44 Things That Go Through Your Mind When You Meet “One-Night Stand” Material


Sometimes you’re not looking for Mr. Right. Sometimes you’re just looking for Mr. Alright-I-Guess-You’ll-Do.

  1. Well hello, stranger. I didn’t see you there standing in the corner surrounded by five of your closest friends and double the beer bottles.
  2. That is a lie. I saw you 15 minutes ago. You were the guy who bumped into me on my way out of the bathroom.
  3. Big hands. Big feet. Can’t lose.
  4. He’s at the bar. Now’s my chance to precariously wedge myself in between the masses and be close enough to order my [insert bomb] so I can show him I’m a great time.
  5. Oops, accidentally ordered one too many–maybe I should announce in his direction that I have a free bomb for the taking.
  6. And he bit. Thank God my mama taught me to be well-mannered.
  7. He just requested “Ignition (Remix)” from the DJ. It’s like he knows me.
  8. We just walked by his group and they all seem really nice except that Andrew guy. He was either shooting me some serious side-eye or has a really weird, drunken lazy eye. Can’t be sure.
  9. You’re going to go outside and smoke? Okay, cool. By the time you’re finished with that cigarette, I will have had just enough time to part the Red Sea that is the line to the ladies’ room.
  10. Let’s make sure my tits are in place and double check that I am definitely not on my period. Mother Nature is a cruel bitch sometimes.
  11. Oh, thank God.
  12. Did smoking that cigarette give you the confidence you needed to put your hand on the small of my back? And lean in? Oh, and kiss me?
  13. You taste like cigarettes and a bad decision.
  14. But yay, cigarettes! I’m fiending.
  15. “Wagon Wheel” is on. It’s game time.
  16. Oh, sure I guess I don’t mind riding with your friends. In an Altima.
  17. Can’t we just grab a cab and do inappropriate things in the back seat until we get to your place? Can you afford a cab?
  18. No? Clown car it is, then.
  19. This Andrew kid and I are about to be a lot closer than either of us originally planned tonight…
  20. Oh God. I remember hooking up with Andrew senior year and then he fell off the face of the Earth. It’s not drunken lazy eye.
  21. I wonder if this guy is better than Andrew in bed?
  22. “Can we stop by Taco Bell?”
  23. If I can remember where he lives in relation to this Taco Bell, I can use it as an escape route in the morning AND get a waffle taco for breakfast.
  24. Thank God, we’re here. I’m sure Andrew is just as happy to have my butt bone out of his thigh as I am to never have to touch him again.
  25. OMG PUPPY!
  26. You physically cannot take my panties off any faster than with Taco Bell and a puppy.
  27. Or I guess we could just sit in your living room and awkwardly eat this Taco Bell and be complete strangers.
  28. Is this how I’m going to die?
  29. “How far is this away from [insert widely known landmark here]?” Texts best friend: “Approx 4 miles from [place] with ‘Alex.’ If you don’t hear from me by x o’clock tomorrow morning, call on the search parties.”
  30. You don’t have to make the grand gesture of showing me your nightly routine. I’m here for the next six hours, tops.
  31. Just lie down in bed. He’ll get the hint.
  32. Why aren’t you getting the hint? I’ll even take off my shoes. See? I’m undressing myself. Let’s do this already.
  33. Eureka! The boy has a brain.
  34. We definitely have thoughts about your penis size just like you definitely have thoughts about our cup size. Sex is a two-edged sword.
  35. Nope.
  36. Yep.
  37. Go to sleep so I can text my friends about what just happened, set an alarm on vibrate, and take a cat nap.
  38. Are we dating? Don’t try to cuddle with me. You’re gross and sweaty and smell like beer and cigarettes.
  39. Fine. As long as you’re the big spoon so I can text and check Twitter.
  40. Where did my clothes go? I need to figure out the logistics of this before I make my move.
  41. Seriously, though, there are only so many places my panties can be, right?
  42. Nice puppy. Don’t bark. Go back to sleep. It’s going back to sleep and holy shit that’s adorable.
  43. Yes, cab company. I realize it’s an ungodly hour but I also realize that I only have 7 percent battery left. C’mon.
  44. Waffle taco, take me away.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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