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Saving for your retirement is a pretty big deal. If you don’t do it right, you could end up with a foreclosed house and stuck living in an apartment above your offspring’s garage. Sure, you get to spend more time with the grandkids, but you have to spend just as much time with your son-in-law, and that guy is a loser. You don’t want that. You want to be posted up on the lake with a nice, used pontoon docked out back. That’s the dream, and all you have to do is throw a couple hundred off each check into a 401K portfolio suggested by your employer. Hell, maybe they’ll even match up to 5%.
That just sounds boring though. Who wants a slow and secure path to being prepared for the future? Not me. Life is a thrill. An icon and personal hero of mine once said, “Life’s what you make it so let’s make it rock (let’s make it rock).” Fuck that 401K. Forget the IRA and that Roth dude. There’s only one exhilarating ride to a dope-ass retirement: winning the lottery.
I know what you’re thinking, “Wow this dude is an idiot.” And while I may actually be an idiot, I’m not stupid. This plan is foolproof. You’re not just going out and grabbing some Powerball numbers; there is an intricate strategy involved and you must abide by these rules:
Scratch-Offs Only
This is the easiest and most immediate lottery method, and it’s fun! What a fun way to add to the suspense of not knowing whether you are throwing away your hard-earned money or not! With each number, shape, and letter that you scratch, you are one step closer to losing your dough, making it big, or most of the time just winning your money back. Time to play again!
Variety
Never buy two of the same scratch off. This is just science. Scratch-offs are printed on a giant roll and then shipped off to the convenient store. Don’t ever get two consecutive tickets. They will never print two jackpot winners back to back. Get you a #3, #8, and #13.
Location, Location, Location
Get a couple random tickets from the 7-11. Then, head down the street approximately 47 seconds and you’ll find another 7-11. Get some more scratch-offs! Then, go through the stoplight to the convenience store caddy-cornered from the one where you currently are. You guessed it, it’s a 7-11! Your key to $50,000 could be inside!
Size Doesn’t Matter
It’s not about the size of the boat, it’s about the motion of the ocean. But if you want to buy yourself a really big boat, then you need to follow my rules. Don’t be buying the $20 tickets. Sure, the winnings are astronomically higher, but the chance of getting those is astronomically lower. We don’t want that. We want to win the war. You know how you win a war? One battle at a time baby. You should always buy one of every $1 scratch-off, a couple $2’s and $3’s, and one $5 for good measure. Diversify that $20 you were about to drop and reap the benefits. You’ll probably win your money back on one or two, make some profit off of one, and lose on the rest. As long as you net a profit, boom. That’s all I’m saying.
Invest Your Earnings
Imagine how stupid you would be if you won all this money from scratch-off tickets and then just stuck it to the side to have ready when you retired. Lame! You’ve gotta grow that money! You have to take what you make and make more with it! Don’t buy bonds or CDs, though, BUY MORE SCRATCH-OFFS BABY!
I understand you may have a family to feed or student loans to pay off. I understand I’m not a “financial advisor” and that there are many well-educated professionals that can also give you advice for your future. I also understand that they may think my idea is absolutely psychotic. All I’m saying is, you could have that dream boat and lots of fun scratching little card along the way. Who cares if you could lose all your money and end up with nothing saved, it’s not like that could even possibly happen. Just like a wise sage once said, “now she want a photo, you already know, though. You only live once. That’s the motto. YOLO.” Don’t be a follower, be a leader..
Image via Shutterstock
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@delph_13
@gdelph13
gdelph
I’ve heard the lottery described as the “voluntary tax for poor people” and I think that’s a pretty solid description of it.
I can understand buying a, as in one, ticket when it gets ridiculously high because you’re essentially paying for that thrill of “what if.” It’s when you’re buying it every week and actually think you’ll win… That’s you have a problem.
*stupid people
My parents always called it the “hope tax” which seemed both sad and true.
John Oliver had a really good (and sad) episode about this.
FYI, if you haven’t checked your 401k in a while, today is not the day to look.
Eh, Vanguard 500 Index Fund Admiral is down a bit but still up like 20% over last year.
Last year was pretty dope. Foreign is off ~1.5% today though.
Get back to us when we have a 10%+ hit.
I’m not retiring for 35 years and have employer match up to the level I’m currently investing so I will try not to worry about it when it does happen.
Word to the wise: only check your IRA/401k a few times a month. Otherwise you’ll get emotional and sell off valuable assets because of a bad day.
I check my personal investment account every afternoon purely for the thrill.
I check only the stocks I personally bought daily. The stuff I have invested through a manager I try to barely check at all.
So do I, but it’s not really the wisest thing to do.
Guys, I have to be an asshole but our generation probably isn’t going to retire even if you invest in a 401K properly and you have a company match. Debt has grown faster than the overall economy rate percentage and a lot of that debt (government, corporate, consumer) is virtually unpayable at this moment and interest rates are low. Imagine what’s going to happen with interest rates rise? That debt become a lot more expensive to pay back than it already is. The market is booming right now but a large correction is due and whem that happens civil unrest will be the new full-time job. Invest in uranium streaming companies because this next war is gonna be a nuclear one. It’s all about the gains, baby! Lol
Your comments are spectacular and incredibly dreary all at once. The average person is so stupid I’m amazed the world continues to function. But I suppose that’s how we got to the point of trump v Hillary, crypto traders, and the chainsmokers.
You’ll never catch me buying a lotto ticket.
I like to make my own money.
$1000 to $5000 a day?
I can’t tell if you’re being a try-hard or this is a porn industry joke.
Retirement gives me crazy anxiety. I logged into my retirement plan the other day and it said estimated monthly healthcare costs for my retirement year w/adjustment for inflation is 13k. My estimated monthly income if I retire at 67 is currently $800/month.
Something’s gotta give… and it can’t be anymore of my paycheck if I still want to pay rent. Gotta get that lottery money!!!!
If your employer doesnt off a match, find a new job. typically it takes 7 years for invested money to double, so instantly doubling your money gets you 7 years ahead. And since you have a lot of time until retirement age you can afford to take on significant risk in your investments, though maybe not scratch cards….
I’ve never bought a scratch off and the whole idea of it gives me anxiety. There are so many options?? It would be too obvious I don’t know what I’m doing so I just opt not to.
I always go with one of the Win for Life’s. I figure if I’m gonna hit it big, I’d like the steady paycheck that gives you.
Anybody else here get $20 of lottery tickets as a gift from a family member for your birthday as a kid? I did a lot and I rarely even cared most of the time not a single one hit paydirt. Damn, it was exhilarating.
scratch offs are the most underrated white elephant gift.
Someone should do an article on traditional vs Roth 401k/IRA
It’s pretty simple: unless you expect to be poorer when you retire than you are now, do Roth. Pay taxes at whatever rate you’re at now, have the growth and subsequent withdrawal in 40+ years be tax free. Also helps with planning because whatever amount is in there at any given point is whatever amount you’re going to get.
Only downside is the cap to Roth. So unless ~$5500 is your personal max, you need other avenues as well.
$18,000 cap on Roth 401k though.
Ahh I was discussing IRA. I guess if you’re investing over $23,500 combined, good for you.
If you’re maxing out your 401k and Roth IRA, do you really have post grad problems?
I don’t have an IRA – just an Roth 401k. I think when most people see “Roth,” they immediate jump to a Roth IRA and don’t think about a Roth 401k.
If your employer offers a 401k, then you definitely have the ability to do a Roth 401k since unlike a Roth/regular IRA, a Roth 401k is legally no different than a regular 401k. The only difference is that your contributions are after taxes have been taken out of your paycheck.
For real though, PGP needs an article about this for us more elderly, not trying to chase ass, PGPers.
Here’s the thing that trips me up and I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts. I am definitely poorer now than I will be in retirement, but my income is much higher now when I’m accumulating than when I’m living off of investments. Doesn’t that suggest I’m better off taking the tax benefit now?
No because 401k withdrawals upon retirement are taxed like regular income. So if you withdraw $100,000 for retirement in 2058, that $100,000 will be taxed at 2058 tax rates.
The other benefit is the investment growth. If you do a regular 401k/IRA, you’d have to pay taxes in the growth too. With a Roth, since you’ve already paid your taxes up front, all your investment earnings are tax-fee.
Fair points. I do tend to give some premium to tax benefits now vs later. Who knows what rates will be in 2058?
I cannot imagine any scenario where the tax rates in 2055 are lower than today. The federal debt will become an actual problem in the future and tax rates will go up to compensate. Capital gains will almost certainly be taxed more in the future.
Always do Roth. You’re at a lower tax bracket now, so pay the taxes now versus the higher amount you’ll pay when you’re older (and richer) with a traditional.
Bovada
My company doesn’t match my 401k. Should I stop contributing to it?
If the fees are above 15 basis points, yes. Open a Roth IRA with Vanguard and put your money in a Target Date fund there. Your fees will likely be lower and you’ll be investing after-tax dollars now while you’re in lower tax bracket rather than paying taxes on the money when you take it out at retirement at a higher marginal tax rate