of them before we actually meet and they disappoint me in person) but that being said, since I don’t have Instagram and I’m not very active on Facebook, is that why my prospects have been declining lately?
I always do my social media search prior to any date because lots of people like to lie about being single. I prefer not to meet up with guys who have a fiancée or girlfriend. That’s just me though.
Frankly, what I do with my girlfriend is our business and our business only. Now that that’s out of the way, sup?
For the most part I try to do the same and not go on a stalking rampage prior to meeting them. I might look them up on facebook if I have their full name just to make sure I’m not being catfished. But, I do like having some mystery going into the date, and I’d rather not have formed any assumptions about them based off of their social media accounts.
If you matched on tinder/bumble and they have their job in their bio, it’s pretty easy to find them on facebook. That and if they give you their number, facebook will find them.
That may sound creepy but having been catfished before idgaf.