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Surveil the outside of the building with a drone to identify weak spots for early Friday exits and late arrivals.
Show up in a white limo.
“Hey, you know what would be great? If I could get a Pepsi.”
Refer to the person showing you around as your “assistant.”
“This desk is espresso. I explicitly asked for walnut because it matches most of my brown shoe collection.”
Nod approvingly as they show you the snack selection in the break room.
Absolute bulletproof poker face when they explain their keystroke tracking software on company computers.
Ask who receives your guests.
Similar question: Who will receive your Amazon Prime shipments and will they be delivered to your office in a timely manner?
No secretary? Pay a Cambodian $10 a month to answer all of your forwarded calls.
Pay for your boss’s lunch when he takes you out to eat on your first day.
Direct deposit? No way, Jose. Straight cash, homie.
Dual monitors or GTFO.
Hang a giant American flag over your new desk.
Christen the bathroom with a vicious 20-minute BM in the middle of your afternoon training video.
“I want you to guess how much this mousepad cost me.”
Suggest sweeping changes to company dress code, summer office hours and vaguely suggest loosening of intra-company fraternization policies.
Ask when the photo op with the CEO and leadership is happening.
Refer to your first day as “the day the (your full name) era began.”
“I really didn’t prepare any remarks, but I am prepared to address the troops if need be.”
Lion desktop background. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
Drape a Chinese flag over your desk as you eat General Tso’s chicken and then have the US debt to China ticker live streaming on your screens behind you
found the communist
No, no, just invest in US concrete. China consumes 60% of the world’s concrete and they buy it from us. It’s absolutely pure Capitalism without any feelings or side taking
22. Frame a picture of your 1st day.
I am constantly perplexed that he can’t tie a tie to make it a normal length.
Can’t or won’t?
“Well, this mousepad cost me $18 but I used promo code ‘sock’ and got 10% off.”
Micah is giving them away for free if you DM him
We sends two if you send him a tasteful nude.
*base
Walk in every morning to your own theme music (song must be at least 7 minutes in length).
Return of the Mack-C&J remix
Or playing Free Bird at the end of your first day and then continue that tradition.
Hot take: Free Bird is not a good song.
I respect the hot take game, but I do not respect the hot take. Free Bird is an American institution. Up there with the chimichanga and Chinese food.
The missionary position. You’re welcome.
Wow, hold back on your hot takes there chief. Free Bird is a banger.
#Lioning2017
I’m unable to change my desktop background to anything outside of what comes with Microsoft. PGP.
Uh Virginia? Diet Pepsi
Roll in with fully-stocked bar cart, bottles rattling. Toss – no, throw – a full bottle of scotch at an associate.
Pepsi is basically aspartame in sewer water. Drink Coca Cola Classic.
That said, always love these B$
That Cambodian will take your job someday.
*come back from vacation to find Chanavatey sitting at your desk*
Boss: “Hey we had some staffing changes while you were gone and old Chan over there has really helped us out. Your new desk is over there by the supply closet, Chan will be over in a bit to line you out on the new proposal.”
Chanavatey: *leers*
Drop a stack of papers on the secretary’s desk, demand them to be stapled, color flagged, and tell her you want them by noon. If you get them before noon, accept them and if you get them at 12:01 throw them in the trash in front of her and demand she do it again, double time then smack her on the ass.