Let the guy at the tux shop to measure a little tight because you plan on dropping at least 10 lbs before the big day.
Size down on the Spanx and look absolutely jacked.
Black dress boots with the tux.
Suggest a quick steam for all the boys before putting on your tuxes.
Do a quick “fly by” while the bridesmaids are getting ready. Compliment their lovely custom monogrammed robes.
Sit shotgun on the party bus, pre-ceremony.
Back of the party bus, post-ceremony.
Designate yourself “Usher Wrangler.”
Request a dossier on every available female wedding attendee, Dwight Schrute style.
Double finger pistols when the father of the bride shouts you out in his speech
Drop a “Not my first time,” when the wedding photog tries to give you direction.
“It takes a man to give away an angel.”
Ankle flask all day.
Tell the photographer to get plenty of candids of you and the boys. Don’t leave 100+ like ‘grams on the vine.
Threaten overly drunk wedding guests with physical violence.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you guys from the head table, but I’ll try to wave.”
Request a private tasting of all the hors d’oeuvres before cocktail hour begins.
First name basis with all the bartenders. Kind of a big deal.
First name basis with all the grandparents. Even bigger deal.
Hit up one of the ring bearers for some Adderall.
“Great speeches. Ran a little long, but 9/10 overall.” .
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