33 Signs You’re Really A Raging Redneck At Heart

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Rednecks get a bad rap, mostly for good reason. They’re pegged as ultra-conservative gun nuts who think Obama is the Antichrist and gay people are what’s wrong with America…basically, anyone who’s ever been on “Doomsday Preppers”. I guess everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but at the same time, redneck tendencies are such a concentrated, boiled-down version of the typical American identity that you can’t help but unleash your inner redneck from time to time.

  1. You dip tobacco and find unfinished tins of Copenhagen everywhere — under your bed, in your car, in an old work bag. Everywhere.
  2. You’ve worn a Carhartt jacket into work.
  3. You have a Fourth of July budget.
  4. You DON’T have a Fourth of July budget.
  5. You’ve worn cowboy boots to work.
  6. You drink on your lawn at least twice a week.
  7. You make enough money to afford decent beer, but find yourself sticking with Busch Light and Coors yellow cans.
  8. Your greatest regret in life is never owning a truck.
  9. You shocked your coworkers at happy hour with a rather impassioned karaoke version of “You Never Even Called Me By My Name”.
  10. You have an emergency stash of Jim Beam and Red Man in your desk.
  11. You hate “Wagon Wheel”, but you’ve broken a table while drunkenly singing it.
  12. You got in trouble at work for explaining what a “Texas heart shot” is.
  13. You’ve put ketchup on a steak.
  14. You can afford lawncare, but still do it yourself.
  15. You have a thick, country accent that comes out when you’re around your family.
  16. You have a “Blue Collar Comedy” DVD lying around somewhere.
  17. You’ve worn camo in public.
  18. You’ve had to go shopping specifically for t-shirts because all the free ones you got in college don’t have sleeves on them anymore.
  19. You find stray bandanas everywhere.
  20. You’ve forged strong friendship bonds with someone after finding out that they also dip.
  21. You would sign up for Obamacare, but aren’t sure how your friends or family would react to it.
  22. Half of your vacation days are reserved for hunting seasons.
  23. You’ve unironically worn coveralls to a football game.
  24. You are a Kansas City Chiefs fan.
  25. You prefer playing on shitty municipal golf courses rather than private clubs because you can get way more hammered.
  26. You’ve bought a bumper sticker that says something like “Rehab is for quitters” or “How’s my driving? 1-800-FUCK-YOU”, but are too afraid to put it on your car.
  27. Your favorite spring break trip was to Daytona Beach.
  28. You’ve been to the infield of a NASCAR race, but justify it by saying you were “just there to party”.
  29. Your tentative retirement plans include a ranch somewhere in Big Sky Country.
  30. You have a smoker.
  31. You are a smoker.
  32. You can name at least two professional bull riders.
  33. You’ve soberly parked a car on someone’s lawn when there was a perfectly good parking spot nearby.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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