1. Smoking Sections In Restaurants
Oh, you want to smoke and eat at the same time like some sort of self-entitled asshole? Newsflash: this is America. And we regulate the shit out of everything now. Go puff and chew in your own home. Unless you happen to rent, then you probably can’t do that either.
2. Aging Gracefully
With age comes wisdom, experience…and wrinkles. I’ve heard a rumor that men and women once wore their wrinkles and laugh lines with pride, but those days are a thing of the past. Nowadays, women are pumping themselves with Botox and fillers are men are trading in their former high school sweetheart, Barbara, for the recent high school dropout, Britney.
3. Blockbuster Late Fees
The only thing more infuriating than having to pay $9 for a two-day VHS copy of Cruel Intentions that wasn’t even fully rewound, was having to pay $15 for bringing it back two hours late. Fuck you, Blockbuster. Actually, I think you’ve filed for Chapter 11 like seven times, so you really did fuck yourself. Good job.
4. The Supersize Option At McDonald’s
Remember the Supersize option? You know, the choice that allowed you to make your lunch go from unhealthy to a borderline flirtation with heart failure? Well, McDonalds began to phase it out in 2004, citing the need to offer healthier options. Shockingly, Americans haven’t gotten any less fat. Now bring back my extra large fries, you golden arch commies.
5. Passing Notes In Class
Remember how exciting it was to write a note to your 7th grade boyfriend using a piece of loose leaf and thirteen different colors of gel pens? You’d draw some hearts on it, fold it in an origami shape, and kiss it so your Wet ‘N Wild lip gloss would leave a stain. Then you’d pass it along, watching it weave in and out of the hands of your classmates, praying that your teacher, Mrs. Lee, didn’t spot it and read it aloud to the class. OMG. You would just die if everyone knew you and Eric kissed for the first time last night! How embarrassing. Well…that is a thing of the past. These days, kids are little sluts who are sexting and sending nude snapchats during gym class. Romance is dead, y’all. Also, parents, control your children.
With the invention of smart phones that literally provide the world (wide web) at our fingertips, pagers are unnecessary and useless. And you know, fucking lame. Who are you, Cher Horowitz? I don’t even think drug dealers use pagers anymore. Or do they? I don’t know. Someone do a little research and get back to me on that.
I was obsessed with my little animated Japanese friend for a whole three days. I fed it, bathed it, cared for it, and loved it…you know, until I got annoyed with its incessant yammering and let it starve to death. This irresponsibility on my part, coupled with the fact that I was happy when it died, is one of the main reasons that I am not actively pursuing becoming anyone’s mother anytime soon. But apparently not everyone shared in my complete ineptitude. You want to know why we’ll never again experience Tamagotchis? Because they’re being replaced by real life children. I mean, I couldn’t even keep a tiny, virtual dinosaur alive; good luck with your tiny human.