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Let the guy at the tux shop to measure a little tight because you plan on dropping at least 10 lbs before the big day.
Size down on the Spanx and look absolutely jacked.
Black dress boots with the tux.
Suggest a quick steam for all the boys before putting on your tuxes.
Do a quick “fly by” while the bridesmaids are getting ready. Compliment their lovely custom monogrammed robes.
Sit shotgun on the party bus, pre-ceremony.
Back of the party bus, post-ceremony.
Designate yourself “Usher Wrangler.”
Request a dossier on every available female wedding attendee, Dwight Schrute style.
Double finger pistols when the father of the bride shouts you out in his speech
Drop a “Not my first time,” when the wedding photog tries to give you direction.
“It takes a man to give away an angel.”
Ankle flask all day.
Tell the photographer to get plenty of candids of you and the boys. Don’t leave 100+ like ‘grams on the vine.
Threaten overly drunk wedding guests with physical violence.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you guys from the head table, but I’ll try to wave.”
Request a private tasting of all the hors d’oeuvres before cocktail hour begins.
First name basis with all the bartenders. Kind of a big deal.
First name basis with all the grandparents. Even bigger deal.
Hit up one of the ring bearers for some Adderall.
“Great speeches. Ran a little long, but 9/10 overall.” .
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
These moves and weddings go together like cocaine and dolphins!
There is absolutely nothing better than being a groomsman. You’re a VIP at the wedding but have zero responsibilities besides looking good and getting drunk. At the last wedding I was in the bride’s mom had a panic attack 2 hours before the ceremony and all the bridesmaids had to deal with it… meanwhile we were sitting in a hotel room crushing beers and playing FIFA
Your third sentence is why we were taught that grammar is important. Upon first read, I thought that you were in the bride’s mom and was about to congratulate you.
Would have been a better story if he had been in the bride’s mom
Can confirm. The last wedding I was in we played a round of golf, had lunch and got drunk all while the bridesmaids were getting ready.
When I was a groomsman the Father of the Groom looked at me and said ‘you’d be the one to have a flask on you’. I got it back a week later with a bottle and a thank you note.
“Threaten overly drunk wedding guests with physical violence” then becoming the overly drunk wedding guest.
I’m a groomsmen in a wedding in a month. Gonna see how many of these I can try
Great post. Now can we get a Friday Playlist update, so I can set it and forget it at the rehearsal dinner this week?
About to do my first one next month. I’m irrationally excited.
You can also add “Talk about how great the bride and grooms honeymoon destination is and offer up pointers on some local spots they should definitely check out.”
I agree with all of these, quality moves… except the “not my first rodeo” to the photographer. Man, I am a wedding photographer and the last wedding I was a bridesmaid in, I wanted to jump in and start posing people myself. Had to remind myself… not my circus, not my monkeys. Went and had another drink or five.