21 Ways To Commit Facebook Suicide

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When I was in college, Facebook was awesome. You had to have a “.edu” email address to gain membership, which meant no moms, no grandmas, and no godforsaken baby pictures. I’m talking about the Wild West days of Facebook when we could freely post the truth without fear of being shunned by REAL “friends.” Facebook sucks now. The overly politically correct attitude toward “responsible posting” has led me to consider pulling the trigger and deactivating my Facebook account for good, but if I decide to jump, I’m doing it with style. Here are 21 ways to commit Facebook suicide.

1. Use the iPhone 6 slow motion feature to post a video of yourself doing the “dick helicopter.”
2. Post “horrible genetics” as a comment on every baby picture you see.
3. Congratulate all the girls who’ve gained a substantial amount of weight since high school on being pregnant.
4. Find all of your exes who have gotten married and post disgusting details about how you two used to hook up.
5. Wait until somebody posts something extremely tragic and leave a simple “lol” in the comments.
6. Do you have any Facebook friends who are dads with daughters in high school? If the answer is yes, ruffle his feathers by posting “How long ‘til she’s 18?” under a family photo.
7. Photoshop people out of their family pictures. Then photoshop yourself in.
8. Keep your eyes peeled for a couple holding their brand new baby and post this picture in the comments:
   
9. Fill an extra large Ziploc baggie with flour and take a picture of yourself holding it. Post the picture with the caption “Back from Colombia. Two kilos of pure, betches!” Make sure to tag your entire family.
10. Change your avatar to a dick pic.
11. Change your status to “If I getupllled ovERe IM dfnetly gonigG 2JaiL.”
12. The old “Lemonparty.org” gag. (Wait until you get home to visit this site if you’re at work. Trust me.)
13. When someone posts an album of 3,529 wedding pictures, post “I cannot BELIEVE she wore a white dress!” in the comments.
14. Spend an entire day driving around town and “checking in” at filthy strip clubs and adult bookstores.
15. Find a picture of someone who’s prematurely losing his hair and comment, “Goin’ bald LIKE A BOSS.”
16. Go to free porn sites and be the first person ever to click the Facebook share button.
17. Post a picture of your morning dump with “#riseandgrind” as the caption.
18. When somebody announces he or she is having a baby, use the comment section to recommend that the person names the baby “Doesn’t Stand A Chance.”
19. Send all your “friends” a Facebook invite to an “all-night orgy at my place.”
20. Update your status to “Just found out I’m HIV positive.” After receiving 137 comments from people who are genuinely upset by the news, post “JUST KIDDING!”
21. Post your Facebook username and password in the comment section of any website on the internet and watch the carnage.

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Cody Sutton

Cody Mack Sutton is a born and raised Texan that only took five and a half years to proudly graduate from Texas A&M University. If he had a resume, it would probably be long and distinguished. Often referred to by his family as a "Renaissance Man,” Cody is currently holding out for a Senior level management position with a corner office.

• @codymacksutton