Wow. It’s been a year-unbelievable. It seems like just yesterday that I was counting my graduation money and heading off to the liquor store to rent a keg for a party. Fast-forward to present day and I have nothing to show for this past year except four new lines on my résumé, a (microscopic) dent in my student loans, and a few (more than 10 but less than 30) extra pounds around the middle. With new grads everywhere eagerly awaiting their plunge off the college diving board into the ocean of the real world, I wanted to offer 20 pieces of advice I’ve garnered from my own experiences since I graduated.

1. Never volunteer for anything or do your job too well. I know, weird one to start with, because we all know the only way to the top is to bust ass and kill it all day, every day. Wrong. If you volunteer yourself and are actually competent, people will dump their extra work on you so fast that what little enthusiasm you had for your job will be snuffed out before your third paycheck.

2. You will eventually need coffee. I don’t consume caffeine (except when I’m drinking) but every time I mention that to a coworker over 30, he or she just smiles and walks away, sipping a third cup of the day. Waking up at 6 a.m. for the rest of your life takes its toll on you, so hold out as long as you can.

3. I miss my internship. I was lucky enough to get paid (meagerly) and now I realize I was just there to complete busy work and be ignored for the most part. That was awesome. There were no expectations and I spent the whole summer dreaming of heading back to school like some conquering hero. Now, the hours pass like days and the months pass like minutes.

4. You are biding your time. Nobody likes his or her first job, not even astronauts (spaceship janitors). Soon enough, those job openings you actually want that require “3 to 5 years experience” will have your name written all over them.

5. Have at least one office friend you can BS with. It doesn’t matter if it’s about the upcoming NFL draft, racist NBA owners, or Miley Cyrus tour cancellations. Those 10-minute breaks in the monotony go a long way.

6. Always walk briskly to where you’re going, and try to carry a file or a drawing with you if you can. Never say how busy you are or how little time you have, because that gets old really fast. People want to see you hustle, not hear you pretend to complain about it.

7. Stay until 6 p.m. (I didn’t say work until 6 p.m.) Bring a movie, law school prep book, pillow, or something else and simply stay at your desk until 6 p.m. People will think you’re busting ass when they see your car still in the lot as they leave. Plus, you’ll miss traffic and get a killer parking spot at the gym.

8. Work out three times a week. I’m not saying you have to cut 10 percent body fat or put on 20 pounds of muscle (you probably should, though, while your body is dripping its last drops of metabolism through your veins) but try not to be a complete slob. Just look around at how out of shape your coworkers are…

9. Pack a lunch twice a week. Saving that $10 to $15 each week adds up, and it makes your bar tabs a little easier to stomach on the weekend.

10. People will steal your food. I thought this was some sort of sick, tasteless joke brought to light by the “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker” videos, but nope, it’s real. Put your name on all refrigerator perishables and retrieve your lunch by 11:30.

11. Don’t overdo it on expenses. Every now and then, the company actually picks up a tab! Don’t go crazy. Getting the 18-ounce porterhouse with a crab cake appetizer might seem like a power move, but it’s just going to end up with your boss or the vice president of accounting (in my case, both) scolding you like a child.

12. When eating out on the company, stick to restaurants where the wait staff is fully clothed. This rules out Hooters, Twin Peaks, Bikinis, and any other wonderful places I don’t even know about. The aforementioned vice president of accounting is almost always a woman. Remember, that waitress with the double Ds and a trail of stars tattooed on her ribcage is somebody’s daughter.

13. Always have an answer ready when your boss asks what are you working on. I personally have installed a white board in my office (Four walls and a door, bitch!) with a list of things I have to do. Your response should use some combination of assistance, effort, action, and timeline. For example: “I’m helping John and Karen coordinate on how to knock out this monthly report by Friday.”

14. Yes, your Internet history is recorded, but it’s rarely searched. It’s kind of like the NSA’s current policy on cell phones. Someone who has authority must command IT to pull your history. We all have data plans, so save the awkward conversation with HR and just look up Kate Upton’s newest photo shoot on your smartphone.

15. Random drug tests are real. I repeat, random drug tests are real. Know how long it takes to get your drug of choice out of your system. On the positive side, if they test you in the morning, feel free to have beer at lunch.

16. Be in bed by midnight on Thursdays. Yes, it’s tempting to buy another round and hop to another bar, but your body will thank you on Friday morning for grabbing an extra two hours of sleep. I can function with six hours, but I’m dead with four. Plus, the hangover. Don’t forget that hangovers are real now.

17. Hooking up with coworkers is a mixed bag. As hot as it is to let your eye contact linger just a second longer during meetings, your coworkers will start to notice almost instantly. This will be the hottest piece of office gossip since the Bush administration. Just assume everyone within 10 years of age of you and your hookup knows about it, even if you haven’t said a word.

18. Don’t sacrifice sleep for the opposite sex. I think most people who read PGP have had P in V before; it’s not new. I love sex. What I don’t love is a 7 p.m. dinner, which turns into 9 p.m. drinks, which turns into 11 p.m. foreplay, which turns into 12 a.m. sex (at least I can close). Throw in the obligatory amount of cuddling time and you’re easily looking at five to seven hours of sleep. That’s fine once. Do that a few times a week and your entire body (except your junk) will hate you. Take care of business during the week and let your freak flag fly on weekends.

19. Dating is expensive. One night stands happen less and less. Even if you’re banging out on the second date, that’s a minimum $40 for the first dinner (don’t be a cheap skate) and $30 for the first bar tab. Try to be a player if you want, but your bank account won’t let you. Either be more selective with your dates or start meeting up for ice cream.

20. You’re in the bloom of your youth. Your older coworkers are jealous of you and want to be you. Let the petty stress slide and don’t sweat minor details or deadlines. Remember, you get one serious warning before they fire you.