It’s tough to be a man’s man this early in life. When I think of a real man, I picture Ron Swanson from “Parks and Recreation.” Since I rarely shoot guns and I can’t grow facial hair, I’ve come up with this list to make myself and other stand up guys feel better about themselves. Being a man starts with being a nice guy.

1. Have confidence. Gretzky said that we miss all the shots we don’t take. True, but not good enough for me. I say that if you take half court shots all the time, you’ll make between 5 – 10% of them.
2. Always hit on the hottest girl in the bar. See above. Don’t go for the girl you know you can get, go for the girl that intimidates the shit out of you. Trust me, she wants you to come over to talk to her; using a wingman is acceptable.
3. Be genuine and stop playing games. If you want to take a girl home from the bar, say that into her ear as you’re buying her friend’s shots. It might not happen tonight, but it will soon. Honesty is refreshing.
4. Be unpredictable. Take a girl out to brunch and start with water and OJ. When your food arrives, tell your waiter that you want a triple vodka screwdriver.
5. Slip the waiter your credit card on your first trip to the bathroom and tell him/her to run it no matter what when you guys close out. This alleviates the awkward “I’ll pay for myself” nonsense that girls try to pull sometimes.
6. Be a selfless wingman. Enough said. Your ONLY job is to get your buddy laid. Forget about yourself for a night and just enjoy watching your buddy drunkenly stumble from lady to lady.
7. Eye contact. It’s a primal way of conveying attraction between males and females. Don’t be a creep about it, but every girl on the planet knows what you want to do with her when her eyes meet yours. If she looks away, move on. If she holds it for a second longer, go say hi within five minutes.
8. Have one pair of really nice shoes. Girls love shoes. Love them. I don’t understand it, but I don’t have to. All you have to do is buy a pair of classic brown leather loafers and let her judge you for having the sense to buy them and wear them in an appropriate setting. She’ll approve, and think highly of you.
9. Know when to ignore a text message. Everyone gets so caught up in this instant communication culture that we have perpetuated for ourselves. If someone freaks out over you not immediately responding to a text, tell that person to take a walk. Chill.
10. Make phone calls. Texting is weak. Phone calls are a great way to convey emotion, tone, and conversational timing. Texts are just words on a screen that can be misconstrued more often than not.
11. Write a letter once a month. Whether it’s to your grandmother, your girlfriend, or an old boss, everybody appreciates receiving a letter out of the blue from a familiar face or loved one, and they will remember you for a long time because of you stepping outside the technological box.
12. Honor the dead by telling a great story. We all want to be remembered when we’re gone. The best way to console someone who has lost a loved one is to tell a hilarious tale about how his or her Grandpa Chazz used to ride his bike over to the cemetery to pick up girls whose boyfriends had just died, before he met Grandma.
13. Respect your mother. Always.
14. Break the touch barrier. Figure out how to appropriately touch a girl in public, given the flow of your conversation and body positions. In my experience, any area from the elbow down or knee down (when sitting) conveys to the girl that you’re respectful, but are comfortable enough with her to go for it if she was down to clown.
15. Don’t use your phone in public. Headphones are okay, but I want to be the guy with his head up acknowledging other men who have read this list, not the dude mindlessly scrolling up and down his newsfeed.
16. Have one blatantly awesome childish obsession. Mine is Star Wars. And Lord of the Rings. And Harry Potter. Fuck it. All of those were awesome when we were kids and are still awesome now. Nerd culture is mainstream and a lot of girls I know think nerdy (and in shape) guys are sexy.
17. Floss. Figured I’d pass this one along. I once had a dentist tell me that just brushing your teeth missing 30-40% of the tooth’s surface area. I’m not a statistician, but if I trust the guy to knock me out and drill down into my jaw, I trust him enough to spend two minutes flossing everyday.
18. Know when to break the rules. I don’t have an airtight example right off hand, but sometimes it’s okay to make a memory or do something crazy once without getting caught. Weigh your odds, calculate your risks, and then just go for it.
19. Know when to follow the rules. By the same token, there are just some things that have to be done right. Pay bills and rent on time, don’t get into arguments with management, only eat fast food twice a month, etc. Some stuff just needs to be done correctly and consistently your entire life and there’s not much you can do about it.
20. Have a firm handshake. You’re gonna get nowhere in life as long as you’re slapping a dead fish in someone’s hand.
21. Share your blessings. Buy your friends dinner, buy your parents a trip, send a cool memento to an old professor. Do something, anything to show others your appreciation for the help and support that they’ve given you over the years to get you to where you are now. You should be happy to do so.
22. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Right now I want to be a writer full-time with benefits so I can quit my desk job and work from home. That’d be awesome; keep writing A-list shit like this article and it’s in the bag, obviously. However, I know that if I get fired tomorrow from my current job, I can pay rent and student loans for another two months, and that’s it. Calling mom and dad for help, fuck me. Dream big, but be practical.
23. Don’t be an idiot. I love a good quote from “The Office,” but this one sums it up. “When you’re about to do something, you should ask yourself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ If they would, then you probably shouldn’t do that thing.”