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Oddly enough, figuring out what do to in the bedroom (or in the back of the car, or in the handicapped stall at your company’s Christmas party) can be somewhat tricky. I mean, it’s not like we really ever learned what people like. We didn’t get a handbook, and sex-ed in our country is basically just like, “don’t have intercourse.” We had to cross our fingers that someone would let us touch their butts, hope they’d give us good feedback, and the rest was left to guesswork and the shit we’ve seen on porn.
Which means, of course, that lots of people have no idea what the hell they’re doing during sex. Calm down. Relax. We’ll get through this together. One of the first steps toward having a good sex life, and solid relationship, whether it be for a night or for a lifetime is learning how to communicate (cue: *eye-roll*) in bed.
So, last week I advised you all on the things you probably shouldn’t say to a woman in bed. And everyone was like “but WTF are we supposed to say?” Don’t worry, friends. I gotcha.
“You Look So Skinny/Tan/Sexy.”
Everyone loves a good compliment. And while the occasional “you have a great ass” or “wow, your tits (not “titties.” Never “titties”) are perfect” is fine in small doses, that’s not all we want to hear. Be more specific in your compliments in a way that makes a girl feel like she’s not just cliché body parts. Tell her how soft her skin is, how gorgeous her hair is, or how toned her stomach looks. Be specific, be sincere, and be hella complimentative.
“God, You Have The Best Body.”
The fact that she’s right in front of you, naked, is a miracle in itself. While there are some fabulously confident people out there, most of us need a little reassurance, especially when our rolls, bumps, and jiggly parts are out on display. Let her know that the thousands of dollars she spends on her barre membership is paying off, or that you love her curvy hips and big ole butt. Basically, assure her that you’re attracted, turned-on, and in awe of how truly smokin’ she is.
“You’re So Fucking Hot.”
I mean, hey. What’s not to love here? It’s bold, it’s slightly crass, and it gives everyone that *tingle.* You know. Down there.
“Holy Shit, You’re Beautiful.”
This sort of goes along with the previous statement but doesn’t give off the same vibe. You see, beautiful and hot are not the same thing. In fact, they’re profoundly different. “Hot” means she’s sexy, and you’re attracted to her. Which is good. That’s a solid compliment during sex. But a girl doesn’t want to be hot all the time. She wants to know that, while you do think she’s a total dime, you notice more about her than just her big boobs or her small waist. “Beautiful” is the whole package. “Beautiful” is something that’s all-inclusive. “Beautiful” just has more soul behind it.
“I Love You.”
Now, this is a big one. One that needs to be approached with extreme caution. First of all, you can’t say this for the first time during sex. That almost negates it. Second of all, you can’t say this too many times during sex, because it takes away the power of it. If you’ve been together awhile, if you’ve already said it, and if you do, in fact, love her, this can be a solid move. Hell, it’s even better if you’re truly feeling it at that moment. As things are getting passionate, pull back, cup your hand behind her neck, gaze into her eyes and earnestly say, “I love you, (insert her name here).” Do it once during and once after and just watch how much your life improves.
“You’re So Good At That.”
It doesn’t matter what, exactly, “that” is. Everyone just wants to be good at something. Whether it’s her impressive oral skills, the way she kisses, or the fact that she likes to do anything other than missionary, she deserves some recognition. Gush about how skilled she is and make her walk away feeling like a stud. Because yes, bitches want to feel like we’re good in bed, too.
*Some Solid Moans*
Now, if you ask what most girls prefer, this is the winner. Most of us don’t need a play-by-play, never-ending compliments, or excessive dirty talk. We just want to know that you’re liking what we’re doing, that we’re goddesses in the sack, and that you just can’t help yourself from letting out some noises. Keep them soft, don’t get too high pitched, and if you’ve ever heard it in porn, avoid it at all costs. Ultimately, when it comes to the hottest thing a guy can do with his mouth in bed, this is the biggest turn on. Well, I guess the second biggest turn on.
“I’m Gonna Order Us A Pizza.”
Honestly, however the sex goes, nothing is quite as beautiful as this phrase. Pull out your credit card, ask her what she wants, and throw in an extra order of breadsticks, just for good measure..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
“Turn around”
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming around.
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the fuckin look in your eyes
And I need you now tonight! I fuckin need you more than ever!
I don’t know if I can lie that many times in 30 seconds to a girl I met only hours ago at the bar.
Beat me to it.
Heard that before
“abuse me like a porto-potty at the state fair”
My most-used phrase in the last year: “Was that the baby?” Followed by the completion of silenced love making.
“You locked the door, right?”
We are a month or so away from that one, but I know it’s coming. That’s what she said.
“Did you make sure the kids are asleep?”
How many weeks along is she?
Our son is 11 months old
Congrats! The phrase just seemed equally applicable to conception to pregnancy to newborn, but in disparate ways.
“Sorry about the mess. Don’t move, let me get some baby wipes.”
Drop those panties, sugartits
“Fuck that’s good, you’re so sexy” *moans of pleasure* said to the slice of pizza
Can’t even trust your opinion on quality food, sexytime pointers seems like a stretch.
“Okay, your turn to be on top”
Great article, but you forgot, “God, I fucking hate shrimp!”