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Todd’s palms were sweaty as he took the afternoon elevator up to their apartment. He wanted to ensure he didn’t look too anxious when he walked in the door for fear of her being vulnerable with (what he imagined to be) their potential child on the way.
As he stood in front of the door, he took a deep breath and cracked his neck before holding his key up to the lock and walking in.
“Hey!” she exclaimed from the couch where she sat with her laptop and a rerun of Gossip Girl on the television.
He forced a smile and approached her. “Hey babe,” he began. “How’s everything going?”
“Ohhh, fine,” she said, clearly distracted by whatever was on the screen.
Todd didn’t want to delay the inevitable, so he took the remote and turned off the television. He sat on the edge of the couch and grabbed her hand.
“Okay, what did you want to tell me?”
She looked at the television and looked back at him with her mouth open.
“Why would you turn that off?” she asked in an annoyed tone. “That was Chuck’s dad’s funeral. Have some respect, Todd.”
Confused, Todd apologized and turned the television back on before asking yet again what her news was. She looked at him somewhat puzzled and ran her day through her head trying to figure out what she was supposed to say. Suddenly, a lightbulb went off.
“Oh! I was, like, going to start an Etsy store or something but when I went to the craft store, the girl working the register was a complete bitch so I just left and was like, ‘Totally never coming here again’ and got sushi with Caroline instead.”
A wave of relief hit Todd as he fell into the couch cushion and smiled to himself. If a celebration would have been appropriate at the time, he would’ve had one. His moment of zen was interrupted by her asking, “What did you think I was going to tell you? That I was pregnant or something? Ew, Todd. Get real.”
She almost seemed a little annoyed that her afternoon was interrupted by Todd taking work off. She took her hand out of his and reverted back to her laptop.
“What’re you looking at on there?” Todd inquired.
“It’s Club W,” she said. “A wine club where, like, you pay $13 per bottle and apparently the wine is really nice. I saw one from a vineyard earlier that was on Somm on Netflix so it’s like, yeah, it’s legit.”
Todd looked into the kitchen before also looking at their bar, noticing several bottles of unopened red, white, and rosè.
“Do we really need more wine?” he asked.
Without looking at him, she kept her eyes fixated on the screen and responded, “No, Todd, these prices are too good to pass up. And besides, I’ve already taken the test to make my palate profile so I can’t go back at this point.”
She knew that she actually could go back at that point, but also knew that Todd wouldn’t dispute her saying otherwise.
“Like, this will totally get us back into wine tasting again, and we barely brought anything home from Napa.”
Todd rolled his eyes while watching her read about the wines on the screen. He wanted to bring up the fact that he had drunkenly signed up for one vineyard’s subscription service while they were there, but he was so happy about her not being pregnant that he didn’t want to ruin the day with an afternoon of bickering.
“Whatever,” he said while kicking his feet up onto the chaise lounge. “Just make sure there’s a full-bodied cab in that box for me and I’ll pitch in.” He grabbed the remote and brought the cable menu up where he saw the ’98 Rose Bowl was being replayed on the Big 10 Network. But just as he highlighted the game and was about to click to watch, he was interrupted.
“Seriously, Todd, what the fuck are you doing? Chuck’s dad DIED. Don’t you need to go back to work or something? You’re SO annoying today.” .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I bet the series ends with a detective closing his case file with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth and a somber look on his face after Todd has spent this entire time recounting every moment that led up to the murder. As the detective gets up to leave, he tells himself that Todd was justified, gets to the door, looks back at Todd, and leaves the door unlocked for Todd in the interrogation room. Then the Chronicles of Todd: Fugitive begins.
New Fan Theory: The whole series is Todd talking to one of the following after Girl is no longer in his life, a la “Cather In The Rye” – Investigator, Therapist, Bartender. It’s all a matter of how dark Will wants to take this.
I really love that this series has evolved into us having Fan Theories.
Frankly, the fan theories are more interesting than the series actually is. I punish myself week after week thinking that there will be actual plot development instead of a huge load of snark from some stuck up bitch and the whimperings of a dickless, ball less sack of shit. Don’t get me wrong, I like the critique that’s displayed in this series, especially in regards to girl culture, but anytime something remotely interesting happens, it’s quickly forgotten about in the next week’s installment. It’s annoying. But whatever, I’ll keep coming back, week after week, because I’m fucking weak.
I’m giving Will way too much credit here but maybe that’s part of TGDAG’s message – good things happen, bad things happen, life goes on in perpetuity, and bitches just be bitches no matter what.
All of this rings true but we will all definitely be back next week…and secretly hope for a surprise Chronicles of Todd in the meantime.
Probably not the best idea, but could we please get a Chronicles of Sperry? We need to know what Sperry is thinking.
“I could’ve been a pit bull, and died in a fight. But noooooooooooooo, I’m *here.*”
This needs to happen.
I’ve made 68,000usd so far this year w0rking 0nline and I’m a full time student. I’m using an 0nline busineSS oPPortunity I heard about and I’ve made such great m0ney. It’s really user friendly and I’m just so happy that I found out about it. Here i am doing know…..
See Here——–> NetCash50.TK
Hilarious that he said he will “pitch in”. Who the fuck does he think is paying for Club W (not worth it by the way, I’d know)? For a dude who is clearly smart since he makes bank, Todd is the dumbest motherfucker I know.
I thought her dad was still bankrolling her life. I think his opinion is its easier than actually talking to her.
The Chronicles of Todd: Domestic Abuse
Like that he is being emotionally abused or the other one…
It’s up for interpretation.
AKA the most uplifting chapter in the TGDAG saga
#PrayforTodd
Working on it!
Maybe we should have someone else look into this, maybe a certain fellow downstairs.
That son of a bitch wants to keep her around, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
You suck
At this point, I’m sure Todd would love to join Chuck’s Dad.
Just end it all.
Finally, peace and quiet…
SPOILER ALERT Chuck’s dad isn’t really dead, just hiding.
Which is probably what you were referencing.
Nope, never saw Gossip Girl
If you watch it as if it is the tale of the coming of age of a young playboy billionaire its a much better show
Spoiler alert: “Gossip Girl” is Dan Humphries, and Dan Humphries is a dude.
Einhorn is Finkle.
Finkle is Einhorn.
Einhorn is a man.
We’re due for a huge one next week, don’t let us down Chill.
via GIPHY
Why?
Cuz why did she have to apologize
Honestly, it would be much more like the real world if let us way down. Think about it. How often do you get your hopes up that something is going to go your way, only to get crushed by the shittiness of reality, and then just look for an answer to your troubles at the bottom of a bottle? *Steel guitar twangs* (OR ALTERNATIVELY) *Sad Trombone*
Free Sperry
REM’s “End of the World” is streaming on my radio right now and it couldn’t be more fitting.
Todd should says he’s going back to work and just detour to the bar instead.
And so begins Todd’s gradual descent into full-blown alcoholism
Instead of cracking his neck Todd should have snapped his neck and put himself out of his own misery.