Surveil the outside of the building with a drone to identify weak spots for early Friday exits and late arrivals.
Show up in a white limo.
“Hey, you know what would be great? If I could get a Pepsi.”
Refer to the person showing you around as your “assistant.”
“This desk is espresso. I explicitly asked for walnut because it matches most of my brown shoe collection.”
Nod approvingly as they show you the snack selection in the break room.
Absolute bulletproof poker face when they explain their keystroke tracking software on company computers.
Ask who receives your guests.
Similar question: Who will receive your Amazon Prime shipments and will they be delivered to your office in a timely manner?
No secretary? Pay a Cambodian $10 a month to answer all of your forwarded calls.
Pay for your boss’s lunch when he takes you out to eat on your first day.
Direct deposit? No way, Jose. Straight cash, homie.
Dual monitors or GTFO.
Hang a giant American flag over your new desk.
Christen the bathroom with a vicious 20-minute BM in the middle of your afternoon training video.
“I want you to guess how much this mousepad cost me.”
Suggest sweeping changes to company dress code, summer office hours and vaguely suggest loosening of intra-company fraternization policies.
Ask when the photo op with the CEO and leadership is happening.
Refer to your first day as “the day the (your full name) era began.”
“I really didn’t prepare any remarks, but I am prepared to address the troops if need be.”
Lion desktop background. .