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As I’ve moved up the career ladder, one of the things I now get to do is interview people applying for jobs on my team at the investment firm I work at. And quite frankly, I hate it. The whole process is pretty much bullshit – politically correct questions and typical answers that don’t actually tell you anything about the person. While I always stick to the questions that our HR department provides, I’ve definitely come up with a list of questions that I’d ask if I was allow to stray from the standard program.
Which one of the characters on Friends was your favorite?
Joey – you’re a whore; Chandler – you’re a wise-ass; Ross – you’re a know-it-all; Phoebe – you’re flighty; Monica – you’re OCD and Rachel – you’re a daddy’s girl. So there’s really no right answer here. If you’re a hot dude, I’m cool with you being a Joey, though.
What’s your favorite pizza topping?
Pepperoni, you say? Welcome to the firm, kid.
Which was the best movie of the Star Wars franchise?
If you don’t name one of the originals, you’re not getting this job.
What’s your favorite porn site?
If you say you don’t have one, you’re a liar. And if you say one that’s a pay site, you’re a moron.
Do you return the shopping cart at the grocery store or just leave it in an empty parking space?
One makes you a good person. The other makes you a douchebag, and I don’t need any(more) douchebags working here.
How do you feel about running my personal errands?
Because until you can prove to me that you won’t completely fuck up actual business tasks, your sole purpose in life is going to be getting me coffee and picking up my dry cleaning.
What’s your go-to karaoke song?
Unless you say an early 90’s hip-hop song, or any one of Britney Spears’ greatest hits, I’m just not sure you’ll fit in here.
Do you believe in celebrating office holidays?
Specifically, Boss’s Day – it’s October 16th. I like chocolate, yellow roses, and a fine Moscato.
How many nights a week do you drink?
Three is the sweet spot here. Less than that, you’re probably a nerdy loser; more than that, odds are pretty high you’ll be calling in sick ‘cause you’re hungover, which isn’t cool because I need someone be here to answer my phone when I’m hungover.
What’s your favorite store?
Acceptable answers: Target, Nordstrom, Brooks Brothers, JCrew.
Non-acceptable answers: Walmart.
How good are you at lying?
You’re going to have to lie quite a bit in this job – to clients, to co-workers, to the people that call me that I don’t want to talk to. But I don’t want you to say you’re good at it – so the correct answer here is “Not good at all,” and sound sincere so I almost buy it.
What was the most interesting thing you found out about me when you Googled me before this interview?
Because if you didn’t Google me before you showed up here, you clearly aren’t that interested in this job, and therefore, I’m not interested in you. Plus, my Instagram is public for a reason – it’s hysterical.
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There’s only one correct answer here, and it’s the one that barks. Cat people cannot be trusted.
What’s your drink of choice?
Guy or girl, it apparently says a lot about you. And I need all the help I can get, you generic-answering asshole.
What kind of a smartphone do you have?
Listen, I get seriously fucking annoyed when I text with a guy for the first time and his texts are green. It’s 2015, you animal. I’m not putting up with that shit from an employee.
Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?
Taylor or GTFO out of my office. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Wait, what’s the magic number for nights a week to drink? I guess it doesn’t really matter since the answer varies wildly between 0 and 6
1. Jandler – Joey Chandler hybrid.
2. Extra Extra Cheese.
3. Episode VI Return Of The Jedi.
4. I’m a filthy dirty liar.
5. Always return the cart.
6. No.
7. Sublime Santeria.
8. I believe every holiday deserves celebrating. Happy Cherry Popover Day DeFries!!!
9. 1-3 nights PGP.
10. Whole Foods and Trader Joes.
11. Absolutely LOVED Jay-Tas list the other day. Keep up the great work!
12. That was a wild brazzers video you had back in the day!
13. Dogs.
14. We all know this. #MargLife until I have to put the rainbows away.
15. #TeamDroid
16. If drinking margaritas and listening to katy perry is gay, then who wants to be straight?
via GIPHY
If you drink 3 nights a week how do you even know what your favorite drink is? Shit takes practice and dedication.
So J, what’s your favorite porn site?
#16: LOL like you have an office.
An office that doesn’t have room for John Cougar Mellencamp isn’t an office I want to be a part of anyhow.
Who would want to work at this fake investment firn
Hire me.
1. Why can’t I choose Gunther.. He was easily the funniest.
2. Margarita pizza comes with margs, right?
3. I really only like the scene where Samuel L Jackson gets bitch kicked/lightning’d out of the window.
4. Pass…
5. I’m a degenerate who doesn’t use the shopping cart. I’m a basket man.
6. Can I hire an intern for that?
7. It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere
8. Every day is a holiday.
9. 9 nights a week.
10. Costco.. $1.50 hotdog + drink for life… ~samples~
11. Pass.
12. I think we matched on Farmers Only..
13. Neither.
14. Bahama Mama, because you can drink like you’re on vacation without actually paying a couple grand..
15. Are there dumb phones?
16. Taylor Swift would obviously get a Fuck, and Katy Perry would be the Marry category… throw in a Kill for 2015 Miley, and we’re all set.
1. Why can’t I choose Gunther.. He was easily the funniest.
2. Margarita pizza comes with margs, right?
3. I really only like the scene where Samuel L Jackson gets bitch kicked/lightning’d out of the window.
4. Pass…
5. I’m a degenerate who doesn’t use the shopping cart. I’m a basket man.
6. Can I hire an intern for that?
7. It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere
8. Every day is a holiday.
9. 9 nights a week.
10. Costco.. $1.50 hotdog + drink for life… ~samples~
11. Pass.
12. I think we matched on Farmers Only..
13. Neither.
14. Bahama Mama, because you can drink like you’re on vacation without actually paying a couple grand..
15. Are there dumb phones?
16. Taylor Swift would obviously get a Fuck, and Katy Perry would be the Marry category… throw in a Kill for 2015 Miley, and we’re all set.
Blue texts are for those who are technology challenged.
And green ones are for snobby assholes.
Kendra has an iPhone.